I must be crazy....

because I am going to be running Bay to Breaks 2011. It's San Fransisco's 100th annual race.
Bay to Breakers

It is a 12K, over half of what I've accomplished as of yet. I know I need to train. It's going to be an interesting yet meaningful journey. Problem is I don't see me there yet. I know what I need to do to get there, but I partly don't believe in myself. Regardless, I will be training my butt off to get in shape enough to finish that race.

Sitting across from me she said, "You need to ask yourself is it pain, or discomfort? And if it's pain then stop, if it's just discomfort, keep going." I returned her look and nodded agreeing to what she said, as that epiphany fully sunk in I fidgeted across from her.

I had met with Alyshia to discuss my lack of motivation and general feeling of being lost, and with no real goal in sight I knew that was a major problem. I needed something to work towards, and really, doesn't everybody? I felt mindless as I would run, and had no reason to go outside in the cold weather and push myself if there was no race in sight. I let my body fall slightly back out of shape the past few weeks and I knew I had to do something quick!

Asking for help was something I wasn't used to. In the past I would try to do it myself, and fail. I now know that failing just isn't an option for me. I am morbidly obese, and it 's affecting my health. Although my body is resilient, I need to take care of myself now if I plan to live a healthy life. This had been the first real time that I needed this much help since I began her group. I have to emphasize that I have taken care of other people's needs for so long, that asking someone to give to me was unheard of. Actually asking.... it was a step in a direction where there were going to be many more pleas for help. I may as well get used to help. Because I needed all the help I can get.

Secondly, I was battling the most difficult fear of all, "Who will I be when I loose the weight?" My identity was revolving around this fat girl persona. I had accepted defeat, and failure for so many years that that had become my excuse for not trying or giving up. Who was she going to be? Who will she be? Will I even recognize myself as a healthy weight person? Someone who can climb stairs and not be breathless? How will she handle accomplishment, or better yet, how will she handle defeat? Will she roll over and allow it to get the best of her, or will she get up and fight?

I was telling Alyshia that I had a template of my 13 year old self. I was at a healthy weight, and was full of life, and was accustomed to getting things I wanted in life. I would fight for what I wanted and get it. I wanted to have a horse, and so I worked at the age of 11 as a ranch hand to pay for horse lessons, and to be able to support a horse myself. At the age of 14 I had 2 horses in my care, and paid for everything they needed. I was a go getter, someone who knew what they wanted, and went for it. Someone who didn't accept defeat as an outcome. Someone who was positive, happy, and full of life. Someone people would admire even as a 13 year old child. Unfortunately life happened somewhere in between and it lead me down a pathway that allowed me to be who I am today. Granted the person I am today isn't bad, however she needs some dire improvements.

"It's do or die. And die is not an option. So keep trying." She said with understanding painted on her face and compassion in her eyes. I knew she was right. It may not be today, but if I kept doing the things I was doing my life was in trouble. Diabetes, heart attack, atherosclerosis. You name it I would ended up with it. I couldn't afford to loose this time. Like she said. It was do or die.

When she said "Do or die".... it may seem harsh, but the reality is I am morbidly obese. And that ain't good. At first my brain registered it as, "Ya ya, thats what they all say, my health is in jeopardy. Blah blah blah." But something clicked inside me. This time it was different. I heard her. I felt it. I wasn't ready to roll over and die. I wanted a long healthy life. I had plans. I wanted certain things out of life. And so there it was. When she said do or die. She took away all my excuses I had lined up so that I could get out of working out or running. There was nothing left but 2 simple choices. Do, or Die. And like she previously stated, dieing simply was not an option. So that left Do. That was it. I had no more excuses. She had taken the gray area away from me and I saw things black and white. Simple. Now it's only a matter of doing it!

So with the goal in mind of finishing Bay to Breakers, I will begin my training. I know this is not the end of my complaining, or even the middle, but I have a better understanding of where I am at, and where I am headed. For now, I know who I am and what I am doing with myself. However, after every accomplishment I am forced to challenge the idea of who I am, in order to truly understand.

Life is like a race....

I can feel it. I'm on my last mile, headed towards the finish line. Another year passed by. Breathless, and exhausted I crave the family gatherings at the end of a year like a vacation. Legs like noodles, barely holding my weight, striving, reaching for that finish line. 


The idea of making a new years resolution haunts me. I never believed in making a resolution, because they never stuck. But then again, I also never believed in working out, and here I am, considering myself a runner.


I don't know what it is, but I am restless. Sort of anxious. I wander around the house looking for things to do, yet, at the same time I don't feel like doing it. It's a funny time of year, when the sun is out only for a few hours, and the darkness falls around us at 4:30pm. Stuck in a house for the entire evening, Boredom sets in. Beginning to miss the long summer days, when the sun is out until 8pm. Allowed to roam the streets and play outside in the dirt until late evening hours. Moving, stretching our body to it's fullest and soaking up the sun. Fruit on total and full display, veggies at full flavor. I am beginning to miss the Summer time.


Don't get me wrong, I love the winter, but I feel like it's full of waiting.Like the trees waiting to blossom in spring, and the bulbs waiting to come up. Then there is myself, waiting for better weather, waiting for the good fruits and veggies to come, meanwhile eating foods that I really shouldn't like casseroles, and roasts.


I am realizing this is my home stretch, and now is the most important time to NOT GIVE UP! There was a quote that came to me the other day, "Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." Right now I feel like giving up. My motivation is sooo lacking. And when this quote came to me I knew this was very important for me. 


I feel like hibernating. The cold weather whips my body when I run, it's hard to get started, but feels oh so good when I am done.


So people, I am at my last straight stretch. I'm still not sure if I am going to make a resolution but I am headed towards the finish line none the less.


This last year has taught me discipline, humility, strength, forgiveness, and patience. I believe this year has had the most growth then most years in my life. Amazing what God has done in my life. He has taken away so much, yet given so much back in return. 

Who am I, where am I?

I just finished painting my guest bathroom (again). When I finished I sat down and looked out the window. The fog had rolled in while I was working away in the bathroom. Why hadn't I noticed? The whole neighborhood was surrounded. I even went outside to gather equipment and had not noticed the fog rolling in around me.

I started to think about my life and my feelings the past few days. I feel some what oblivious to whats really important and consumed with my own feelings. I am stuck in my head basically. While I am working out my feelings in my head, life goes on around me and I am simply missing whats really important.

I have a strong desire to get into a new house, one with more storage, a garage, on a foundation, and out of this mobile home park. I feel surrounded by negative people in this park. The manager is chronically unhappy and negative, and down right crazy at times. We are running out of storage and gathering clutter. It's driving me crazy with all this STUFF and now where to put it. We are out growing this house.

To make all of this more frustrating, we could afford a house that is in foreclosure with the same payments we are making on this house and for the property rent. It's really bothering me. We can't buy a house until we sell this one. Simple as that. Not to mention Tyson needs to put in more time at his job for it to count as income towards the new house.

So back to the fog, I started to think where I was in life, and was I happy. Actually yes!. I am so lucky to have a roof over my head, and a car to drive, and food to eat. However, I can't help but feel as though I could be happier! I began to study this emotion, and I feel it's a bit on the greedy side. I didn't like what I had discovered.

Today I have feelings I don't want to have. I feel my negative emotions surrounding me and there is just no reason for them. There is nothing wrong with wanting better for yourself, but come on, take a look around and appreciate what you DO have and where you are right NOW.

So today is about me trying to get out of this Funk I'm in.

Thanks for reading today.

I've reached my first Goal!

Melanie @ Run to Feed the Hungry 2010

              
I am sooo happy to say that I've done my first 5K. I did it in 55 mins (roughly), and it was slow going as there was 30,000 people there. I did have to dodge through hundreds of people just trying to clear a path for walking, or running. It was a lot of waiting around, and a tons of people. But all in all I believe I did a good job. I could have gone faster if there weren't so many people, and I wouldn't recommend it for someone who was trying to set and beat a great time. But if someone wants to start their journey with 5K's, start here!

It was an amazing feeling, that I didn't get to share with anyone at the time I crossed the finish line. I had to silently share it with those who supported me through this journey, and know that they were there with me in spirit. My husband took me there, but was unable to see me finish the line, as we had to set up a "meeting up" place after the race. Not to mention I doubt anyone would have been able to pick me out of the sea of people.  It was sort bitter sweet, because I wanted people to see me finish, and jump up and down and hug in excitement. Instead I held back the tears of joy secretively as I and many other people around me crossed the finish line. It meant so much to be to be able to complete this goal.

I feel so accomplished. My knee is doing GREAT! I was so pleased with how my knee held up, and I was so worried I wouldn't even be able to finish the 3 miles. After I crossed the finish line I took a wrong turn, missed out on free bananas, and water, and had to walk an extra mile to get to Tyson. So all in all after getting lost and taking the wrong turn, I walked 4 miles. And to think that I doubted I could even do 3!!!!

This really shows me that I can do anything I set my mind to. This shows me that I need to be confident in myself and trust that I CAN do these things. Months ago I set this goal, and it was so far away. This last week I was forcing myself to not think about it because if I did I would go into a state of worry and fretting over nothing. And I knew it was silly things going through my mind. So I didn't even think about it. I did my BEST not to think about it. But, when I was standing in line, alone, after Tyson and I separated waiting for the start signal, I realized that this was it! It was do or die now. It was so cold, that the first mile I did I couldn't' even feel my feet they were so numb. So I walked the first mile to warm up my muscles and feet. The second mile there was a woman who was laying on the ground. I am guessing she was having trouble breathing.?? I thought to myself that would have been me before June of this year. And now I am running past her. Don't get me wrong, I feel awful for the people who had trouble at the race, but it makes me feel good that I've made these changes in my life. And I could have so easily been in their shoes.

As more and more people started to walk at the second mile. I had just started to pick up my pace. When doing athletics, I have always been slow out of the gate, but I would always pick up the pace towards the middle and end. Thats where I made up my time. I did quite a bit of running in the second mile, and I wondered if my knee could keep up, and I forced that out of my mind and focused on what I was doing in order not to trip and eat it face first in the cement. Last thing I wanted to was get hurt here.

Toward the end of the second mile I started to feel tired. Then the third mile started and I wanted to run to finish, but everyone around me started to bottle neck and walk. I was frustrated as I wanted to push myself... like I always do at the end. That last push does everything for me. But I was also thankful, as I could walk and catch my breath.

When I finally reached our meet up spot and saw Tyson, I was so glad! Finally someone to share my joy with and accomplishment with.

I have decided that I want to keep it up with the races. Although I would like to do some smaller ones that will allow me to push myself more, and work on speed instead of being stuck in a crowd of people. So I think I'll stick to local races for a while, and work on my distance and speed. I just want to build strength so I could do a 6 miler. I realized that since I did 4 miles at the Run to Feed the Hungry, that I could probably do a 10K by this time next year, or even by this summer. Maybe walking part ways, and running part ways, but I will be able to finish.

I just want to thank you all for supporting me. Some of you donated money on my behalf to support my Cause with Run to Feed the Hungry. All in all we brought in $75. I am so thankful that I am able to give back as I know the people who need this are grateful to have the help.

Again, Thank you. I appreciate all of you.

Melanie( to right) meeting Tyson after the race.

Now more then ever

(Grandpa Bobby and Georgia) 7/7/07

So some sad news to write about today. My Grandpa Bobbie passed away this morning. It's a bit of a shocker, he was doing so well up until recently. He went down hill so quickly. It just reminds me how quickly life can change. I started to think about the time I should have spent with him, that I should have visited more often. I realize that this thinking doesn't do anyone any good. But it's a fact, I was thinking it.

I haven't really had a chance to say good bye, or grieve. I actually feel numb if that makes sense. I am wondering why I don't feel anything, I feel nothing... I feel like it's wrong to feel nothing. I should feel something. It feels so awkward... so weird. He was doing well, and now he's gone. I don't know, I think it's just shock, and worry for my mom and how she is handling it. I do have to be strong for her. She needs me. I know this because I needed her when my Dad passed away. My mom is my very best friend. She will need me to be strong for her.

I also realized today that I need to take care of myself NOW more then ever. It is even MORE important to take care of myself now, because I need myself. I need me to be my friend. I need to make sure I am getting proper amount of exercise, and eating right. I need to take care of myself so I can fair well during this loss. 

Even if I don't feel much right now.... I know I will later. It will most likely be a delayed reaction for me. As it usually is. But then again, I am at peace with my Grandpa, and there were no loose ends to tie up. So maybe, I won't be distraught over his loss, but feel sad for my loss, and be able to think about him with positive feelings instead of sad mournful ones. That would honestly be best for me. To be able to remember him with good feelings. So maybe .... just maybe I have reached a point in my life where I can do that now?

There is nothing I can do for my family now. The sisters ( My Aunts) are all taking care of everything. I don't want to keep calling as I would get in the way. So I am just trying to maintain my normal life, and keep things going. 

I didn't want to go to run group tonight, with my knee still in bad shape, and now with the loss of my Grandpa, but I decided I needed to make time for myself anyways. Make sure I do things for myself.

So... thats what I am focusing on today. Because I'm important too.

Out the window

So all of my last blog posting with positive influences and pep talk for myself went out the window!!!! I was going to register for a short 1 mile race locally here in the county and then it hit me. My run to feed the hungry 5k is a week and a half away. Oh my gosh RIGHT?! Not only is it a week and a half way, but my knee has been aching and flared up for the past week. So the short 1 miler is out. Not because of it's length, but because I know I would try to run, and I know that would not be smart.

First things first. I called my mom! I always call her in times of panic. She and I talked it over, and in all her wiseness, she told me that even if I can't finish, it's about being there that counts. Participation is what matters. And then another friend of mine told me the same thing, and another friend reiterated the same thing

So damage control ... done Thanks to everyone who loves me. I'm just worried. Not panicked. The whole problem here is that I haven't even done 3 miles on a GOOD day. I've done 2.6, and 2.8. But never 3 miles or 5k. So you can see how this would freak me out just a little bit? *deep breath*... but thats OK. I can still walk.

 I CAN DO IT!

"I don't believe in working out"

...was my theory or catch phrase in college. I found it to be "not fun" and "silly.".  A lot of good that did me! I gained 30 lbs my first year at college.

There are the shoulda woulda couldas. I try not to focus on them, but they do come into my mind now and again. Like, I wish I did work out, and I wish I did try to eat better and MAINTAIN a healthy lifestyle that I once knew. I just simply think it would have been easier to take care of myself, then to try and LOOSE everything that I packed on. It seems to me that the effort to remove the fat on my body would take more effort, blood, sweat and tears then had I just done it right to begin with.

The fact of the matter is that I didn't. So where does that leave me now?. I am 95lbs overweight, and working on it. Thats where!

I realized in the last couple days that even if I don't loose weight today, or even this week, that I am changing my life. I am working out, and my eating habits are changing. So if I can just create a deficit of calories going in, then even at the end of the year, if I've lost 10 lbs I would be happier then if I gained 10 lbs. Even if it takes a year, I would still be happier then had I gained and not made the changes.

So for example. Instead of mashed potatoes, something I would not blink an eye at making in the past, I substituted it with mashed cauliflower. The caloric difference is BIG. You can GUILT FREE eat 1 cup of the cauliflower mash. Changes such as these are going to make the difference at the end of the year.

I also want to point out that even if you have a weak moment and have a mini food melt down. It's not the end of the world or diet. Just get up, brush yourself off and keep going. Something that I did and still struggle with is once you cheat, you've ruined your whole day, so go ahead.... eat up. But now I realize that thinking is harmful. Not only to my self esteem, but to my diet. I need to be OK with having ONE COOKIE. And leave it at that. I need to be OK with eating something I shouldn't, and not think that the whole day is wasted because of my poor choice, and may as well eat everything else in sight. That is a good way to make one simple little cookie turn into 5 lbs. Also, it will send you for a head trip that does nothing but cause you hurt.

This journey is such a learning process. I've learned so much about myself, and other people. I think that I've allowed myself to be my own worst enemy here, and I need to change that and make myself my very best friend. I need to treat myself like I would treat my very best friend. With love and respect and forgiveness. I treat other people that way, and it is the very least I can do for myself. 

This next week, I am going to focus on what I CAN do instead of what I can't. I spent too much time dwelling in the "I can'ts." It wasn't productive. 

I can work harder on my diet.

I can change my life.

I can be a better friend to myself.

I can change my ways of thinking

I can create a deficit in my diet.

I can forgive myself for not being perfect or making a mistake.

What are your "I can's" for this week? Share them with me. Just make a comment bellow on my blog in the space provided.

What I wanna be when I grow up.

Strong and Triumphant. Thats just a snipit of what I want to be when I grow up. As I sat down to write this blog I began to think how I am not those words above, and that I am reaching nearly 30 years old. I thought about this for a min and I realized that I'm not grown up yet. I still have some time to reach Strong and Triumphant.

Today I don't feel like I am who I wanna be. I have been going over the past couple days in my mind, and I realize there is much room for improvement. Things I could do better, things I could adjust and change. I realize this is not conducive to being positive towards myself. However I really need to take a hard look at myself and see where I need to make changes. My diet is not where it needs to be. I feel like I've given up on putting effort in. But there is part of me who really wants to try harder. So I am going to not give up. This is the problem. I was never taught how to .... Count Calories. And my struggle is that I must learn this if I am going to live the life I want. People try to tell yo how to do it, as if it is taught by speaking and osmosis. But it's harder then it looks. When I make a dinner.... how the hell do you figure out the calories in a portion.??? I mean seriously?. Do you just add the calories in all the items that it took to make that dinner? Seriously.. this is going to take forever, it will consume my day. I really wish that counting calories did not consume my day. But this is a cold hard lesson I HAVE TO LEARN if I am going to change my life.So buck up chuck and learn it already so we can get on our way. People who see me struggling have tried to help.. and they have given me useful tips no how they do it, now it is just a matter of me doing it and trying it. I can tell you that I am afraid to start, in fear of failure. I can tell you that fear of failure is a major thing that stops me and causes me problems in most things I do.


On to my next problem of the week. My knee. I don't know what it is exactly. It could be my hamstring, or my knee. What ever it is, it's holding me back from performing my best at run group and at home. I've tried RICE, Rest, Ice, Compression, Oh ... and I almost forgot Elevation. I didn't do elevation because I couldn't remember what E stood for. Anyways,  I've done RIC. It's getting worse as the days go on. I'm finding it uncomfortable in stepping up on steps or down on steps. I can walk straight on a flat surface and find little to no discomfort, but downhill and uphill. cause me a lot of discomfort. Not pain, but discomfort

Let me just say this... I AM FRUSTRATED!!!

This whole week I have been thinking if I was the person I wanted to be in life. And the answer is still No. Some people might think that I am too hard on myself. That I should be easier on myself, but I want to be the best that I can be. I know that I can still be better.  I am not at my best this week. There has been a lot that happened emotionally that is taking a toll on me, and again, my knee is taking a toll on my abilities.

I think this is a good marker. For my new life. this is a stepping stone. I am pausing here to take inventory of my life and I realize I'm still coming up short. It's not a bad thing, it is just a gauge for where I stand. I just need to order in a few more products and cut my losses on others.

I'm putting in my order today.

Motivation to count my calories
and
Patience to heal my knee that is bothering me.
and also
Cutting my losses on the complaints I've had for the last week. I've been quite the complainer.

So I urge you. If it's time to take Inventory on your life, do so. See where you stand. Stop holding onto what if's and coulda woulda shoulda's. Cut your losses on those and move forward. Place your order for next week and do your best to deliver.

Diet and Groceries

It's clear to me that my diet and grocery shopping needs some work. It is just my husband and I and we're spending simply too much on food. Granted I know groceries are expensive and the cost of them are rising, I have spoken to several people and feel like we can cut down the price about $150. Which would about equal up to the short small trips to the local store. Instead I would like to plan out my meals so I don't forget anything and so that I know what I am to be cooking every night, or at least... Think I know what I should be cooking anyways.

I wanted to share with you this link that I found. It has Excel templates that allow you to make your own meal planner and it also can create a grocery list off of that. How cool is that? It does it automatically.

The link is:

http://www.vertex42.com/ExcelTemplates/meal-planner.html

For today's grocery shopping I won't be able to test this out as I have run out of ink for my printer. Yay! But I did want to take the time so share it all with you. I hope you find it helpful.

Today's gonna me a good day

I'm going to my sister's house and watching her children for part of the day. I think it's going to be a good day. I'll get to visit with them.

After I digested everything that has happened in the last few days. I realize I'm OK with it all. Everyone is OK for now. It was just so much so fast. I think I got a bit over loaded.

On a more sad note, I think I pulled my hamstring or did something funky to it. It doesn't seem to be extending or retracting right. So I am going to be taking it easy for a few days. Also applying RICE, Rest, Ice, Compression, and I forgot what the E stands for. LOL. Thankfully it only seems to be uncomfortable when I am running. Not walking.

Utter Chaos

This is why I don't like Holidays. Nothing happens all year, everyone is fine and happy, then as the holidays roll around people start having problems. Not only is my Grandpa getting a pacemaker in today, but my sister's step dad had a major heart attack last night. Even though I am not that close with him, I still feel for my sister. I hate seeing people who I love hurting or worrying. Especially when the worry has to do with people THEY love.

I feel a little disoriented. I feel like things are a bit upside down. Even though my life hasn't changed much, I feel like I'm being pulled in many directions. Too many people I love are in need and I want to help. I still have my weekly and daily commitments to address too.

So this is a short post for today. I have to go running in about an hour. It will certainly feel good.

Meanwhile prayers and blessings are needed.

Reconnecting

There is nothing sweeter then a reconnection. Either of two friends that lost contact, or family members that have grown apart. 

My cousin finally responded. After me not being able to sleep half the night over worrying about rejection. He did just the opposite. He was open, honest and kind. He held no judgement against me. We shared somethings we knew about the family. It only told me what I already knew.- That I didn't do anything wrong to deserve what was dealt to me.

For me this reconnection with my cousin was more then just a reconnection. It was affirmation that it wasn't my fault. The family turned on me. Simple as that, death changed them. It also changed me, but for the better in some ways. In other's it created holes of loss. But for me, it taught me how to love regardless of being loved back. Also, loving from a distance. Thats difficult. Just ask me.

It reminds me of what my Dad's legacy taught me. The fact that he taught me how to love him, even if he couldn't be the Dad I always wished for. He loved me also in return, but didn't know how to show it. He simply didn't know how to be a dad. Our relationship taught me so much about love I could not begin to go into the depths of it. I can say that it was not a typical love that taught me this. But it was given to me non the less.

I'm so pleased with this outcome. I'm happy that I feel like I have a sort of connection to that side of the family. An Allie if you will. So perhaps someone in the world will remember that John had a daughter, and that daughter was me. Just one person is good enough for me.

Beautiful outcome to this day. Thank you for sharing this with me. I've waited almost 2 years for this.

It just goes to say their can't be glory with out guts. There can't be a win without risk.

Forgiveness.....

My last post got me thinking. I got to thinking about forgiveness. And I truly have forgiven, although I can not forget. I got to thinking about my Cousin, who I spoke of possibly looking up on Facebook. And though I decided at the time not to, for fear of rejection, I changed my mind.

I got to thinking how he never actually treated me poorly. He didn't do anything to me, and perhaps he doesn't know anything of what happened. So maybe, just maybe I'd give him a shot and trust him in giving me a chance. I can't just group everyone together it's not fair. And I vowed that if anyone attempted to have a relationship with me from my Dad's side I would be open, honest, and loving towards them. If they only made the attempt!. I would give what I could to open opportunity for a relationship.

So I contacted him. I gave it a chance. I love them. I always have and always will.

This is the ultimate proof of love from me. I hope he sees it that way too. I'm putting my heart out on the line. This has caused me so much pain, and to enter into this with love and openness is a challenge and a gamble I am willing to take. Family is everything to me.

I feel like this is my last chance of any kind of contact with anyone from that side of the family. I hope it pays off. It would mean the world to me.

Sincerely closing this blog post tonight.

Surrounding yourself with Support

Last night I had pre-event jitters, and woke up around 11pm and couldn't get back to sleep. I was frusterated because I had to be up at 5:30am to put the roast in the crock pot. Then I had to be rested for the company I was going to have that morning. I lay there awake, staring at the wall. For some reason, my mind went to my Dad. With everything going on with my Grandpa, I began to think of the loss I've had with my Dad, and his entire side of the family. If you haven't realized yet through my blog, it was a huge loss for me. I am hugely family oriented, and to loose the relationship with the entire side of my Dad's family was heartbreaking. It was also all over a misunderstanding. That hurts even more.

So the events that lead up to me ending relationships with them rolled through my brain. Tears formed in my eyes, and fell down my cheek. Great.... I wasn't going to get back to sleep. I went through and tried to figure out what I could have done differently, then it hit me. I COULDN'T have changed the outcome. I couldn't change their minds no matter how hard I tried. I even though about looking up my cousin who I had a somewhat good relationship with, but I figured it would just look ...... weird?, or Desprite?. I don't know, but it didn't seem right. If I knew that me backing down and forgiving and forgetting about everything would change their minds about me and how they treat me then I would do it in a heart beat. Problem is, I know they would treat me the same. Like a red headed step child. So in bed around midnight I realized that this wasn't my problem. I couldn't change things. They simply were not supportive, and did not love me. Fact was cold and hard. They didn't care about me. I know that seems blunt and somewhat so awful, but it's the truth. Had they cared about me they would have come to me with any problems or questions. 

I've been rolling this around the last few weeks. I've been doing my absolute best to surround myself with people who loved me and wanted to see me succeed. I've cut people off that were hoping for me to fail. I've ended relationships that were not healthy. Let me tell you it's not been easy. It's torn me up inside because I still care about everyone that I've removed from my life. Including  my Dad's side of the family. I still love then with all my heart. And I forgive them. However I can not forget that they don't care enough about me to include me in their lives. So there for, I've removed them from my life. 

It doesn't mean I don't think about these people I've removed. I do. It's sort of a burden I have to bear. I have to continue my life loving them, knowing that I can't be in their lives because it's not healthy for me. If I want to see me and my best. They can't be there by my side.

It breaks my heart. But I am doing this for myself. I've given enough of myself to other people disregarding my own needs for so long that I've gotten myself to this point. Now I am getting myself out. I'm sorry if you're one of those people. I still love you and care. But this is how it has to be.

I wish it could be different. But it can't.

So this is where I learned boundaries.  I've heard people talk about boundaries before and I never knew how to set them.  Until now.

I do want to thank those of you who are in my life now, and supporting me. I appreciate it. You mean the world to me and my life wouldn't be the same with out you in it, and with out your love and support. I have successfully surrounded myself with love and support. Thank you all.

Needless to say, I got back to sleep last night shortly after I realized I was doing what was best for me. Shed some tears but I still stand by my choice. I'm doing the right thing regardless if it hurts. 

Waiting for Glory

Every day I think about the goals I have for myself. I wonder how realistic they are sometimes and ask myself if I'm in it till the end. Every day the answer is, "Yes, I'm in it till the end.". So every day I give all that I've got to give that day. Sometimes that day I don't have enough to give, but I still give my all. I love it when people push me to give me more then I've got to give, and I find my new rock bottom. It amazes me how much I've changed in such a short period of time.

So today, I woke up at 5:30 to put the roast in the crock pot to make pulled pork sandwiches, and slumped back into bed and slept a while longer. When I woke up the second time I started wondering if enough people would show to My husbands birthday part today to eat the food I'd be preparing. I literally prepared a feast. veggies, dip, chips, pulled pork sandwiches, crackers, salsa, and my mother in law was preparing the famous German chocolate cake. I still had doubts that enough people would show to eat all this food. A hint of frustration came thinking that I would be stuck to eat all this fattening junk food. But I gave it my all, let it all go in hopes a good turn out would come. And they did come.

We had the most amazing gathering. People mingled, and enjoyed each other's company. It really was a good time. Towards the end, after a few compliments on the spread, I started to think about my accomplishments. I've gone from running a dash, to being able to run 1/4 mile. That in itself is a huge feat for me. But it's so much more then running further, or getting stronger. I've changed as a person. I've learned how to feel happy for myself, I've learned how to care about myself and for myself. I've learned how to set up boundaries, I've learned how to celebrate life's simple joys. I can't give anyone credit for this but myself. I've faced some hard facts about myself and I came out kicking on the other side. I'm fighting to make myself into a person that I love and adore.

My point here today is that even though there may be one big glorifying event in your life where you really soak in your accomplishments, there are hundreds of small ones to celebrate. The fact that I threw together this party last min and it was such a great turn out and such loving people showed up...... it just amazes me. I am so thankful for the people that I have in my life now. I have nothing but support. I am so blessed.

So with this post, I wanted to share that I am having hundreds of mini celebrations through out my week. I'm loving life, and enjoying everything. And to top everything off, I was able to enjoy my food today, and not beat myself up about it. This is a big thing for me. I realize that one day will not change the rest of my life. Because I plan on being active for the rest of my life.

There is no waiting for glory, because today there are celebrations to be had.

When we were kids

When we were kids, it didn't matter what kind of shoes we had on for running. We just simply ran when we felt like it and stopped when we couldn't run anymore. When we were kids, we thought reaching 30 years old was an eternity. When we were kids, we stopped eating when we were full and begged to get down from the table and go play.

Now, we have to have the best performance running shoes in order to run. We must schedule time to run in our busy day.

Now 30 years old reaches us in a flash and time just flies by.

Now, we think about food all day long and try to convince ourselves to finish what is on our plate, and tell ourselves that we need a second helping.

Now, we rarely play.

Lately I've been learning how to be young again at heart.  And to enjoy life. That playing, laughing, and giggling is an important part of our daily lives. When we were kids we didn't care or have to schedule play time. We just simply played. But now being adults we find ourselves consumed with errands and things to do that we MUST make time to play and have fun.

So play a little this week. Have fun. Be a kid again.

Not again.....

So last night was awesome at group. I was so proud of myself because I think I shaved 15 seconds off my lap time. I'm pretty sure anyways I timed it and I think I got it right. I just feel like it's a large amount of time and perhaps I made a mistake. But.... I'm going to enjoy that I did the lap in 3 mins none the less.

We also did the bleachers. I have to say my knee takes a beating going down hill. It really doesn't care for it. Uphill is ok, but the tendon in the back feels very funny as if it's rolling over something or catching or something. I'm just going to keep it up and strengthen it the best I can.

When I got home last night there was a message on the machine. It was my mom, "Grandpa Bobby is in the hospital and I need your help, call me as soon as possible.". My first reaction was Oh no, not another family member near the holidays. I seriously don't know if I could take another one. I called her and she said she might need me to take her to Sacramento tomorrow, (which is today). We are currently waiting on a phone call from my Aunte who is down there. So... the waiting game. I don't really know how bad it is, because my mom doesn't really know how bad it is. All I know is that he's elderly and has congestive heart failure, along with Atherosclerosis. I also know that when you get up there in your years you just don't recover from things like younger people. So no matter how small of a procedure this may be or an event in his life, recovery may simply just not be there.


This makes me sad. And I feel selfish that I may have to deal with another loss near the holidays. I have such hope for these holidays and I just don't know.


So thats all for this morning. I'll try and keep you all posted.

Beginning to see the light

Last night we did that daunting hill 3 times!!!! I have to say I didn't think I could make it up the 3rd time I have to thank Alyshia for coming back and encouraging me on the last trip up. I walked most of the trips. I would run up to about the same spot and have to walk the rest of the way. I have to say I expected pain this morning. I expected calves to be in knots like usual and shin splints to be throbbing away. Instead I have some soreness, but I CAN walk.

So that can only mean ONE THING!. Either my legs fell off while I was running the hill OR I am getting stronger! I'll go for the later one of the 2. I am so excited that I am getting stronger. I actually can't wait to hit the Amador track again and time another lap. I hope this is the beginning to being able to recover faster so I can participate in group every time I go instead of laying back and waiting some stuff out.

I have to tell you that I am so excited that I even did the hill one time. Because my first time trying that hill, I started run up it then began to walk and quit at Mountain View. I never even saw the top. So seeing it 3 times for me was an amazing feeling.

It makes me want to go hiking with my husband, and snow shoeing like we used to. We used to be so active and we kinda stopped doing stuff like that because we felt it was "too hard" or "too much work", or more often then anything, "we were too busy". I am so looking forward to some of that stuff this winter. I will be able to keep up with him much easier this year.

So this is an accomplishment day. I am going to relish in it.

Holidays growing nearer

I don't really know what marks the beginning of the Holidays for me but it seems that my body knows they are near. Maybe it's the fact that November has began and the stores are now going to begin to put out Christmas stuff if they haven't already. Like many people, the Holidays come with a double edged sward for me. Not only does the joy come from being able to share special memories with my family, but the fact that loved ones are gone and I will never be able to share another Holiday with them saddens me.

I know exactly when this feeling began. It began when I had to put my pony down when I was 17 the week before Thanksgiving. It was a heavy weight to bear for such a young adult.

Later in my life my dad was diagnosed with Bone Cancer, and passed away also, the week before Thanksgiving. Again, another holiday I had to go through the motions and know that I had lost someone dear. Somehow they have left little scars on my heart. My Grandma passed away later that year only about 8 months later. It was a double whammy that year.

I thought about this AGAIN as the holidays began to take hold on the world. To tell you the truth I really don't want to go through another year of sadness during the holidays. I know my dad wouldn't want me to, and nor would my grandma. I've been working on changing myself the last few months and have made such progress and I have grown so much over the last year that I feel like a completely different person. I feel like this year I have made leaps and bounds to change.

This morning I started to think about how I wanted to spend these coming Holidays. I thought to myself that I wanted to spend them with love, and joy. I wanted to have a free spirit. Light hearted and full of love. I wanted to remember those who I have loved and lost with happiness in my heart and not grief. I wanted the holidays to be what they were supposed to be. Good.

I have an idea of how to go about changing this. I plan to change my thought process and when I catch my mind drifting to darker thoughts to turn them around to positive. Not allowing me to fall into a sadness. I plan to make new rituals and memories that are happy and fun. I also want to be able to work hard on my health, but not feel guilty about having that thanksgiving meal. I want to be able to indulge but not go too far, and be able to know that my hard physical work I'm doing combats the negative I may be indulging in.

I want happiness this year.

I also feel my first 5K drawing near. Run to Feed the Hungry 2010 in Sacramento is coming up. Only  3 weeks away. I know I am ready, but I am beginning to get a little nervous. The what if's are coming into play. The what if I have bad leg cramps, what if I get lost on my route, what if have to use the restroom during my 5K, what if I forget something. And again, I have to stop myself and let it all go. Let it run off my shoulders because it's still 3 weeks away and worrying now does nothing to aid my run.

To top all of this off it's my husband's 30th Birthday today. Happy Birthday Tyson!!! This lets me know that the big 3-oh is coming up for me and reminds me that my 30's are going to be AWESOME! I am going to be the person I wanted to be. My 30's will be great. I've learned so many lessons during my 20's that I think I'm going to be going into my 30's with a LOT of knowledge of who I am as a person and what I wanted to do do with my life. My 20's were all about learning. Now I'll get to live!

The Dash - (aka The Stuff)

This morning a few of my girlfriends and I went on a walk. Towards the end we hiked up the hill to the town's cemetery. Let me just say that this cemetery creeps me out, so this was the first time I'd spent any time in it. As we walked around we looked at the names, dates, and sayings that were on th headstones. I noticed one woman's headstone that was still unfinished. There was her husbands name and date, and then there was her name and her date looked something like this. 1950-     .... and there it was blank. I thought about this and realized the person was still alive. It then occurred to me that the most important part of someone's date was the - in the middle. It was clear all of a sudden. What ever was - happening, what ever was currently happening, what ever was continuing, that was the most important part. The "stuff" in the middle. Not the beginning, and not the end. But the middle.

I got to thinking how this applied to my life now. And I realized how amazing the middle can be. What fills the middle is really great stuff. The things we do with our middle. It's what matters. I asked myself what I was doing with my life now, and I was pleased with my answer. Had you asked me 5 months ago the answer might not have been so positive. There may have contained discontentment. But now.... there is contentment. I have goals, I have things I am working and towards. I have achievements no matter how little they may be.

But lets be real here. There are stuff I'm not doing so good at. Such as my diet. I have found a weakness. You know the time right before you go "big" grocery shopping, when the fresh food is almost all gone, and the fridge is running on empty. What do you do? You start to turn to the pantry. I found this is a crutch. I realized that I turn to the pantry because we're running low on food and I'm running low of ideas. It's frustrating because I don't know how to change that. It's not like I can go shopping when we're not ready yet. I talked to Wendy a friend of mine and she told me she struggled with that at first too. But then pretty soon you'll run out of that bad "pantry" stuff and you won't buy it anymore. Also she told me how she budgets her grocery shopping. I'm going to give it yet another adjustment and try harder. I also need to find an air popper for pop corn. How I am making it is just not acceptable.

So that was my day. Any suggestions on budgeting for grocery shopping and how other's do it I'd love to hear em.

So anyways, what are YOU doing with your middle? Anything good?

Tea Time

Yogi Tea Wisdom of the day "You can run after satisfaction, but satisfaction must come from within."

How true is this?!!!! So true if you ask me.

My love affair with Yogi tea came at a time when I was very sick and I didn't know why. I was going on 2 months of stomach upset. I could barely keep food down. I went to see all different kinds of doctors and did all sorts of tests. Basically they decided I had Fatty Liver Syndrome. I mean it wasn't bad enough that I was so obese, but now it was spreading to my organs. I knew I had to do something. It was getting out of hand and I was loosing control.

So I started this tea regimen. It was called, "Yogi Detox", for the detoxification and cleansing of the kidneys and liver. I drank until my heart was content. I had 2-3 a night and very rarely did a day go by with out tea. I lost 30lbs while I was sick. I considered this a negative weight loss. I considered it unhealthy because I was not in control and it was due to being sick. I was happy non the less, but in my heart I knew this was not a good thing.

At the end of that 30 lbs weight loss my liver numbers returned to average or "normal". I counted my blessings and gave credit to the detox tea. Ever since I swear by this tea. I now have many different flavors such as "Muscle Recovery- For an active body", "Vitality - To increase stamina", and "Joint Comfort".

It was last year when I realized I was going to loose years on my life if I kept letting myself go. I started walking then, but barely broke a sweat. I still tried. I know that it was the act of just going outside and doing it was the hardest for me. Sometimes weeks would go by when I wouldn't get one walk in, but I'd pick it up again, I never gave up. And here I am 30 lbs down by my choice. Being active and changing my life for the better. I know that this road is going to be a long process. I also know it's not going to be easy, but I am determined. I already feel so much better, and feel like I CAN accomplish things and have achievements of my very own.

Support

I can't thank those around me at Group enough. They are so supportive and they absolutely will not let you fall down and not get up. I love it.

Last night my body just wasn't up to par. Psychically my legs were killing me. I had done the hill earlier that day and I was paying for it. I was also exhausted. I know that things will get better though.

I had gone to Starbucks to grab a cup of Joe to wake up. So tired I was. And I sat in a parking lot to drink it. Half way through I decided to go home, then on my way home I decided to stay and go to group.... then go home... go to group.....go home.. go to group. I was TORN! I ended up driving all the way home. Then Alyshia got a hold of me. She has a way of lighting fire under your feet. So off to group I went.

Group seemed impossible to me that night. I felt like everything was a struggle. I did about 60% of the work out and let the rest of it slid. I felt glad that I just showed. The support is amazing there and I needed it.

When I got home I iced my legs. They needed it so badly.

This morning I was never so glad to see coffee. Ohhh coffee, how I love you so.

So the next few days will consist of nothing serious for me. Light walking and no running. My legs need to heal. I think I have shin splits on top of cramps in my calves. Whop de do!

To those of you who think I might be quitting or giving up. I'm not. I'm still full bore ahead, but sometimes ya gotta just listen to your body and slow down a bit. My mind moves at a much faster pace then my body can and sometimes it simply can't keep up. Thanks for all your support. I love you guys already.

Tired.

Thats right folks. I'm tired. I don't know if it was from the heavy work out on Tuesday, or this morning's hill. But I feel like I need a nap. I tried to lay down and sleep a short while but I can't. I tried.

So here is my problem. I have Group tonight with the Marathon League. And I feel half asleep. I feel like not going. But I know thats not a good idea. I want to be there mentally, but physically can I just get a break?

On top of it all I feel like just crying. I don't know about you, but when I get over exhausted I feel like crying my eyes out. Don't know why or what causes this but it happens to me.

Perhaps it's because I'm so tired physically and I am sad my body can't go further? I am frustrated I got to this point. I am frustrated I let myself get to be 200 plus lbs.What is even more frustrating is that now I'm trying to do something about it and the task feels overwhelmingly difficult.

My mind can remember what it was like to be a teenager. Agile, flexible, and a young athlete. My mind wants to be "THERE" again. But my body is so far from it. It makes me sad, it makes me angry, and all those non productive feelings that produce nothing but negative emotions. Even though I realize these emotions are not conducive to feeling good about myself I can't help but feel them.

I just have to remember that I've accomplished a LOT since I decided to change my life. I need to focus on the things I've done so far and know that I can keep going. Like the fish Dora Says on "Finding Nemo"....."Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimming.".

So thats what I'll do. Spoken from true wisdom of Dora the fish. I'll keep swimming today.

Defeat tastes bitter!

There was a challenge yesterday, and I was simply too exhausted to do it. But this morning I felt I could give it a shot. So I drove to the hill. Got out of my car, stretched and warmed up. As I was warming up I was thinking to myself, "What the hell am I doing here?"  I mean seriously my legs still haven't recovered from last Tuesday. Well I thought I would try anyways. I walked around the neighborhood for a while to warm up. Then I hit the hill.

I started of slow and sure. Taking my time. I got to the first corner, and I may as well have been running straight up the stairs. Perhaps I should have taken the outside of the corner and not the inside steepest part. My lungs began to burn, and again, the pain in my legs went away. What is that lack of oxygen? I hit the first cross road and kept on going. I started to get light headed and couldn't see straight. My legs continued to take me higher. When I hit Mountain View cross road I quit. It was that or pass out. I couldn't take it.

 I was defeated. 

It was then when I caught my breath that I realized my legs were shaking underneath me. It felt like an earthquake. My knees quivered and wanted to crumble under my weight.

And now I had to walk down the hill I had just run up. Great!

I walked down slowly, legs shaking and all. Thank God I remembered my knee brace. Down hills are difficult on my knees the one feels as if it wants to buckle under me on good days.

When I got back to my car I sat there for a moment. Gathering myself until I could see straight again.

I stopped at Safeway on my way home to grab some bananas and cottage cheese. I could barely walk into the store. How was I ever going to do training tonight with the All Amador Marathon League? I had to face it, I certainly wasn't going to run tonight. But maybe I could go just to walk.

I don't like how defeats feels. It feels permanent and daunting. It feels dark and dreary. It feels like failure. I'm done failing. This will be one of my goal hills. Literally. I will climb this hill one day!

Competitive like a horse

Weird right? I know what you're thinking, "Horses aren't competitive". But I think they are. You know how when they are racing with another horse, and they get equal to them, look them in the eye and push harder to win, to get ahead of the other horse. Let me tell you I've been on a horse that wanted to be first, and you can NOT stop them. They are going for the gold.

          (Seabuscuit VS War Admiral)
Here is some info on Seabuscuit. He was a horse that was smaller then the rest, and he was also not a favorite. He was not expected to win, but he did. He went on and won many races. When it came to War Admiral, he was the fastest horse around. Again, Seabuscuit was thought to loose. However, Seabuscuit had it in his heart to win. He had a huge heart and even though War Admiral was the usual winner, Seabuscuit won. It just goes to show that it's not all about the act of doing something, but it's the heart that counts.

Last night I reminded myself of that. How the horse pushes it into another gear when they are equal with another horse or even behind another horse. The running group I am in met at a local high school track. We were doing conversational laps where you were supposed to talk as we walked, and then push laps, where you were supposed to push as hard as you can go with out falling over. On my first lap I did 3:25, on my second lap Alyshia trotted up next to me and we met pace. It wasn't so hard for the first few mins, but as I came around the last bend my lungs started to bulk. I was scraping for all the oxygen I could get. An amazing thing happened, the pain in my legs was gone for those last minuets. I don't know if it was lack of oxygen or that I was trying so hard that I couldn't pay attention to anything else around me then what I was doing, but I beat Alyshia. I know she can run faster, but she ran at a pace she thought was my level, and I pushed passed it. I nearly cried when I finished. I didn't think I could do it. I didn't think I could make it past that last bend, let alone kick it into 4th gear and finish before her. I shaved off 10 seconds off my first timed lap and did 3:15. It took everything I had.

Although my calves were in knots nearly the entire time, I was able to push past the pain and run. When I got home I gave them a much needed pressure massage and they feel ok today. I will need to work on them some more. I can tell that cramps in my calves will be the first hurdle I have to cross. The second hurdle will be my lungs. I've always had trouble with exercised induced asthma.

Here's to you Seabuscuit.   (Seabuscuit VS War Admiral)

Emotional Attacking

This is something near and dear to my heart. I've experienced it many times in my life and I can tell you that none of which were pleasant or deserved. It breaks my heart knowing that there are young kids out there who are experiencing it and enduring it. I wish from the bottom of my soul that I could stop it some way worldwide. But just one person can only make a chip or dent in the problem.... and then others will arise victimizing others. Stop one, another will rise. My theory is a sad but true one. So we must all band together against it. Even if it means stopping ourselves from doing it to others.

So this posting is dedicated to every soul who has experienced it, is currently enduring it, and anyone who doesn't know what to do about it. Also anyone who is doing it to others.

Emotional Blackmail, or Emotional Bullying. This is what I am talking about here today.

Children are committing suicide over it. People are using it as means to control others emotions and feelings in order to get them to do things they want or in order to simply hurt one another.

Like I said I have experienced it myself. It's painful and scaring. In ALL of my experiences with it I did not deserve it. I was simply being authentic to myself and in turn someone didn't like it and attacked me emotionally. I thought about how I should talk about this subject, and I want to acknowledge that yes even though I was a victim in the emotional attack like many of you, I will not allow them to victimize me. I will not allow myself to wallow in the pain or discomfort. I will get up, brush myself off and move forward. I think you should too. Because I know that everyone reading this has experienced some form of emotional bullying. If we sit in our sadness of it, it is like poison to your soul. You'll die there in it.

I think about why people do this.  Here are some theories:

• They don't like themselves and feel guilty for what ever reason
• They try to lower you a peg or two in order to feel better about themselves
• They wished they could be like you, and can't, so they try to change you for the worse.
• They want to hurt you, and cause you pain
• They don't want to see you succeed.
• They want to see you fail.
• Misery loves company.

These are just a few of my ideas of why people do this. Sometimes it's not as negative as I express, and sometimes they want to invoke action in you. But none of which is called for. Trying to control someone else is simply not acceptable.

I hope that everyone enduring this can get the strength of overcome it. Stand up for themselves and take a stand against it. And if you are stuck in the discomfort of it, I hope you can walk away from it.

Standing up for yourself can be a difficult thing. Especially when you know it will hurt someone else. It is our nature to please other people, and sometimes we do it at our own sacrifice. Before you know it we have sacrificed and sacrificed ourselves and nothing is left. Which is why we become overweight and begin emotionally eating. Trying to fill a void that can't be filled because there is nothing left of ourselves to give. Our  youth of the world can't keep up with the world's expectations of them. They are just trying to be true to themselves, and people slap them down beaten and bruised. They can only take so much before they start believing in what others are saying about them. If people began to believe everything others said about them, what would be the point in living?. Thats why suicide happens. They stop believing in themselves, and believe what others are saying. It's so sad...... it breaks my heart. 

I've been there. I've been at a point where I started to believe what the world was saying about me. What society said about me. Until now. I am rising above what the world thinks, and believing in myself. I pray and hope that every single kid out there, and adult will have the strength to do this. Sometimes it takes everything you have inside you. Sometimes it is as simple as ending an unhealthy relationship. Sometimes it is as hard as standing up for yourself. In any aspect. I hope it doesn't come to your doorstep, and when and if it does, I hope you're strong enough to fight back.

Looking forward to Group tonight!

I can't wait to go to group tonight. I am hoping that I get to push my body to see where some limits are. I'm hoping I get to push past them and find a little bit more strength. I also hope that I'll be able to walk tomorrow morning. LOL

I've found the mysterious, "runner's high" everyone speaks about who works out. I love it! It makes me happy to my core. I love the way my body feels after a good work out and after accomplishing something I thought I couldn't do. It's amazing and uplifting. When I set out on this journey I didn't expect I'd like it so much! I know thats a weird para-dime, but I do. I enjoy being outside in the weather. Although I think I might think differently if I had to go out in the rain! Ha!

Signing off for now. Enjoy this beautiful day!

Getting Started

I wanted to clarify something in my blog. It came to my attention that my last post was not exactly how I felt about the HCG diet.

First off I want to say Thank you to my old health coach. You know who you are. He helped me tackle things that I could not have faced alone. He showed me what I was doing to myself and that I was creating my own failure. He made me see things that I did not like about myself and opened the door for me to change it. He was available when ever I needed him, he was only a phone call away. I am so thankful because he helped me believe in myself

He also supplied the HCG Diet and drops to me. I want to say, that had I not started this program on the HCG diet, I may not be where I am today. It helped me loose 25 lbs. In 40 days. And in turn showed me that I CAN actually lose weight. It taught me to listen to my body and eat smaller portions. It was like a cleanse to me. My body was lighter, and clean. I think it was a great start to this journey. Starting with a cleanse.

I do want to be honest here, it was not the diet for me. It was a great start, and I owe the HCG diet big time. But I couldn't continue it forever. Perhaps this is only my experience. Perhaps other people have different opinions about it. I just felt like I couldn't keep up with it. So I decided to do it the old fashioned way with simply diet, and exercise. I am sorry that my previous post lighted the HCG diet negatively it was not my intention. It is not my true opinion of it. My only issue I have with the diet is my own experience. It can work well for others if they have more discipline.

Again, I want to stress that this diet helped me get started. It was a key turning point in my life. My old health coach was crucial to this turning point. I thank him for all the effort he invested in me. It has certainly not gone to waste.

Not ready to face the facts

Several years ago. At the weight I am now, 30 lbs lighter then my heaviest weight, I went to see a clinician who specialized in weight management and metabolism disorders. At the time I was convinced I had PCOS, (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). And I still am. I've had doctors say yes I have it, and others scoff in my face at the idea. Thats besides the point I'm trying to make. The lady that I saw told me how many calories to eat and how much to exercise, but that was it. She expected me to KNOW how to loose weight just by telling me how many calories to eat. Speaking of calories... I didn't even know how to count calories. And to this day I struggle with making a light healthy meal. I always tend to go for the heavier stuff. It's been ingrained into me for years. It's so difficult to change. So of course I failed at her program. I started to fight her a bit and told her I couldn't do it, that I needed more help. When I called to ask the clinic my starting weight, I got her on the phone accusing me of harassing her workers. I said how could I be harassing them when I simply asked for information in my chart. I was banned from the clinic!!!! Blacklisted because I couldn't follow her ridged program. I couldn't figure this out. I tried... I was just asking for more help. She obviously couldn't give it. But banning me? Was this really called for.? Later that week I received a letter that she had terminated my care at the clinic. Hum.. How interesting, when I had already told her I won't be coming back after she accused me of harassing her desk lady.

The reason I am telling this story is because I think at the time I wasn't ready to face the facts. And the fact was that I was obese. Not just a little, but a LOT. And I needed to do something about it. After that I had packed on another 30- lbs and gave up on dieting. I thought that I just couldn't do it. I thought I could NEVER loose weight  and that I was doomed to gain for the rest of my life. 

It wasn't until a few months ago, when it had sneaked up on me. It hit me like stones to the face. I was ready. I started the HCG diet because I felt I needed supplimental help. I still partly believed that I couldn't do it alone, and I needed assistance from some sort of drug or suppliment. I didn't believe in myself. But then again... why should I? I had failed so often and given up so much. It was built into who I was. Failure was what I became. So when I started the HCG Diet of 500 calories and HCG drops with ever meal I began to watch the weight just fall off. I was starving though. Constantly hungry! I even went to bed hungry and some nights couldn't even sleep over the feeling of my stomach growling. "This wasn't right." I began to think to myself. 

The first round of the HCG diet I lost 25 lbs. Own my own I lost another 5. Then on the second round of the HCG diet and drops I lost another 5. When I started not seeing results because I was eating more I decided to ditch the idea of having to use a supplement. I couldn't stand the hungry pit my stomach had become. I also started to believe in myself. I started to think I COULD do this by myself. I could do it the slow and sure way. I was sure of it. Ending the relationship with the health coach that gave me the HCG diet was difficult. He had gotten me to the point of believing in myself and I was leaving his care. I started to feel like I had out grown him. That I had gotten everything out of it that I could. If I stayed it would only hinder my weight loss. I know it seems weird, but I was ready do it it myself. If I leaned on him for help constantly I would never believe in myself alone. So I had to. So I ended it. I felt like the HCG Diet had unrealistic expectations and that I was setting myself up for failure.

After ending the HCG diet, I gained back 10 lbs. It was a slap int he face But I knew it was going to happen. I was starved and deprived and I ate. So I know that if I ate... I would reap the consequences. But at the time I just didn't care. My body took over most days, eating what it was craving.

Then I realized I had to stop it before it was too late. I picked myself up off the floor and decided to do something about it. I joined the All Amador Marathon League which was run by Alyshia Davies. I spoke to her about HOW to eat healthy. And HOW to count calories. I've been talking to other people about choices on what to eat, and how to eat. I've been picking people's brains. Soaking it all in. I've been exercising even if it is just walking. I've been fighting this fight standing up. Instead of just giving up and letting it win. Granted not every day is as good as I hope it is with the eating, but I know it's a process that I have to go through in order to change my life for good. Sometimes I fall off the band wagon, but it's about getting back up and fighting the good fight. 

I've lost 5 lbs of the weight I gained back after the HCG diet. 

I'm proud of those 5 lbs. I fought for those 5 lbs. I will continue to fight too!

Fight with me. Join me. We can do this together. I believe in myself, and I believe in you.

Getting Motivated and finding a "New Normal."

So after the grueling work out I received last Thursday, it literally took me days for my muscles to recover. I had little to no motivation to go out and even walk. I did manage to paint my bathroom, however barely got through that. It hurt just to lift my arms. Stomach muscles hurt that I hadn't used in ages. So I didn't go out and do anything. I sort of regret not at least going for a walk or something.

So today, with the fog rolled in and blanketed over the town. I got together with a friend and went out on a walk. I knew she would push me to go further then I normally did, also push me to go a little harder then I normally do too. And it worked. I went double my normal route, which also in turn told me I needed to extend my route by doubling it regularly. I could tell my body needed that extra push. I needed to start pushing to my limits. Finding my limits will be the most difficult part of this. For the longest time I've stopped short before I reached my limit..... and now I am trying to push past it. Both my mind and body are working against me. It just isn't "normal" for me. So the whole idea is to find a new normal. What an idea. Finding a new normal for my new healthy self.

So my motivation is back, and now I want to even go out and do another route again later this evening. It's amazing how one work out can change your outlook on things. I love it!

Fun Size? or Bucket Size?

I've been thinking about this for a while now. It was only until recently that I realized my thinking was completely wrong.

With Halloween coming close, and candy coming out of my nose, I see "fun size" on the small packages of candy. I would always think to myself, "Ha! Fun Size, Nahh, fun size is bucket size!". I thought that the marketing for getting less then normal was genius. It made people feel..... "fun". Like they were having a party. Just because "Fun Size" was printed on the package. I felt like I was the only one who realized the lie they were portraying, tricking us into enjoying a smaller portion.

It wasn't until THIS Halloween that I realized it was MY thinking that was wrong. Thinking that I needed a huge portion for it to really be fun. As if barfing sounded like a good time to me? It seriously wasn't until I started out on this healthy journey that I realized what was so fun about the smaller sizes. For one. You can sample at least 3 small packages before you eat the total of one regular size candy bar. Also, You can enjoy a small portion of just one small package, and not have the guilt associated with eating a regular size candy bar. But there is one problem. These small packages can be tricky. If you don't pay attention, you can also eat too many thinking that they are just so small and harmless, that by the time the day is through you've eaten enough to equal 2 regular size or king size bars.

With my stomach smaller, and used to more healthy food, I find that it doesn't take much for me to be satisfied with something that is "not healthy". On a different note, If I eat too much junk, I also get sick. It's sort of a psychical repercussion of making poor choices. My body is working with me now, and lets me know when I've over done it, or when I should stop. I find it amazing how now, I can feel when I start getting full and stop. Instead of this empty bottomless feeling. It's amazing how our bodies adapt. Thank God for healthy eating, and healthy bodies.

Crab crawls and Planks = Pain

Ugghhh. I am wiped out. Today I feel muscles that I haven't felt in a long time. I have a constant sensation of shakiness as if my blood sugar is down, so I've been eating several small meals. My body is not used to this kind of work out. And I thought my walks were a decent work out. I was sadly mistaken. It's one of those hurts that you know is for the greater good.

Of all days, I choose today to paint. Which is probably a good thing because it's making me get up and move around. So the bathroom has a new coat of paint, and I lost 3 lbs overnight . LOL Productivity is AWESOME!.

Comparisons can be dangerous!

Tonight I went and worked out with the All Amador Marathone League. First we did a mile run. Ok, the mile has NEVER been my strong point. So why I want to run marathons are beyond me! Perhaps I have lost my mind? That would be more realistic! I barely made it through the mile and was last in line. My calves were wrenched in knots and felt as if the muscles were tearing. Nice huh? Well as I was at the end of the line, coming in at last place I started to compare myself to the other runners and people participating in the group tonight. I started to think that perhaps I wasn't cut out for this group. Perhaps this was just too much? Should I go back to my walking until I got more strength? I started to think about how these people were so much further then I was and let me tell you, those are some dangerous thoughts. I mean if everyone did that we would all just quit on the spot. My mind was not in the right place during that mile. Again, the mile was never my strong point. HOWEVER, I am going to make that change. The mile WILL be my strongest point yet.

As I was lagging back at the end of the line I realized that I was there. That was my accomplishment. I was there and I was doing my best to change my life. That is my accomplishment for the day. I'm changing my life now! As we speak I am changing my life. So what if I come in last. So what if people have to wait for me to finish the mile. I WILL FINISH THAT MILE! The fact that I was even there, was awesome!

This reminded me of an specific event in my high school track and field career. I was running the 300hurdles. It was about 1/4 mile I think. Not sure on that. I could be completely off. However, I was at the top of my game. This should have been MY RACE. I should have come in top 3. Although God did not have that planed for me. I ate it hard on the first hurdle. Coming right out of the gate I tripped and ate it into the gravel track. I can't tell you how badly this hurt my entire innner soul and ego. It hurt bad. The bloody scrapes not so much. I couldn't even feel those. So people started to run to my side to check on me. When I realized what had happened, I got up, pushed through the people that came to my aid, and started to jog along. I could barely get over the hurdles, but I did it. I didn't stop, nothing could have stopped me. I pulled very ounce of strength out of my body to finish that race. As I heard clapping from the stadiums, I looked forward to see who had won, it was then that I realized they weren't clapping for the winner, they were clapping for me! I kept going.... pulling from the inner most core of my soul and finished that race. I received a standing ovation that day. I got more clapping then the winner did.

It was that day, and last night that it wasn't about who won, but it was about finishing the race you started out on. So I finished tonights mile. I will also finish many more. This life is a journey and I plan to finish every race I set out on.

Goals need to be set

I decided before I embark on this journey, I needed goals. So once they were reached I could celebrate them. I decided that I needed to celebrate my accomplishments instead of just covering them up and ignoring them. And not celebrating with food. So that will be my challenge all in itself. I need ideas on how to celebrate with out using food. Ideas anyone? Open for suggestion here.

Goals:

1.) Run to feed the hungry 2010 5K - On Thanksgiving morning
2.) Comfortably finish a 5K with out dieing and able to do it weekly.
3.) Reach 140lbs goal weight.
         * Milestone for that is below 200lbs - Mini celebration will be at this marker
4.) And finally finish a 10K race, partly running, partly walking.

As I was making this list of goals for myself, I found it slightly odd how my TOP and final goal was a 10K race. Not loosing the 120 lbs I set out to loose, but honestly my heart just wants to be able to DO THINGS. I want be able to move.... run... play.... and tie my shoes with out holding my breath. I find that these are the more important goals. And in order to be able to do them... the weight has to come off. It's like a side effect of living a mobile active life. I just want to be in shape and accomplish things with a fit body.

So there they are. When one goal is accomplished, I will revisit them and make new goals. I always want to have goals in place so I don't forget what I set out to do.

Project Melanie

So you see, I have this other blog that was a project of mine, however, turns out I can only write so much about horses because I don't own one. I ran out of ideas, and so it would be another few weeks until I could think of a topic to write about. So I thought about what I could write about that I am passionate about and dealing with right now, and what would be a topic I would be dealing with for a very long time. My weight, my health, my struggles and achievements are what came to mind. I didn't want this blog to be so nitchy that I would run out of ideas. I didn't want it to be about weightloss alone or even emotional side of life. I wanted it to encompass everything. I found that people like to share your ups and downs with you. They like to watch you change and grow... and thats what this blog will be about... growing.

So over the last year I've grown a lot. I've also learned a lot. For example their are things about myself that:
A.) I love
or
B.) I hate

I decided to stop wallowing in the things I hated, and start using the things I loved. I also decided to change the things I hated into positive things that I could build on.

I also realized that this eating business of mine was just going to have to change if I wanted to live the life I wanted. I realized that just as I had an unhealthy relationship with cigarettes (quit years ago), that I also had an unhealthy relationship with food. Yes, I am a self proclaimed food lover. I love food. I love to cook it, and I love to eat it. But I realize that what I have with food and me... is just an abusive relationship. And I want out! I want a new relationship that is healthy for me, full of good feelings and accomplishments. I can't do that when I am morbidly obese. So on to my quest of loosing it!

When I first set out to "loose it". I thought it would all be downhill once I made the choice to start. But to no avail it is an up and down battle. And I make it that way. It  is my own mind that keeps making road blocks and detours. Because that is all I've ever known. Failure. Failure to thrive. And so since that is all I've ever known, I keep trying to create failed results. I keep trying to sabotage myself. I am constantly on the defense with myself trying to avoid failure. It's an exhausting process. So until I give up and move aside for myself and let myself thrive this is what my battle is about.

My current struggle is that my body is just not up to par. I want to run. My mind wants to go fast and enjoy the movement, but my knees and shins are just there yet. Especially my knee. So instead of giving up I decided to make a game plan. Alyisha Davies helped me with this. So the tedious task of strength training seems daunting and impossibly long. I want change TOMORROW. But it will take time. I am impatient like a child would be. Instead of giving in to my impatients the project starts NOW! Instead of waiting until tomorrow to start..... I started Yesterday. It all begins here and now. I have a dead line to meet. I need to be able to do what I set out to accomplish.