Not ready to face the facts

Several years ago. At the weight I am now, 30 lbs lighter then my heaviest weight, I went to see a clinician who specialized in weight management and metabolism disorders. At the time I was convinced I had PCOS, (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). And I still am. I've had doctors say yes I have it, and others scoff in my face at the idea. Thats besides the point I'm trying to make. The lady that I saw told me how many calories to eat and how much to exercise, but that was it. She expected me to KNOW how to loose weight just by telling me how many calories to eat. Speaking of calories... I didn't even know how to count calories. And to this day I struggle with making a light healthy meal. I always tend to go for the heavier stuff. It's been ingrained into me for years. It's so difficult to change. So of course I failed at her program. I started to fight her a bit and told her I couldn't do it, that I needed more help. When I called to ask the clinic my starting weight, I got her on the phone accusing me of harassing her workers. I said how could I be harassing them when I simply asked for information in my chart. I was banned from the clinic!!!! Blacklisted because I couldn't follow her ridged program. I couldn't figure this out. I tried... I was just asking for more help. She obviously couldn't give it. But banning me? Was this really called for.? Later that week I received a letter that she had terminated my care at the clinic. Hum.. How interesting, when I had already told her I won't be coming back after she accused me of harassing her desk lady.

The reason I am telling this story is because I think at the time I wasn't ready to face the facts. And the fact was that I was obese. Not just a little, but a LOT. And I needed to do something about it. After that I had packed on another 30- lbs and gave up on dieting. I thought that I just couldn't do it. I thought I could NEVER loose weight  and that I was doomed to gain for the rest of my life. 

It wasn't until a few months ago, when it had sneaked up on me. It hit me like stones to the face. I was ready. I started the HCG diet because I felt I needed supplimental help. I still partly believed that I couldn't do it alone, and I needed assistance from some sort of drug or suppliment. I didn't believe in myself. But then again... why should I? I had failed so often and given up so much. It was built into who I was. Failure was what I became. So when I started the HCG Diet of 500 calories and HCG drops with ever meal I began to watch the weight just fall off. I was starving though. Constantly hungry! I even went to bed hungry and some nights couldn't even sleep over the feeling of my stomach growling. "This wasn't right." I began to think to myself. 

The first round of the HCG diet I lost 25 lbs. Own my own I lost another 5. Then on the second round of the HCG diet and drops I lost another 5. When I started not seeing results because I was eating more I decided to ditch the idea of having to use a supplement. I couldn't stand the hungry pit my stomach had become. I also started to believe in myself. I started to think I COULD do this by myself. I could do it the slow and sure way. I was sure of it. Ending the relationship with the health coach that gave me the HCG diet was difficult. He had gotten me to the point of believing in myself and I was leaving his care. I started to feel like I had out grown him. That I had gotten everything out of it that I could. If I stayed it would only hinder my weight loss. I know it seems weird, but I was ready do it it myself. If I leaned on him for help constantly I would never believe in myself alone. So I had to. So I ended it. I felt like the HCG Diet had unrealistic expectations and that I was setting myself up for failure.

After ending the HCG diet, I gained back 10 lbs. It was a slap int he face But I knew it was going to happen. I was starved and deprived and I ate. So I know that if I ate... I would reap the consequences. But at the time I just didn't care. My body took over most days, eating what it was craving.

Then I realized I had to stop it before it was too late. I picked myself up off the floor and decided to do something about it. I joined the All Amador Marathon League which was run by Alyshia Davies. I spoke to her about HOW to eat healthy. And HOW to count calories. I've been talking to other people about choices on what to eat, and how to eat. I've been picking people's brains. Soaking it all in. I've been exercising even if it is just walking. I've been fighting this fight standing up. Instead of just giving up and letting it win. Granted not every day is as good as I hope it is with the eating, but I know it's a process that I have to go through in order to change my life for good. Sometimes I fall off the band wagon, but it's about getting back up and fighting the good fight. 

I've lost 5 lbs of the weight I gained back after the HCG diet. 

I'm proud of those 5 lbs. I fought for those 5 lbs. I will continue to fight too!

Fight with me. Join me. We can do this together. I believe in myself, and I believe in you.