Prepared to fail???

This topic has been on my mind the last week. I've noticed that I keep ending up in the back. Yes, my body isn't as strong as the others in the group. But I find that when newcomers join I even allow myself to be behind them when I know I am more prepared physically then they are. I kept asking myself why am I always in the back. I dug deep into my heart because I knew it wasn't my body failing me. It was my mind.

This week I pushed myself hard! I did things I didn't think I could do and I made major improvements in my timed laps and mile. It blew me away how much more I could do in such a short period of time. So knowing that I could go harder, go longer, and dig deeper, I asked myself why I remained in the back.

It was simple when it came to me. I was prepared to fail. Prepared to be the slowest, fattest, and fail. I had failed for so long, and been in the back for so long I forgot what it tastes like to be first. To be a winner. I forgot how it feels. Let me tell you that settling to be last is not a good feeling. You stop trying. You give up and accept defeat. I am determined to not allow myself to be the last forever. Even if it takes me a whole year. I will not always be last in line.

Failure. Hum, this is a touchy subject for me. I've been at the place where it was home. I know what it feels like to think you can't do any better. I stopped caring what others thought about me because I was failing. I would say well, thats me, thats the best I can do. Now knowing I can do better, I question what will I do with new found desire and drive to win? Well WIN of course!

What I find even more hard to accept and face is that people around me started doubting in my abilities. They started to believe that WAS the best I could do. They stopped believing that I could do things and accomplish things. They enabled me to fail and accept it. Even though they wanted the best for me, they allowed me to keep failing. I know that it was ultimately my fault. Putting blame on anyone at this point doesn't do anyone justice. It's done and over with now. So lets move on and forward and forget who did what and who DIDN'T do what.

I am so sick of feeling worthless, and not worth while. I am so tired of thinking and people thinking I couldn't do something and succeed.

How does one get to a point where they are prepared to fail at no matter what they do? I can tell you how I did it. I stopped trying. Simple as that. I gave up before I even started. Whether is was a New Years Resolution, a new job, a new friendship, a new hobby. I just gave up. I knew I would fail. Before I even started I thought this was going to end badly. And so it did. I brought it to that conclusion. I did it. I allowed it and willed it to happen that way. And so it did.

I can tell you that this causes me a great deal of pain and emotional discomfort. Perhaps I fed my hurt emotions with food all these years. Smoking also aided to the demise of my self esteem. Eating became something that felt good. Eating became something that I could always turn to. Smoking too. I celebrated with a cigarette, and I celebrated with food. If I felt awful that day, or I had failed at something I turned to food. I turned to smoking. Now that I have quit smoking, that only left food for me to turn to. It wrenches my heart in 10 different ways knowing exactly how I got here. It tears me up that I let me get here. I can blame no one but myself, except for the fact that my loved ones enabled me. But like I said before, blame does no one any good at this point.

Those of you that love me, you will start seeing more out of me. More successes, and accomplishments. I'm sick of this failure business. I'm ready to win! It's taken me years to get to this point, so I need to realize that it's going to take a while to dig myself out.

If I could only go back and tell myself to not accept defeat and failure, that I could do better. I think I would have listened to my future self. If only time travel was real right?

This blog post is Dedicated to Alyshia Davies. Thank you for everything you have taught me so far, I can't wait to learn more about myself.