There was a challenge yesterday, and I was simply too exhausted to do it. But this morning I felt I could give it a shot. So I drove to the hill. Got out of my car, stretched and warmed up. As I was warming up I was thinking to myself, "What the hell am I doing here?" I mean seriously my legs still haven't recovered from last Tuesday. Well I thought I would try anyways. I walked around the neighborhood for a while to warm up. Then I hit the hill.
I started of slow and sure. Taking my time. I got to the first corner, and I may as well have been running straight up the stairs. Perhaps I should have taken the outside of the corner and not the inside steepest part. My lungs began to burn, and again, the pain in my legs went away. What is that lack of oxygen? I hit the first cross road and kept on going. I started to get light headed and couldn't see straight. My legs continued to take me higher. When I hit Mountain View cross road I quit. It was that or pass out. I couldn't take it.
I was defeated.
It was then when I caught my breath that I realized my legs were shaking underneath me. It felt like an earthquake. My knees quivered and wanted to crumble under my weight.
And now I had to walk down the hill I had just run up. Great!
I walked down slowly, legs shaking and all. Thank God I remembered my knee brace. Down hills are difficult on my knees the one feels as if it wants to buckle under me on good days.
When I got back to my car I sat there for a moment. Gathering myself until I could see straight again.
I stopped at Safeway on my way home to grab some bananas and cottage cheese. I could barely walk into the store. How was I ever going to do training tonight with the All Amador Marathon League? I had to face it, I certainly wasn't going to run tonight. But maybe I could go just to walk.
I don't like how defeats feels. It feels permanent and daunting. It feels dark and dreary. It feels like failure. I'm done failing. This will be one of my goal hills. Literally. I will climb this hill one day!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
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I didn't read anything in this blog that spelled "defeat". You did the best you could! You got out and gave it a try and now you have a starting point. You know where you stand with that particular challange today and someday you'll be able to look back on today and remember when you couldn't do it as well as you wanted to! Great job, Melanie!!
ReplyDeleteOh, you will make it! You know there are quite litterally books on running after defeats, things that we tell ourselves about running, and finally hitting the top of that hill!
ReplyDeleteYou will make it!
Kat and I are hitting it tomorrow at noon if you are ready for the next go?
@ Julie, You've made a great point. And since Quitting isn't an option for me I know where I stand with this challenge. It's just a matter of time when I hit the top.
ReplyDelete@Mike I am not sure I'm ready to try again yet. My knees are very weak now. I think I need a bit of rest. Perhaps another time. I'll take you up on your offer later.