Today I had a major epiphany! I realized that I love food. I've been going about this all wrong. I've been tackling it with guilt, and pushing myself to get past feeling bad that I loved food. But that was not the epiphany I had. My epiphany is that I need to find something I love MORE then food. And then I need to go after it.
I'm so sorry to announce that yes, although I do love running, it is not my most favorite thing in the world, which is why I kept leaving and returning and not able to keep on track. I simply did not love it enough to do it religiously. Which doesn't mean I am going to stop doing it. Knowing this. I asked myself, "then what do I love so dearly I would stop killing myself with food for?"..... my answer was "Horses." I LOVE HORSES!. I grew up with them, I took years of riding lessons, and my dream of staying extreamly active with them has died. I let it die inside me. And even though I rode often and sometimes even twice a week, I gave up on some dreams I had with them. I pushed them aside to make room for so many other things in life. And then I fed my empty hole with food. I replaced doing what I loved with food.
This habit has created such a bad circle, that I know simply knowing this about myself now it's still not going to be easy. But, I need to loose the weight so I can be a better rider. I need to loose this weight so I can be more agile on a horse and be taken seriously instead of struggling to get through a ride while being obese.
I have always had dreams of showing. Sadly, years ago when it was the week before my first show was suppose to go down, my mare went lame. I had to go and sit in the bleachers and watch from the stands. I was devastated. Simply and utterly broken hearted. I still have that dream. I still have the knowledge and will power to get myself back up to par to live that dream. Even if it's a simple po-dunk small town relaxed show. I dream of entering and taking either 1st, 2nd, or 3rd place. I had the best chance in the world when I was a young teenager coming out of 5 years of riding lessons, but like I said before, it was crushed. Then I moved off to college and put my dreams aside to live in the real world.
This is my niche. This is what I was born to do. Even though I may not be the best. I certainly will TRY MY BEST. I would love to give it my all. Give this another shot. Read more books, learn more things and philosophies about horses and fill my head with knowledge and luster for life.
I suggest that if you know your passion for life, you never let it go. Go after it full hearted, and never settle, or sacrifice it for anything. It's all we'll ever have in life if we have nothing else, we'll have passion.
I also suggest that if you haven't found your passion in life, that you spend some time on yourself and find it. There is nothing worse then wondering aimlessly through life and never loving what you do.