Holidays growing nearer

I don't really know what marks the beginning of the Holidays for me but it seems that my body knows they are near. Maybe it's the fact that November has began and the stores are now going to begin to put out Christmas stuff if they haven't already. Like many people, the Holidays come with a double edged sward for me. Not only does the joy come from being able to share special memories with my family, but the fact that loved ones are gone and I will never be able to share another Holiday with them saddens me.

I know exactly when this feeling began. It began when I had to put my pony down when I was 17 the week before Thanksgiving. It was a heavy weight to bear for such a young adult.

Later in my life my dad was diagnosed with Bone Cancer, and passed away also, the week before Thanksgiving. Again, another holiday I had to go through the motions and know that I had lost someone dear. Somehow they have left little scars on my heart. My Grandma passed away later that year only about 8 months later. It was a double whammy that year.

I thought about this AGAIN as the holidays began to take hold on the world. To tell you the truth I really don't want to go through another year of sadness during the holidays. I know my dad wouldn't want me to, and nor would my grandma. I've been working on changing myself the last few months and have made such progress and I have grown so much over the last year that I feel like a completely different person. I feel like this year I have made leaps and bounds to change.

This morning I started to think about how I wanted to spend these coming Holidays. I thought to myself that I wanted to spend them with love, and joy. I wanted to have a free spirit. Light hearted and full of love. I wanted to remember those who I have loved and lost with happiness in my heart and not grief. I wanted the holidays to be what they were supposed to be. Good.

I have an idea of how to go about changing this. I plan to change my thought process and when I catch my mind drifting to darker thoughts to turn them around to positive. Not allowing me to fall into a sadness. I plan to make new rituals and memories that are happy and fun. I also want to be able to work hard on my health, but not feel guilty about having that thanksgiving meal. I want to be able to indulge but not go too far, and be able to know that my hard physical work I'm doing combats the negative I may be indulging in.

I want happiness this year.

I also feel my first 5K drawing near. Run to Feed the Hungry 2010 in Sacramento is coming up. Only  3 weeks away. I know I am ready, but I am beginning to get a little nervous. The what if's are coming into play. The what if I have bad leg cramps, what if I get lost on my route, what if have to use the restroom during my 5K, what if I forget something. And again, I have to stop myself and let it all go. Let it run off my shoulders because it's still 3 weeks away and worrying now does nothing to aid my run.

To top all of this off it's my husband's 30th Birthday today. Happy Birthday Tyson!!! This lets me know that the big 3-oh is coming up for me and reminds me that my 30's are going to be AWESOME! I am going to be the person I wanted to be. My 30's will be great. I've learned so many lessons during my 20's that I think I'm going to be going into my 30's with a LOT of knowledge of who I am as a person and what I wanted to do do with my life. My 20's were all about learning. Now I'll get to live!