Friday, October 29, 2010

Tea Time

Yogi Tea Wisdom of the day "You can run after satisfaction, but satisfaction must come from within."

How true is this?!!!! So true if you ask me.

My love affair with Yogi tea came at a time when I was very sick and I didn't know why. I was going on 2 months of stomach upset. I could barely keep food down. I went to see all different kinds of doctors and did all sorts of tests. Basically they decided I had Fatty Liver Syndrome. I mean it wasn't bad enough that I was so obese, but now it was spreading to my organs. I knew I had to do something. It was getting out of hand and I was loosing control.

So I started this tea regimen. It was called, "Yogi Detox", for the detoxification and cleansing of the kidneys and liver. I drank until my heart was content. I had 2-3 a night and very rarely did a day go by with out tea. I lost 30lbs while I was sick. I considered this a negative weight loss. I considered it unhealthy because I was not in control and it was due to being sick. I was happy non the less, but in my heart I knew this was not a good thing.

At the end of that 30 lbs weight loss my liver numbers returned to average or "normal". I counted my blessings and gave credit to the detox tea. Ever since I swear by this tea. I now have many different flavors such as "Muscle Recovery- For an active body", "Vitality - To increase stamina", and "Joint Comfort".

It was last year when I realized I was going to loose years on my life if I kept letting myself go. I started walking then, but barely broke a sweat. I still tried. I know that it was the act of just going outside and doing it was the hardest for me. Sometimes weeks would go by when I wouldn't get one walk in, but I'd pick it up again, I never gave up. And here I am 30 lbs down by my choice. Being active and changing my life for the better. I know that this road is going to be a long process. I also know it's not going to be easy, but I am determined. I already feel so much better, and feel like I CAN accomplish things and have achievements of my very own.


I can't thank those around me at Group enough. They are so supportive and they absolutely will not let you fall down and not get up. I love it.

Last night my body just wasn't up to par. Psychically my legs were killing me. I had done the hill earlier that day and I was paying for it. I was also exhausted. I know that things will get better though.

I had gone to Starbucks to grab a cup of Joe to wake up. So tired I was. And I sat in a parking lot to drink it. Half way through I decided to go home, then on my way home I decided to stay and go to group.... then go home... go to group.....go home.. go to group. I was TORN! I ended up driving all the way home. Then Alyshia got a hold of me. She has a way of lighting fire under your feet. So off to group I went.

Group seemed impossible to me that night. I felt like everything was a struggle. I did about 60% of the work out and let the rest of it slid. I felt glad that I just showed. The support is amazing there and I needed it.

When I got home I iced my legs. They needed it so badly.

This morning I was never so glad to see coffee. Ohhh coffee, how I love you so.

So the next few days will consist of nothing serious for me. Light walking and no running. My legs need to heal. I think I have shin splits on top of cramps in my calves. Whop de do!

To those of you who think I might be quitting or giving up. I'm not. I'm still full bore ahead, but sometimes ya gotta just listen to your body and slow down a bit. My mind moves at a much faster pace then my body can and sometimes it simply can't keep up. Thanks for all your support. I love you guys already.

Thursday, October 28, 2010


Thats right folks. I'm tired. I don't know if it was from the heavy work out on Tuesday, or this morning's hill. But I feel like I need a nap. I tried to lay down and sleep a short while but I can't. I tried.

So here is my problem. I have Group tonight with the Marathon League. And I feel half asleep. I feel like not going. But I know thats not a good idea. I want to be there mentally, but physically can I just get a break?

On top of it all I feel like just crying. I don't know about you, but when I get over exhausted I feel like crying my eyes out. Don't know why or what causes this but it happens to me.

Perhaps it's because I'm so tired physically and I am sad my body can't go further? I am frustrated I got to this point. I am frustrated I let myself get to be 200 plus lbs.What is even more frustrating is that now I'm trying to do something about it and the task feels overwhelmingly difficult.

My mind can remember what it was like to be a teenager. Agile, flexible, and a young athlete. My mind wants to be "THERE" again. But my body is so far from it. It makes me sad, it makes me angry, and all those non productive feelings that produce nothing but negative emotions. Even though I realize these emotions are not conducive to feeling good about myself I can't help but feel them.

I just have to remember that I've accomplished a LOT since I decided to change my life. I need to focus on the things I've done so far and know that I can keep going. Like the fish Dora Says on "Finding Nemo"....."Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimming.".

So thats what I'll do. Spoken from true wisdom of Dora the fish. I'll keep swimming today.

Defeat tastes bitter!

There was a challenge yesterday, and I was simply too exhausted to do it. But this morning I felt I could give it a shot. So I drove to the hill. Got out of my car, stretched and warmed up. As I was warming up I was thinking to myself, "What the hell am I doing here?"  I mean seriously my legs still haven't recovered from last Tuesday. Well I thought I would try anyways. I walked around the neighborhood for a while to warm up. Then I hit the hill.

I started of slow and sure. Taking my time. I got to the first corner, and I may as well have been running straight up the stairs. Perhaps I should have taken the outside of the corner and not the inside steepest part. My lungs began to burn, and again, the pain in my legs went away. What is that lack of oxygen? I hit the first cross road and kept on going. I started to get light headed and couldn't see straight. My legs continued to take me higher. When I hit Mountain View cross road I quit. It was that or pass out. I couldn't take it.

 I was defeated. 

It was then when I caught my breath that I realized my legs were shaking underneath me. It felt like an earthquake. My knees quivered and wanted to crumble under my weight.

And now I had to walk down the hill I had just run up. Great!

I walked down slowly, legs shaking and all. Thank God I remembered my knee brace. Down hills are difficult on my knees the one feels as if it wants to buckle under me on good days.

When I got back to my car I sat there for a moment. Gathering myself until I could see straight again.

I stopped at Safeway on my way home to grab some bananas and cottage cheese. I could barely walk into the store. How was I ever going to do training tonight with the All Amador Marathon League? I had to face it, I certainly wasn't going to run tonight. But maybe I could go just to walk.

I don't like how defeats feels. It feels permanent and daunting. It feels dark and dreary. It feels like failure. I'm done failing. This will be one of my goal hills. Literally. I will climb this hill one day!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Competitive like a horse

Weird right? I know what you're thinking, "Horses aren't competitive". But I think they are. You know how when they are racing with another horse, and they get equal to them, look them in the eye and push harder to win, to get ahead of the other horse. Let me tell you I've been on a horse that wanted to be first, and you can NOT stop them. They are going for the gold.

          (Seabuscuit VS War Admiral)
Here is some info on Seabuscuit. He was a horse that was smaller then the rest, and he was also not a favorite. He was not expected to win, but he did. He went on and won many races. When it came to War Admiral, he was the fastest horse around. Again, Seabuscuit was thought to loose. However, Seabuscuit had it in his heart to win. He had a huge heart and even though War Admiral was the usual winner, Seabuscuit won. It just goes to show that it's not all about the act of doing something, but it's the heart that counts.

Last night I reminded myself of that. How the horse pushes it into another gear when they are equal with another horse or even behind another horse. The running group I am in met at a local high school track. We were doing conversational laps where you were supposed to talk as we walked, and then push laps, where you were supposed to push as hard as you can go with out falling over. On my first lap I did 3:25, on my second lap Alyshia trotted up next to me and we met pace. It wasn't so hard for the first few mins, but as I came around the last bend my lungs started to bulk. I was scraping for all the oxygen I could get. An amazing thing happened, the pain in my legs was gone for those last minuets. I don't know if it was lack of oxygen or that I was trying so hard that I couldn't pay attention to anything else around me then what I was doing, but I beat Alyshia. I know she can run faster, but she ran at a pace she thought was my level, and I pushed passed it. I nearly cried when I finished. I didn't think I could do it. I didn't think I could make it past that last bend, let alone kick it into 4th gear and finish before her. I shaved off 10 seconds off my first timed lap and did 3:15. It took everything I had.

Although my calves were in knots nearly the entire time, I was able to push past the pain and run. When I got home I gave them a much needed pressure massage and they feel ok today. I will need to work on them some more. I can tell that cramps in my calves will be the first hurdle I have to cross. The second hurdle will be my lungs. I've always had trouble with exercised induced asthma.

Here's to you Seabuscuit.   (Seabuscuit VS War Admiral)

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Emotional Attacking

This is something near and dear to my heart. I've experienced it many times in my life and I can tell you that none of which were pleasant or deserved. It breaks my heart knowing that there are young kids out there who are experiencing it and enduring it. I wish from the bottom of my soul that I could stop it some way worldwide. But just one person can only make a chip or dent in the problem.... and then others will arise victimizing others. Stop one, another will rise. My theory is a sad but true one. So we must all band together against it. Even if it means stopping ourselves from doing it to others.

So this posting is dedicated to every soul who has experienced it, is currently enduring it, and anyone who doesn't know what to do about it. Also anyone who is doing it to others.

Emotional Blackmail, or Emotional Bullying. This is what I am talking about here today.

Children are committing suicide over it. People are using it as means to control others emotions and feelings in order to get them to do things they want or in order to simply hurt one another.

Like I said I have experienced it myself. It's painful and scaring. In ALL of my experiences with it I did not deserve it. I was simply being authentic to myself and in turn someone didn't like it and attacked me emotionally. I thought about how I should talk about this subject, and I want to acknowledge that yes even though I was a victim in the emotional attack like many of you, I will not allow them to victimize me. I will not allow myself to wallow in the pain or discomfort. I will get up, brush myself off and move forward. I think you should too. Because I know that everyone reading this has experienced some form of emotional bullying. If we sit in our sadness of it, it is like poison to your soul. You'll die there in it.

I think about why people do this.  Here are some theories:

  • They don't like themselves and feel guilty for what ever reason
  • They try to lower you a peg or two in order to feel better about themselves
  • They wished they could be like you, and can't, so they try to change you for the worse.
  • They want to hurt you, and cause you pain
  • They don't want to see you succeed.
  • They want to see you fail.
  • Misery loves company.
These are just a few of my ideas of why people do this. Sometimes it's not as negative as I express, and sometimes they want to invoke action in you. But none of which is called for. Trying to control someone else is simply not acceptable.

I hope that everyone enduring this can get the strength of overcome it. Stand up for themselves and take a stand against it. And if you are stuck in the discomfort of it, I hope you can walk away from it.

Standing up for yourself can be a difficult thing. Especially when you know it will hurt someone else. It is our nature to please other people, and sometimes we do it at our own sacrifice. Before you know it we have sacrificed and sacrificed ourselves and nothing is left. Which is why we become overweight and begin emotionally eating. Trying to fill a void that can't be filled because there is nothing left of ourselves to give. Our  youth of the world can't keep up with the world's expectations of them. They are just trying to be true to themselves, and people slap them down beaten and bruised. They can only take so much before they start believing in what others are saying about them. If people began to believe everything others said about them, what would be the point in living?. Thats why suicide happens. They stop believing in themselves, and believe what others are saying. It's so sad...... it breaks my heart. 

I've been there. I've been at a point where I started to believe what the world was saying about me. What society said about me. Until now. I am rising above what the world thinks, and believing in myself. I pray and hope that every single kid out there, and adult will have the strength to do this. Sometimes it takes everything you have inside you. Sometimes it is as simple as ending an unhealthy relationship. Sometimes it is as hard as standing up for yourself. In any aspect. I hope it doesn't come to your doorstep, and when and if it does, I hope you're strong enough to fight back.

Looking forward to Group tonight!

I can't wait to go to group tonight. I am hoping that I get to push my body to see where some limits are. I'm hoping I get to push past them and find a little bit more strength. I also hope that I'll be able to walk tomorrow morning. LOL

I've found the mysterious, "runner's high" everyone speaks about who works out. I love it! It makes me happy to my core. I love the way my body feels after a good work out and after accomplishing something I thought I couldn't do. It's amazing and uplifting. When I set out on this journey I didn't expect I'd like it so much! I know thats a weird para-dime, but I do. I enjoy being outside in the weather. Although I think I might think differently if I had to go out in the rain! Ha!

Signing off for now. Enjoy this beautiful day!

Getting Started

I wanted to clarify something in my blog. It came to my attention that my last post was not exactly how I felt about the HCG diet.

First off I want to say Thank you to my old health coach. You know who you are. He helped me tackle things that I could not have faced alone. He showed me what I was doing to myself and that I was creating my own failure. He made me see things that I did not like about myself and opened the door for me to change it. He was available when ever I needed him, he was only a phone call away. I am so thankful because he helped me believe in myself

He also supplied the HCG Diet and drops to me. I want to say, that had I not started this program on the HCG diet, I may not be where I am today. It helped me loose 25 lbs. In 40 days. And in turn showed me that I CAN actually lose weight. It taught me to listen to my body and eat smaller portions. It was like a cleanse to me. My body was lighter, and clean. I think it was a great start to this journey. Starting with a cleanse.

I do want to be honest here, it was not the diet for me. It was a great start, and I owe the HCG diet big time. But I couldn't continue it forever. Perhaps this is only my experience. Perhaps other people have different opinions about it. I just felt like I couldn't keep up with it. So I decided to do it the old fashioned way with simply diet, and exercise. I am sorry that my previous post lighted the HCG diet negatively it was not my intention. It is not my true opinion of it. My only issue I have with the diet is my own experience. It can work well for others if they have more discipline.

Again, I want to stress that this diet helped me get started. It was a key turning point in my life. My old health coach was crucial to this turning point. I thank him for all the effort he invested in me. It has certainly not gone to waste.

Not ready to face the facts

Several years ago. At the weight I am now, 30 lbs lighter then my heaviest weight, I went to see a clinician who specialized in weight management and metabolism disorders. At the time I was convinced I had PCOS, (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). And I still am. I've had doctors say yes I have it, and others scoff in my face at the idea. Thats besides the point I'm trying to make. The lady that I saw told me how many calories to eat and how much to exercise, but that was it. She expected me to KNOW how to loose weight just by telling me how many calories to eat. Speaking of calories... I didn't even know how to count calories. And to this day I struggle with making a light healthy meal. I always tend to go for the heavier stuff. It's been ingrained into me for years. It's so difficult to change. So of course I failed at her program. I started to fight her a bit and told her I couldn't do it, that I needed more help. When I called to ask the clinic my starting weight, I got her on the phone accusing me of harassing her workers. I said how could I be harassing them when I simply asked for information in my chart. I was banned from the clinic!!!! Blacklisted because I couldn't follow her ridged program. I couldn't figure this out. I tried... I was just asking for more help. She obviously couldn't give it. But banning me? Was this really called for.? Later that week I received a letter that she had terminated my care at the clinic. Hum.. How interesting, when I had already told her I won't be coming back after she accused me of harassing her desk lady.

The reason I am telling this story is because I think at the time I wasn't ready to face the facts. And the fact was that I was obese. Not just a little, but a LOT. And I needed to do something about it. After that I had packed on another 30- lbs and gave up on dieting. I thought that I just couldn't do it. I thought I could NEVER loose weight  and that I was doomed to gain for the rest of my life. 

It wasn't until a few months ago, when it had sneaked up on me. It hit me like stones to the face. I was ready. I started the HCG diet because I felt I needed supplimental help. I still partly believed that I couldn't do it alone, and I needed assistance from some sort of drug or suppliment. I didn't believe in myself. But then again... why should I? I had failed so often and given up so much. It was built into who I was. Failure was what I became. So when I started the HCG Diet of 500 calories and HCG drops with ever meal I began to watch the weight just fall off. I was starving though. Constantly hungry! I even went to bed hungry and some nights couldn't even sleep over the feeling of my stomach growling. "This wasn't right." I began to think to myself. 

The first round of the HCG diet I lost 25 lbs. Own my own I lost another 5. Then on the second round of the HCG diet and drops I lost another 5. When I started not seeing results because I was eating more I decided to ditch the idea of having to use a supplement. I couldn't stand the hungry pit my stomach had become. I also started to believe in myself. I started to think I COULD do this by myself. I could do it the slow and sure way. I was sure of it. Ending the relationship with the health coach that gave me the HCG diet was difficult. He had gotten me to the point of believing in myself and I was leaving his care. I started to feel like I had out grown him. That I had gotten everything out of it that I could. If I stayed it would only hinder my weight loss. I know it seems weird, but I was ready do it it myself. If I leaned on him for help constantly I would never believe in myself alone. So I had to. So I ended it. I felt like the HCG Diet had unrealistic expectations and that I was setting myself up for failure.

After ending the HCG diet, I gained back 10 lbs. It was a slap int he face But I knew it was going to happen. I was starved and deprived and I ate. So I know that if I ate... I would reap the consequences. But at the time I just didn't care. My body took over most days, eating what it was craving.

Then I realized I had to stop it before it was too late. I picked myself up off the floor and decided to do something about it. I joined the All Amador Marathon League which was run by Alyshia Davies. I spoke to her about HOW to eat healthy. And HOW to count calories. I've been talking to other people about choices on what to eat, and how to eat. I've been picking people's brains. Soaking it all in. I've been exercising even if it is just walking. I've been fighting this fight standing up. Instead of just giving up and letting it win. Granted not every day is as good as I hope it is with the eating, but I know it's a process that I have to go through in order to change my life for good. Sometimes I fall off the band wagon, but it's about getting back up and fighting the good fight. 

I've lost 5 lbs of the weight I gained back after the HCG diet. 
I'm proud of those 5 lbs. I fought for those 5 lbs. I will continue to fight too!

Fight with me. Join me. We can do this together. I believe in myself, and I believe in you.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Getting Motivated and finding a "New Normal."

So after the grueling work out I received last Thursday, it literally took me days for my muscles to recover. I had little to no motivation to go out and even walk. I did manage to paint my bathroom, however barely got through that. It hurt just to lift my arms. Stomach muscles hurt that I hadn't used in ages. So I didn't go out and do anything. I sort of regret not at least going for a walk or something.

So today, with the fog rolled in and blanketed over the town. I got together with a friend and went out on a walk. I knew she would push me to go further then I normally did, also push me to go a little harder then I normally do too. And it worked. I went double my normal route, which also in turn told me I needed to extend my route by doubling it regularly. I could tell my body needed that extra push. I needed to start pushing to my limits. Finding my limits will be the most difficult part of this. For the longest time I've stopped short before I reached my limit..... and now I am trying to push past it. Both my mind and body are working against me. It just isn't "normal" for me. So the whole idea is to find a new normal. What an idea. Finding a new normal for my new healthy self.

So my motivation is back, and now I want to even go out and do another route again later this evening. It's amazing how one work out can change your outlook on things. I love it!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Fun Size? or Bucket Size?

I've been thinking about this for a while now. It was only until recently that I realized my thinking was completely wrong.

With Halloween coming close, and candy coming out of my nose, I see "fun size" on the small packages of candy. I would always think to myself, "Ha! Fun Size, Nahh, fun size is bucket size!". I thought that the marketing for getting less then normal was genius. It made people feel..... "fun". Like they were having a party. Just because "Fun Size" was printed on the package. I felt like I was the only one who realized the lie they were portraying, tricking us into enjoying a smaller portion.

It wasn't until THIS Halloween that I realized it was MY thinking that was wrong. Thinking that I needed a huge portion for it to really be fun. As if barfing sounded like a good time to me? It seriously wasn't until I started out on this healthy journey that I realized what was so fun about the smaller sizes. For one. You can sample at least 3 small packages before you eat the total of one regular size candy bar. Also, You can enjoy a small portion of just one small package, and not have the guilt associated with eating a regular size candy bar. But there is one problem. These small packages can be tricky. If you don't pay attention, you can also eat too many thinking that they are just so small and harmless, that by the time the day is through you've eaten enough to equal 2 regular size or king size bars.

With my stomach smaller, and used to more healthy food, I find that it doesn't take much for me to be satisfied with something that is "not healthy". On a different note, If I eat too much junk, I also get sick. It's sort of a psychical repercussion of making poor choices. My body is working with me now, and lets me know when I've over done it, or when I should stop. I find it amazing how now, I can feel when I start getting full and stop. Instead of this empty bottomless feeling. It's amazing how our bodies adapt. Thank God for healthy eating, and healthy bodies.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Crab crawls and Planks = Pain

Ugghhh. I am wiped out. Today I feel muscles that I haven't felt in a long time. I have a constant sensation of shakiness as if my blood sugar is down, so I've been eating several small meals. My body is not used to this kind of work out. And I thought my walks were a decent work out. I was sadly mistaken. It's one of those hurts that you know is for the greater good.

Of all days, I choose today to paint. Which is probably a good thing because it's making me get up and move around. So the bathroom has a new coat of paint, and I lost 3 lbs overnight . LOL Productivity is AWESOME!.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Comparisons can be dangerous!

Tonight I went and worked out with the All Amador Marathone League. First we did a mile run. Ok, the mile has NEVER been my strong point. So why I want to run marathons are beyond me! Perhaps I have lost my mind? That would be more realistic! I barely made it through the mile and was last in line. My calves were wrenched in knots and felt as if the muscles were tearing. Nice huh? Well as I was at the end of the line, coming in at last place I started to compare myself to the other runners and people participating in the group tonight. I started to think that perhaps I wasn't cut out for this group. Perhaps this was just too much? Should I go back to my walking until I got more strength? I started to think about how these people were so much further then I was and let me tell you, those are some dangerous thoughts. I mean if everyone did that we would all just quit on the spot. My mind was not in the right place during that mile. Again, the mile was never my strong point. HOWEVER, I am going to make that change. The mile WILL be my strongest point yet.

As I was lagging back at the end of the line I realized that I was there. That was my accomplishment. I was there and I was doing my best to change my life. That is my accomplishment for the day. I'm changing my life now! As we speak I am changing my life. So what if I come in last. So what if people have to wait for me to finish the mile. I WILL FINISH THAT MILE! The fact that I was even there, was awesome!

This reminded me of an specific event in my high school track and field career. I was running the 300hurdles. It was about 1/4 mile I think. Not sure on that. I could be completely off. However, I was at the top of my game. This should have been MY RACE. I should have come in top 3. Although God did not have that planed for me. I ate it hard on the first hurdle. Coming right out of the gate I tripped and ate it into the gravel track. I can't tell you how badly this hurt my entire innner soul and ego. It hurt bad. The bloody scrapes not so much. I couldn't even feel those. So people started to run to my side to check on me. When I realized what had happened, I got up, pushed through the people that came to my aid, and started to jog along. I could barely get over the hurdles, but I did it. I didn't stop, nothing could have stopped me. I pulled very ounce of strength out of my body to finish that race. As I heard clapping from the stadiums, I looked forward to see who had won, it was then that I realized they weren't clapping for the winner, they were clapping for me! I kept going.... pulling from the inner most core of my soul and finished that race. I received a standing ovation that day. I got more clapping then the winner did.

It was that day, and last night that it wasn't about who won, but it was about finishing the race you started out on. So I finished tonights mile. I will also finish many more. This life is a journey and I plan to finish every race I set out on.

Goals need to be set

I decided before I embark on this journey, I needed goals. So once they were reached I could celebrate them. I decided that I needed to celebrate my accomplishments instead of just covering them up and ignoring them. And not celebrating with food. So that will be my challenge all in itself. I need ideas on how to celebrate with out using food. Ideas anyone? Open for suggestion here.


1.) Run to feed the hungry 2010 5K - On Thanksgiving morning
2.) Comfortably finish a 5K with out dieing and able to do it weekly.
3.) Reach 140lbs goal weight.
         * Milestone for that is below 200lbs - Mini celebration will be at this marker
4.) And finally finish a 10K race, partly running, partly walking.

As I was making this list of goals for myself, I found it slightly odd how my TOP and final goal was a 10K race. Not loosing the 120 lbs I set out to loose, but honestly my heart just wants to be able to DO THINGS. I want be able to move.... run... play.... and tie my shoes with out holding my breath. I find that these are the more important goals. And in order to be able to do them... the weight has to come off. It's like a side effect of living a mobile active life. I just want to be in shape and accomplish things with a fit body.

So there they are. When one goal is accomplished, I will revisit them and make new goals. I always want to have goals in place so I don't forget what I set out to do.

Project Melanie

So you see, I have this other blog that was a project of mine, however, turns out I can only write so much about horses because I don't own one. I ran out of ideas, and so it would be another few weeks until I could think of a topic to write about. So I thought about what I could write about that I am passionate about and dealing with right now, and what would be a topic I would be dealing with for a very long time. My weight, my health, my struggles and achievements are what came to mind. I didn't want this blog to be so nitchy that I would run out of ideas. I didn't want it to be about weightloss alone or even emotional side of life. I wanted it to encompass everything. I found that people like to share your ups and downs with you. They like to watch you change and grow... and thats what this blog will be about... growing.

So over the last year I've grown a lot. I've also learned a lot. For example their are things about myself that:
A.) I love
B.) I hate

I decided to stop wallowing in the things I hated, and start using the things I loved. I also decided to change the things I hated into positive things that I could build on.

I also realized that this eating business of mine was just going to have to change if I wanted to live the life I wanted. I realized that just as I had an unhealthy relationship with cigarettes (quit years ago), that I also had an unhealthy relationship with food. Yes, I am a self proclaimed food lover. I love food. I love to cook it, and I love to eat it. But I realize that what I have with food and me... is just an abusive relationship. And I want out! I want a new relationship that is healthy for me, full of good feelings and accomplishments. I can't do that when I am morbidly obese. So on to my quest of loosing it!

When I first set out to "loose it". I thought it would all be downhill once I made the choice to start. But to no avail it is an up and down battle. And I make it that way. It  is my own mind that keeps making road blocks and detours. Because that is all I've ever known. Failure. Failure to thrive. And so since that is all I've ever known, I keep trying to create failed results. I keep trying to sabotage myself. I am constantly on the defense with myself trying to avoid failure. It's an exhausting process. So until I give up and move aside for myself and let myself thrive this is what my battle is about.

My current struggle is that my body is just not up to par. I want to run. My mind wants to go fast and enjoy the movement, but my knees and shins are just there yet. Especially my knee. So instead of giving up I decided to make a game plan. Alyisha Davies helped me with this. So the tedious task of strength training seems daunting and impossibly long. I want change TOMORROW. But it will take time. I am impatient like a child would be. Instead of giving in to my impatients the project starts NOW! Instead of waiting until tomorrow to start..... I started Yesterday. It all begins here and now. I have a dead line to meet. I need to be able to do what I set out to accomplish.
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