Saturday, July 16, 2011

Day 3 of Sugar Detox VS Who Put Cake on my plate?

I woke up this morning 4 lbs down total for the entire week. How good does that make me feel!! Amazing Let me tell you. After all these months, and weeks of working hard and nothing. Finally some headway.

I knew I had a rough day a head of me. We had a church gathering and when there is a church gathering there is lots of good yummy food. My plan was to stick to veggies, fruit, and meat. I did that and stayed away from all the garlic bread and pasta. I did great for dinner !!. Then desert came. I decided I would have some cobbler. My friend made it and she said she put 2 table spoons in the entire fruit base, not including the crust. I figured I would have just a small scoop. It wouldn't be that bad. Then when I wasn't looking someone put a peice of cake on my plate. I really didn't want the cake. So I took my plate, with the cobbler, and cake back to my table... and ate it. I made my husband take a bite of the cake because I didnt' want to eat all of it.

So I feel like this day was a bust..... due to the cobbler and cake, otherwise I did great. No other plans to break out some carbs and eat them. So I should be ok for the rest of the night.

I wonder if I'll ever break through a point where my body is clean of sugar. If I will ever reach that point of detox. I will keep trying. I hope to reach a good solid week of no sugar and only good carbs.

Lets hope I can still keep my 4 lbs off by morning.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Sugar & Bad Carb Detox

So I'v seen people who are big like me loose a lot of weight by watching their carb intake. I believe my carb intake is off the charts too and it could be why I'm not loosing. Also, probably my body just doesn't like all these carbs and sugars and is getting inflamed by so much of the bad stuff.

Yesterday I began a one week journey of a sugar/bad carb detox. I decided I would do this for one week. I would try my hardest to be as strict as possible and follow it the best I could.

I did great all day yesterday and was free flowing with the veggies, fruits cheese and meats. I did allow a low carb tortilla wrap for lunch. I'm not trying to eliminate carbs totally, but live a low carb lifestyle basically. I just want to stay in a more healthy range.

I was amazed at how many things sugar is in. For example, I forgot sugar is in ketchup and salad dressings, and some tomato sauces. I was also really amazed at how many carbs I was consuming as well as sugar that I didn't even realize.

By the afternoon I was "jonesing" for some bad carbs.... anything... and everything I could get my hands on. My husband went to go get the mail, and also chased down the Schwans Truck driver and brought home lite ice cream sandwiches. I did give in. I had just one. But later on I had a a Greek yogurt which also had sugar content.

My over all view of the day is that there is room for improvement. I did good, but I can do better. I did loose one pound this morning and I'm already pleased with the outcome. It makes me want to do it even more.

Today is a new day. Wish me luck

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

I'm changing...

....into what. I'm not sure. But I can feel it. My perspective on myself is shifting. I am beginning to see the whole picture of how I got to be 100 lbs overweight. It's not a pretty picture, but it's simple. It's about hundreds of small little choices that lead in one direction. Obesity! Even though I can only blame myself for all those choices I don't see the point as to how that would help me now. Blaming myself for all those years would only cause me harm at this point.

Today is about change and making better choices. That lead in a more positive direction. Though they may take more time, and deliberate movements. I need to do them.

One thing that rings true to me today is that my body is a temple. God gave me this temple. All these years I've been treating it poorly and carelessly. God wants me to treat it like the most lovely thing on this Earth. As a form of worship, He wants me to take care of myself. He wants me to eat healthy, so I can be healthy for my family and stick around longer. He wants me to enjoy my life. Enjoying my life at 241 lbs is limited. Of course I am present, but am I participating in life? At 241 lbs can I even really fully participate? Most of my mid 20's I avoided the camera due to my ballooning weight. I'm sick of staying out of photo's. Where was I all those years? Not in the photos. I can tell you that much.

Today, I knew the thunderstorms were going to be rolling in. So instead of pushing my running to this afternoon and ending up canceling it, I choose to do it this morning before the storm reached home. Before, My Old Self Would have just called it a wash, and said, "Oh well, maybe tomorrow."

Yesterday I consumed 2000 calories. You say WOW, thats a lot. Yes, yes infact it is a lot of calories. Let me tell you how I did it. I ate 2 donuts. Something I would have easily done with out thinking about the consequences. However, yesterday was different, I was counting calories. Before lunch even hit, I realized my calorie intake was doomed. For lunch I ate a small bowl of lentils, with a few cubes of ham. Yes, though the lentils are healthy, they were full of calories. On a good day this would not have caused a calorie intake problem. But on today, it did because of the donuts. I was starved for dinner. I forgot what I ate for dinner. But it was all over by then anyways. It really amazed me that those are literally EMPTY CALORIES. I was still hungry, they did not make me feel full at all. I was hungry later and suffered because of those donuts even after going over my calorie budget.

That to me is not enjoying life. I wish I didn't have those donuts, because now they will affect my weight loss at the end of the week. But it happened, and now I have to deal with it the best I can. Working out and taking advantage of this cool weather and enjoy some running.

Part of me feels so silly. How could I have not known how 2 donuts would affect me. It seems so simple now. If only I would have learned this lesson when I was 22. I could have saved 80 lbs.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Tackling Your Demons!

Tonight, I tackled a major running demon. You see, there is this hill, well not really a hill but a slight incline that is very long in length. When I attempted to run it, I would have to stop half way or sometimes 2-3 times depending on the day. Tonight I ran the entire length with out stopping. I kept telling myself I could do it, I ignored the discomfort and struggle my legs were having, and I kept running. After I passed the half way point I knew I was going to do it. At that point, it gave me extra strength to continue, because I actually BELIEVED I could accomplish it.

I have realized that believing you can do it, and doing it is not far from each other. Once you believe, you can achieve it. Running has re-taught me belief in myself. I continue to challenge myself and reach those challenges. It really is uplifting.

As for my other weight loss demons. Calorie Counting. Gah!!!! Let me tell you, it is not simple. Not simple at all. There are so many head games you can play with yourself. Things such as rationalizing that it's ok to over eat, or thinking you deserve something that isn't good for you, but will fill some hole you have emotionally. Rewards are also big. I tend to reward myself with food after I've done a good job at working out, undoing everything I just worked so hard for.

Things are changing for me. I keep trying, I haven't given up yet. Now I am counting calories and watching my possible weight loss change when I choose to eat things I shouldn't after I've already had enough. This new excel sheet my Running Instructor gave introduced to me really is helping me see how my eating is affecting or rather sabotaging my weight loss. It's a rather rude eye opener if you ask me. I just hope that I can keep up with the calorie counting. It's going to make or break this weight loss journey. Thats what it's all about right? Calories in and calories out. It's really just that simple.

If only it was easy.....

Monday, May 16, 2011

The 100th Bay 2 Breakers 12k Foot Race

I DID IT!..... I am now home, resting it's now the day after Bay 2 Breakers. It was an absolutely amazing experience and I am so glad I went and finished!. My friends are the BEST! They made it so fun, and exciting. I can tell you that I will look back at that trip with smiles and no regrets.

Most people go for Costumes, or should I say... lack of costume? But everyone has fun! Although I didn't dress up in costume, I enjoyed watching and seeing everyone else's costume. People's creativity never ceases to amaze me.

In total for that day we did 12 miles, the race was 7.6 miles and I finished in 2hours 12 mins. I am beat!!! I feel like I've been hit by a train, but could not be happier!

Thank you to all my friends that helped me in my training, and support. And thank you for sharing this experience with me.

I only wish my Gran could see that I finished. Gran, this one was for you!. Thank you for supporting me in everything I do and loving me no matter what.

I will try to post photos later if I can.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Following your dreams...

Today I had a major epiphany! I realized that I love food. I've been going about this all wrong. I've been tackling it with guilt, and pushing myself to get past feeling bad that I loved food. But that was not the epiphany I had. My epiphany is that I need to find something I love MORE then food. And then I need to go after it.

I'm so sorry to announce that yes, although I do love running, it is not my most favorite thing in the world, which is why I kept leaving and returning and not able to keep on track. I simply did not love it enough to do it religiously. Which doesn't mean I am going to stop doing it. Knowing this. I asked myself, "then what do I love so dearly I would stop killing myself with food for?"..... my answer was "Horses." I LOVE HORSES!. I grew up with them, I took years of riding lessons, and my dream of staying extreamly active with them has died. I let it die inside me. And even though I rode often and sometimes even twice a week, I gave up on some dreams I had with them. I pushed them aside to make room for so many other things in life. And then I fed my empty hole with food. I replaced doing what I loved with food.

This habit has created such a bad circle, that I know simply knowing this about myself now it's still not going to be easy. But, I need to loose the weight so I can be a better rider. I need to loose this weight so I can be more agile on a horse and be taken seriously instead of struggling to get through a ride while being obese.

I have always had dreams of showing. Sadly, years ago when it was the week before my first show was suppose to go down, my mare went lame. I had to go and sit in the bleachers and watch from the stands. I was devastated. Simply and utterly broken hearted. I still have that dream. I still have the knowledge and will power to get myself back up to par to live that dream. Even if it's a simple po-dunk small town relaxed show. I dream of entering and taking either 1st, 2nd, or 3rd place. I had the best chance in the world when I was a young teenager coming out of 5 years of riding lessons, but like I said before, it was crushed. Then I moved off to college and put my dreams aside to live in the real world.

This is my niche. This is what I was born to do. Even though I may not be the best. I certainly will TRY MY BEST.  I would love to give it my all. Give this another shot. Read more books, learn more things and philosophies about  horses and fill my head with knowledge and luster for life.

I suggest that if you know your passion for life, you never let it go. Go after it full hearted, and never settle, or sacrifice it for anything. It's all we'll ever have in life if we have nothing else, we'll have passion.

I also suggest that if you haven't found your passion in life, that you spend some time on yourself and find it. There is nothing worse then wondering aimlessly through life and never loving what you do.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Running for Grandma

One week ago today, I experienced a terrible loss. My Grandma who was near and dear to my heart, who had such a huge impact on my up brining passed away. She went into the hospital thinking she would be fine, and things went south fast. It was sudden, unexpected and hit me like a hammer to my chest.

It is very difficult to even write this now. Memories flash through my mind and feelings come over me like a tsunami wave. After her passing I went through stages of grief. I missed her presents on earth so very much. And the simple thought of her being gone leaves an emptiness.

Such change must occur during this process I believe. Not only do we have to create "a new normal" like my Mom says. But we have to learn to enjoy family gatherings with out Gran. For me it was more of "finding motivation to move forward". Part of me does not want to move on with out her. That part of me wants to hold tight of the memories I have. That part of me doesn't want to see her gone. Unfortunately and fortunately I do not control who stays and who goes on earth. For a while I struggled to do much of anything, let alone run. My first run after loosing Gran was a measly 1.5 miles, in light heat. To me it was the hardest 1.5 miles I have ever run in my entire life. I was exhausted, and scorched in only 70 degree weather. The sweat pour down my forehead and finding energy to take the next step was next to impossible.

The entire run I was thinking about Gran, and how she would want me to keep running. She wouldn't want me to give up on the account of her passing. She wanted me to loose this weight so badly..... sometimes I thinks she wanted it more then me. She enjoyed seeing me accomplish the things I have in the past months, and read my blog to see where I was in my journey of becoming an athlete.

I've been toying with the idea of canceling on Bay to Breakers in May. I know I am simply not ready. But now I have a partner willing to walk with me if I have to, and run with me when I can run. I've only got 3 short weeks to prepare for the longest run I've ever done my entire life. At 242 lbs, thats going to be a challenge. Also considering the fact that I've taken the last 2-3 weeks off due to unforeseen circumstances. After Gran passed, I decided I would cancel, and the sour feeling in my stomach sat as I thought of disappointing her. I could not cancel. She would be so sad if I did.

So I changed my mind and decided I WOULD run Bay to Breakers. Even if I have to walk. The next 3 weeks will be challenging to say the least. They will fly by and before I know it I will be standing at the starting line waiting to run.

I'm running Bay to Breakers for you Gran. So here's to you!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Ultimate Low- Terrified to Fail

So as I write to you today, I have a heavy heart. I've not put in the effort that is needed to loose weight, or even maintain my weight. I have gained back a total of 12 lbs of the 30 I lost. In the last week I've pack on 4 lbs. And let me tell you, I FEEL IT! I feel every pound. I am going to try and get through this blog with out beating myself up over it all, but honestly facing the facts about where I stand.

I have NOT been counting my calories.
I have NOT been running often. It's been on a whim.
I am NOT ready for Bay to Breakers.

With all of that said, it looks like I am about to give up. I thought about this the last few weeks, and weighed in my consequences. Not only am I terrified to fail at this and not willing to accept the fate of giving up, I am absolutely mad with myself that I've let myself gain these 12 lbs I worked so hard for. When I think of the struggles I went through the last 6 months or so. I just feel a deep sense of lose and sadness for myself. I know what it took to get there. And I feel like I'm just throwing it all away in one short toss.

I also feel like I am wasting my money if I am not willing to put forth the effort into running and calorie counting. I mean why keep paying my trainer if I wont work! Why keep paying someone for nothing? That money could be going towards something else. But in the same turn, I know that my only other option is gaining MORE weight when I give up. And that simply isn't an option for me. I am already extreamly unhealthy at my current weight and the last thing I need is even more weight.

So I thought about the consequences. and I am not ready to fail. I am not ready to give up. So I thought about how I can combat the overwhelming sense of failure and the size of the problem I have to face ahead of me. The only thing that came to mind was baby steps. Small baby steps. So one day at a time. And this morning, on this day. I CHOOSE RUNNING! I CHOOSE HEALTH! I choose doing something for myself even if it's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do.

I have started my calorie counting again this morning. And I will show up for run group.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Same 10 Lbs!!!!

Ok. Here is the deal. I've been fighting the same ten lbs by loosing and gaining, and so on and so forth. I can't seem to get past the 30 lbs down mark. It's frustrating but I have decided to not give up. I want to do this the right way so it stays off. It needs to me hard so I learn not to put it back on. Thats exactly what it is to! Hard! Difficult! Crazy difficult!

But I wanted you guys to know this because for those of you who are dealing with the same thing I am, your not alone. This is the whole point of this blog anyways, to let others know that there are other people out here dealing with the same problem. Obesity. It's am epidemic that hitting the nation hard. But it also means that we can turn it around. One person at a time. I feel like there is an uprising in health. Not only food, but exercise.

So my trainer recommended I put a food diary together and we'll look over it and see what I am doing wrong for the week. Granted I have been counting calories and even that doesn't seem to help all that much. So I am slightly hesitant to put faith in this, but maybe if I have an extra pair of eyes on my food intake it will help me realize what I am doing wrong.

I know that when I do loose, I ease up and give myself some slack. As soon as I give slack, a few days pass, and the weight comes back. perhaps I am simply not trying hard enough. Perhaps I am giving myself too much slack. But for the most part I eat well, healthy foods, and rarely do I get a treat like ice-cream. But when I do have that ice-cream, it seems 5 lbs are back in a snap. I've got to be able to figure out a balance where I can indulge and not pay the huge price of 5 lbs. Indulge once a week or twice. Not every day.

This journey has been so difficult. It has tested me in many ways. I can't tell you how much I have learned about myself in the last year or 6 months of this journey. But I can tell you one thing. Once I loose it, it will never come back again!!!!!! I will not allow myself to get this far gone ever again. The price is too high to pay.

Monday, January 31, 2011


I am inspired today to take this challenge one step further. I asked myself today while watching a TV show about people who lost a bunch of weight doing it the old fashioned way, "What could I do more that would help me loose this weight?". The quick answer to that was stop eating past 8pm. I am a late night snacker, and soon after dinner I am in the kitchen scrounging for something else to eat. I am simply not hungry but bored and looking for something to do. I've now got a hobby in place to assist with that, but I need to make a commitment to stop eating so late. So today I am making a pledge to myself and only myself to not eat past 8pm. That allows some time to eat for a late night snack of berries, fruit, veggies, or popcorn. I will not be depriving myself in anyway shape or form, as I will not be hungry and have a growling tummy, but I will stop the needless useless extra calories I am consuming which I know are a major problem for me.

So there you have it. one step further. No eating past 8PM.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Yellow Fire Hydrant

Last night I went for a run. At first I didn't want to go, but then I got a sudden burst of excitement and decided I had better get my butt up off the couch and go. So I did. The sun had already set and I was running in the dark. Something I would not have done before spending the last few months at Run Group with my trainer Alyshia Davies. I've become more brave in several areas of my life. One of which was tonight... running in the dark. My town is small and not scary at all. It's country hick town and there really is no threat. But the idea of running in the dark before, just did not appeal to me. However, my love for running has conquered my fear of being out in the dark. 

That night my legs were extra sore. We had run and played freeze tag at group the night before. My legs were telling me all about it. I decided I would do my best regardless of the discomfort. Because that was all it was... discomfort. Not pain. I reached the stretch where I usually began my run and when not only a month ago I had to stop half way through the straight sidewalk path to rest. Several weeks prior I had run with a friend and broke through my half way point and made it all the way to the Yellow Fire Hydrant. 

Tonight I had another goal. I wanted to make it COMFORTABLY to the fire hydrant. I ran comfortably along. I felt my rhythmic breathing with each step as I went along. Tonight my lungs were not holding me back. Tonight I found it not easy, but comfortable. Something natural. It felt like something I've done a hundred times. And then it happened. I got to that little Yellow Fire Hydrant, and passed it. I kept running. I passed that little Yellow Fire Hydrant and found myself a good distance past it when I finally called it quits and slowed to a walk. I relished in the fact that I had made a new personal goal. I enjoyed it. I lived in that moment for a while before I moved past and started with the next challenge.

Passing that Yellow Fire Hydrant just reminded me that I will have hundreds of goals that I will reach through out this journey. Each one is significant and important in and of itself.

Taking over my life, in a good way

I have to say, I am begining to see changes in myself. Not only the 3 successful pounds I lost this week, but my over all attitude towards my health and well being. I've spent an enormous amount of time trying to re-learn how to eat because I know that is where I went wrong with all of this. I LOVE food. And it doesn't mean I don't have to love food that is healthy for me. I just have to adapt to things a bit and keep an open mind. It's been challenging to keep an open mind. But I'm doing it. I used to bulk at ideas that I thought were "too far". But now I give it a try and if it doesn't work for me oh well. And if it does work for me Great!. I'm trying to change my behavior and attitude towards food and it's not easy. Yesterday I threw a tantrum and drove to the store and bought a chocolate cream pie. I consciously made that decision. However I didn't realize it was a response to stress. I thought it was a simple craving that got the best of me. Emotional eating has really driven me for the past however many years, and it's simply not going to go away over night. I realize now that what I thought emotional eating was "my boyfriend broke up with me so I am going to to sit in bed and eat a gallon of ice-cream" was not always the correct version of emotional eating. For example. My version of emotional eating is. "I'm bored, well what can I Do?... (wander to the kitchen and graze)" That was my version. Or like yesterday. I was worried about the purchase I had made for myself that was not benefiting anyone besides me. It was a simple cheap purchase that I made for myself and myself alone. And I felt guilty. My response was to go drive to the store, and buy a whole pie. When I got home I realized that this was wrong, but I may as well eat a slice since I had it there anyways. I gave half to my neighbor. and let my husband eat the other half. I had a total of 2.5 slices.

This is my story. My tantrum sounded like a child throwing a fit in my head, and the reasonable side sounded like the rational adult trying to get control of the child. The child wouldn't have it. And she won that round. Eventually the adult got control of the child a short while later. This happens all the time. She wins alot. But I am learning to rewire her in a way that She doesn't win as much. The adult is ruling over the child and She's winning.

Running is another thing. I used to slump and slink to the door in avoidance of having to exercise. Now, I can not wait till I get out there and do it again. I am getting more brave and having less excuses. Even though I enjoy it I occasionally find that the little child wins again with excuses as to why not to do something I really want to do. But like I said it's a learning process.

I am seeing my views change, and my body. Though I have gained the 8 back I lost 3 of that again. I am finally realizing this is going to be my new life. What I don't completely realize yet is that it does get easier. I have to remind myself that this will get easier. Counting calories gets faster, easier and more accurate as I go along. Now that I've broke through the part where I have to be honest with myself, I find that counting calories really is helping me stay in the ball park of where I need to be calorie wise.

I think I've simply changed as a person. Whether or not I am still obese is besides the point. I have created a new life for myself. Although the old life sometimes shines through. This new life if full of good things for me. I am constantly unwrapping something good that turns my way. Like setting a new mile record. Nothing gets better then that!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011


The last few days have been full of heavy thoughts and a heavy body. My back went out yesterday and put a halt to my heard work at training. After I weighed in at the end of the week I had gained a total of 4 more lbs. Totaling to 8lbs.  Some from the holidays, and then the other half from last weeks poor decisions. I've been thinking why I am so afraid of calorie reduction. It's not like I am going to starve to death. That simply won't happen. Do I fear the grumbling stomach?. Well if I eat right that shouldn't be too uncomfortable.

At first when I weighed in and saw the gain, I tried to excuse it away. Muscle mass weighs more then fat, yadda yadda yadda. I am sure you've heard it all before and probably done it yourself also.I used all sorts of excuses even carrying water weight from muscle soreness. But after a few days passed I realized I was fooling myself. I thought back to what I had devoured the week before. I had been extra hungry due to the heavy work outs and grabbed quick microwaveable things such as chicken nuggets, frozen burritos, and had mad casseroles that were not the healthy type. Not to mention the ice-cream drumsticks that were stocked by the box in the freezer. I probably ate half of them in total. I could go back and pick out everything I did wrong. And it would clearly point in the direction as to why I gained the weight. I simply ate a ton of calories.

Now that I am out of commission, I realize I needed to watch what I was putting in my face more carefully or else there were going to be huge (literally huge) consequences to pay.

I weighed in my options. I could go forward still fearing starvation due to calorie reduction, or I could move forward knowing I was taking care of my body. Also I would be making running easier on myself physically. As I should be loosing weight the further my training goes. The harder I work makes it rougher on my body. Not eating right and working so hard can be an unhealthy combination. It wasn't until just now that I realized this.

Fear of failure comes to heart at this point. Trying and failing again at changing my eating habits. But when it comes down to it, I don't have any options. This is my only choice. So I may as well face it and conquer it.

If counting calories is what I need to do then I'll do it. If making a chart for the fridge is what will make it easier I'll do it. I do know that this is not the end of the fight. Just being motivated and ready mentally doesn't make it easy or make it happen. I have to make it happen. It's my responsibility to take care of myself and feed my body energy to run correctly. Especially if I am training the way I am. It's even more important now.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Prepared to fail???

This topic has been on my mind the last week. I've noticed that I keep ending up in the back. Yes, my body isn't as strong as the others in the group. But I find that when newcomers join I even allow myself to be behind them when I know I am more prepared physically then they are. I kept asking myself why am I always in the back. I dug deep into my heart because I knew it wasn't my body failing me. It was my mind.

This week I pushed myself hard! I did things I didn't think I could do and I made major improvements in my timed laps and mile. It blew me away how much more I could do in such a short period of time. So knowing that I could go harder, go longer, and dig deeper, I asked myself why I remained in the back.

It was simple when it came to me. I was prepared to fail. Prepared to be the slowest, fattest, and fail. I had failed for so long, and been in the back for so long I forgot what it tastes like to be first. To be a winner. I forgot how it feels. Let me tell you that settling to be last is not a good feeling. You stop trying. You give up and accept defeat. I am determined to not allow myself to be the last forever. Even if it takes me a whole year. I will not always be last in line.

Failure. Hum, this is a touchy subject for me. I've been at the place where it was home. I know what it feels like to think you can't do any better. I stopped caring what others thought about me because I was failing. I would say well, thats me, thats the best I can do. Now knowing I can do better, I question what will I do with new found desire and drive to win? Well WIN of course!

What I find even more hard to accept and face is that people around me started doubting in my abilities. They started to believe that WAS the best I could do. They stopped believing that I could do things and accomplish things. They enabled me to fail and accept it. Even though they wanted the best for me, they allowed me to keep failing. I know that it was ultimately my fault. Putting blame on anyone at this point doesn't do anyone justice. It's done and over with now. So lets move on and forward and forget who did what and who DIDN'T do what.

I am so sick of feeling worthless, and not worth while. I am so tired of thinking and people thinking I couldn't do something and succeed.

How does one get to a point where they are prepared to fail at no matter what they do? I can tell you how I did it. I stopped trying. Simple as that. I gave up before I even started. Whether is was a New Years Resolution, a new job, a new friendship, a new hobby. I just gave up. I knew I would fail. Before I even started I thought this was going to end badly. And so it did. I brought it to that conclusion. I did it. I allowed it and willed it to happen that way. And so it did.

I can tell you that this causes me a great deal of pain and emotional discomfort. Perhaps I fed my hurt emotions with food all these years. Smoking also aided to the demise of my self esteem. Eating became something that felt good. Eating became something that I could always turn to. Smoking too. I celebrated with a cigarette, and I celebrated with food. If I felt awful that day, or I had failed at something I turned to food. I turned to smoking. Now that I have quit smoking, that only left food for me to turn to. It wrenches my heart in 10 different ways knowing exactly how I got here. It tears me up that I let me get here. I can blame no one but myself, except for the fact that my loved ones enabled me. But like I said before, blame does no one any good at this point.

Those of you that love me, you will start seeing more out of me. More successes, and accomplishments. I'm sick of this failure business. I'm ready to win! It's taken me years to get to this point, so I need to realize that it's going to take a while to dig myself out.

If I could only go back and tell myself to not accept defeat and failure, that I could do better. I think I would have listened to my future self. If only time travel was real right?

This blog post is Dedicated to Alyshia Davies. Thank you for everything you have taught me so far, I can't wait to learn more about myself.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Pretty Pretty Please....

...don't you ever, ever feel like your less then perfect.

Today, it sunk in.  Through the sweat, and burning muscles, I realized that I was special and worthy. How amazing is that feeling? I can do this. Forget the I can't(s). I can damn it!

I'm ready. I'm stoked, and ready to burn! I'm excited to see what this new year brings me and what I bring it. My 30's are rolling around and getting nearer and I am going to make them great! I'm ready to be the best person I can be, including physically. Most importantly physically.

Even if I have to dig my way out of blood and fire. I'm going to loose this weight! If thats what it takes, I'm going to do it.

It's amazing how just a few work outs and one amazing run with great friends, and a focus work out in the gym can change your whole outlook. To those of you who want to know why I like running. Thats why. Running can change everything.

Amazing day today. Feels great to be back in the game. Thanks for joining me. Thanks for supporting me. Thanks for seeing the changes in me and telling me that you see them.

Starting the New Year

So starting the new year has been a bit of a challenge for me. I ended up getting a cold at Christmas and was recovering the end of the year. I found that my ability to pick up where I left off was more difficult mentally then physically. My muscles remembered where I was at in training, but my mind just didn't want to do it. The rain came and I made excuses to not go outside in the cold wet weather. And then there were other things stopping me such as visiting friends, grocery shopping, and errands to run.

During all this chaos, I knew I needed to set a resolution. A goal of some kind for the new year that will assist me in my weight loss goal. I didn't want it to be something difficult, or even something I could fail at. I wanted a fail proof goal. Also something I would want to do. So I decided my New Year's Resolution would be to EAT BREAKFAST!. Easy right?. Easy for most people anyways. I tend to skip it and hold off until lunch. By the time I hit lunch I am starved and my blood sugar levels have dropped. I think this is a great goal. Something even as simple as a banana or bowl of cereal. Easy, simple, fail proof.

I've been thinking about what's been holding me back. I feel like I am talking the talk, but not walking the walk. I feel like I am not backing up my words with actions. I think that it's time I started speaking with my actions. Instead of saying I'll do something, I'll prove and say it by doing it! I feel like I've been letting myself down as well as some people around me by not working on my training at home. It is slowing my process to enhance my pace and endurance. It's not fair to myself, or to others I am training with as they are getting faster and I am still remaining in the back.

On a happier note, I feel stronger then before I got sick. Weird I know. I am hardly ever so sore I can't walk. I can move the next day no matter what kind of work out I have, hard or easy. I can't tell you how happy I am. I remember the beginning when I could barely walk for 3 days. Now it only feels good the day after or right after my work out. I feel vibrant and alive. It really does amaze me how it affects my moods and emotions after a good hard work out. So with this note, I know I need to step it up a bit and elongate my routes. Like I've said before. I need to push harder, go longer, and try faster.

So what I've learned the past week or so... is that just saying you are a runner doesn't make you a runner. You have to run in order to be a runner. So I need to get out there and just run!

I hope your New Year will be great one. I wish you the best in 2011! Now start running!
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