Saturday, December 18, 2010

I must be crazy....

because I am going to be running Bay to Breaks 2011. It's San Fransisco's 100th annual race.
Bay to Breakers

It is a 12K, over half of what I've accomplished as of yet. I know I need to train. It's going to be an interesting yet meaningful journey. Problem is I don't see me there yet. I know what I need to do to get there, but I partly don't believe in myself. Regardless, I will be training my butt off to get in shape enough to finish that race.

Sitting across from me she said, "You need to ask yourself is it pain, or discomfort? And if it's pain then stop, if it's just discomfort, keep going." I returned her look and nodded agreeing to what she said, as that epiphany fully sunk in I fidgeted across from her.

I had met with Alyshia to discuss my lack of motivation and general feeling of being lost, and with no real goal in sight I knew that was a major problem. I needed something to work towards, and really, doesn't everybody? I felt mindless as I would run, and had no reason to go outside in the cold weather and push myself if there was no race in sight. I let my body fall slightly back out of shape the past few weeks and I knew I had to do something quick!

Asking for help was something I wasn't used to. In the past I would try to do it myself, and fail. I now know that failing just isn't an option for me. I am morbidly obese, and it 's affecting my health. Although my body is resilient, I need to take care of myself now if I plan to live a healthy life. This had been the first real time that I needed this much help since I began her group. I have to emphasize that I have taken care of other people's needs for so long, that asking someone to give to me was unheard of. Actually asking.... it was a step in a direction where there were going to be many more pleas for help. I may as well get used to help. Because I needed all the help I can get.

Secondly, I was battling the most difficult fear of all, "Who will I be when I loose the weight?" My identity was revolving around this fat girl persona. I had accepted defeat, and failure for so many years that that had become my excuse for not trying or giving up. Who was she going to be? Who will she be? Will I even recognize myself as a healthy weight person? Someone who can climb stairs and not be breathless? How will she handle accomplishment, or better yet, how will she handle defeat? Will she roll over and allow it to get the best of her, or will she get up and fight?

I was telling Alyshia that I had a template of my 13 year old self. I was at a healthy weight, and was full of life, and was accustomed to getting things I wanted in life. I would fight for what I wanted and get it. I wanted to have a horse, and so I worked at the age of 11 as a ranch hand to pay for horse lessons, and to be able to support a horse myself. At the age of 14 I had 2 horses in my care, and paid for everything they needed. I was a go getter, someone who knew what they wanted, and went for it. Someone who didn't accept defeat as an outcome. Someone who was positive, happy, and full of life. Someone people would admire even as a 13 year old child. Unfortunately life happened somewhere in between and it lead me down a pathway that allowed me to be who I am today. Granted the person I am today isn't bad, however she needs some dire improvements.

"It's do or die. And die is not an option. So keep trying." She said with understanding painted on her face and compassion in her eyes. I knew she was right. It may not be today, but if I kept doing the things I was doing my life was in trouble. Diabetes, heart attack, atherosclerosis. You name it I would ended up with it. I couldn't afford to loose this time. Like she said. It was do or die.

When she said "Do or die".... it may seem harsh, but the reality is I am morbidly obese. And that ain't good. At first my brain registered it as, "Ya ya, thats what they all say, my health is in jeopardy. Blah blah blah." But something clicked inside me. This time it was different. I heard her. I felt it. I wasn't ready to roll over and die. I wanted a long healthy life. I had plans. I wanted certain things out of life. And so there it was. When she said do or die. She took away all my excuses I had lined up so that I could get out of working out or running. There was nothing left but 2 simple choices. Do, or Die. And like she previously stated, dieing simply was not an option. So that left Do. That was it. I had no more excuses. She had taken the gray area away from me and I saw things black and white. Simple. Now it's only a matter of doing it!

So with the goal in mind of finishing Bay to Breakers, I will begin my training. I know this is not the end of my complaining, or even the middle, but I have a better understanding of where I am at, and where I am headed. For now, I know who I am and what I am doing with myself. However, after every accomplishment I am forced to challenge the idea of who I am, in order to truly understand.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Life is like a race....

I can feel it. I'm on my last mile, headed towards the finish line. Another year passed by. Breathless, and exhausted I crave the family gatherings at the end of a year like a vacation. Legs like noodles, barely holding my weight, striving, reaching for that finish line. 

The idea of making a new years resolution haunts me. I never believed in making a resolution, because they never stuck. But then again, I also never believed in working out, and here I am, considering myself a runner.

I don't know what it is, but I am restless. Sort of anxious. I wander around the house looking for things to do, yet, at the same time I don't feel like doing it. It's a funny time of year, when the sun is out only for a few hours, and the darkness falls around us at 4:30pm. Stuck in a house for the entire evening, Boredom sets in. Beginning to miss the long summer days, when the sun is out until 8pm. Allowed to roam the streets and play outside in the dirt until late evening hours. Moving, stretching our body to it's fullest and soaking up the sun. Fruit on total and full display, veggies at full flavor. I am beginning to miss the Summer time.

Don't get me wrong, I love the winter, but I feel like it's full of waiting.Like the trees waiting to blossom in spring, and the bulbs waiting to come up. Then there is myself, waiting for better weather, waiting for the good fruits and veggies to come, meanwhile eating foods that I really shouldn't like casseroles, and roasts.

I am realizing this is my home stretch, and now is the most important time to NOT GIVE UP! There was a quote that came to me the other day, "Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." Right now I feel like giving up. My motivation is sooo lacking. And when this quote came to me I knew this was very important for me. 

I feel like hibernating. The cold weather whips my body when I run, it's hard to get started, but feels oh so good when I am done.

So people, I am at my last straight stretch. I'm still not sure if I am going to make a resolution but I am headed towards the finish line none the less.

This last year has taught me discipline, humility, strength, forgiveness, and patience. I believe this year has had the most growth then most years in my life. Amazing what God has done in my life. He has taken away so much, yet given so much back in return. 

Friday, December 3, 2010

Who am I, where am I?

I just finished painting my guest bathroom (again). When I finished I sat down and looked out the window. The fog had rolled in while I was working away in the bathroom. Why hadn't I noticed? The whole neighborhood was surrounded. I even went outside to gather equipment and had not noticed the fog rolling in around me.

I started to think about my life and my feelings the past few days. I feel some what oblivious to whats really important and consumed with my own feelings. I am stuck in my head basically. While I am working out my feelings in my head, life goes on around me and I am simply missing whats really important.

I have a strong desire to get into a new house, one with more storage, a garage, on a foundation, and out of this mobile home park. I feel surrounded by negative people in this park. The manager is chronically unhappy and negative, and down right crazy at times. We are running out of storage and gathering clutter. It's driving me crazy with all this STUFF and now where to put it. We are out growing this house.

To make all of this more frustrating, we could afford a house that is in foreclosure with the same payments we are making on this house and for the property rent. It's really bothering me. We can't buy a house until we sell this one. Simple as that. Not to mention Tyson needs to put in more time at his job for it to count as income towards the new house.

So back to the fog, I started to think where I was in life, and was I happy. Actually yes!. I am so lucky to have a roof over my head, and a car to drive, and food to eat. However, I can't help but feel as though I could be happier! I began to study this emotion, and I feel it's a bit on the greedy side. I didn't like what I had discovered.

Today I have feelings I don't want to have. I feel my negative emotions surrounding me and there is just no reason for them. There is nothing wrong with wanting better for yourself, but come on, take a look around and appreciate what you DO have and where you are right NOW.

So today is about me trying to get out of this Funk I'm in.

Thanks for reading today.
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