I'm changing...

....into what. I'm not sure. But I can feel it. My perspective on myself is shifting. I am beginning to see the whole picture of how I got to be 100 lbs overweight. It's not a pretty picture, but it's simple. It's about hundreds of small little choices that lead in one direction. Obesity! Even though I can only blame myself for all those choices I don't see the point as to how that would help me now. Blaming myself for all those years would only cause me harm at this point.

Today is about change and making better choices. That lead in a more positive direction. Though they may take more time, and deliberate movements. I need to do them.

One thing that rings true to me today is that my body is a temple. God gave me this temple. All these years I've been treating it poorly and carelessly. God wants me to treat it like the most lovely thing on this Earth. As a form of worship, He wants me to take care of myself. He wants me to eat healthy, so I can be healthy for my family and stick around longer. He wants me to enjoy my life. Enjoying my life at 241 lbs is limited. Of course I am present, but am I participating in life? At 241 lbs can I even really fully participate? Most of my mid 20's I avoided the camera due to my ballooning weight. I'm sick of staying out of photo's. Where was I all those years? Not in the photos. I can tell you that much.

Today, I knew the thunderstorms were going to be rolling in. So instead of pushing my running to this afternoon and ending up canceling it, I choose to do it this morning before the storm reached home. Before, My Old Self Would have just called it a wash, and said, "Oh well, maybe tomorrow."

Yesterday I consumed 2000 calories. You say WOW, thats a lot. Yes, yes infact it is a lot of calories. Let me tell you how I did it. I ate 2 donuts. Something I would have easily done with out thinking about the consequences. However, yesterday was different, I was counting calories. Before lunch even hit, I realized my calorie intake was doomed. For lunch I ate a small bowl of lentils, with a few cubes of ham. Yes, though the lentils are healthy, they were full of calories. On a good day this would not have caused a calorie intake problem. But on today, it did because of the donuts. I was starved for dinner. I forgot what I ate for dinner. But it was all over by then anyways. It really amazed me that those are literally EMPTY CALORIES. I was still hungry, they did not make me feel full at all. I was hungry later and suffered because of those donuts even after going over my calorie budget.

That to me is not enjoying life. I wish I didn't have those donuts, because now they will affect my weight loss at the end of the week. But it happened, and now I have to deal with it the best I can. Working out and taking advantage of this cool weather and enjoy some running.

Part of me feels so silly. How could I have not known how 2 donuts would affect me. It seems so simple now. If only I would have learned this lesson when I was 22. I could have saved 80 lbs.