Now more then ever

(Grandpa Bobby and Georgia) 7/7/07

So some sad news to write about today. My Grandpa Bobbie passed away this morning. It's a bit of a shocker, he was doing so well up until recently. He went down hill so quickly. It just reminds me how quickly life can change. I started to think about the time I should have spent with him, that I should have visited more often. I realize that this thinking doesn't do anyone any good. But it's a fact, I was thinking it.

I haven't really had a chance to say good bye, or grieve. I actually feel numb if that makes sense. I am wondering why I don't feel anything, I feel nothing... I feel like it's wrong to feel nothing. I should feel something. It feels so awkward... so weird. He was doing well, and now he's gone. I don't know, I think it's just shock, and worry for my mom and how she is handling it. I do have to be strong for her. She needs me. I know this because I needed her when my Dad passed away. My mom is my very best friend. She will need me to be strong for her.

I also realized today that I need to take care of myself NOW more then ever. It is even MORE important to take care of myself now, because I need myself. I need me to be my friend. I need to make sure I am getting proper amount of exercise, and eating right. I need to take care of myself so I can fair well during this loss. 

Even if I don't feel much right now.... I know I will later. It will most likely be a delayed reaction for me. As it usually is. But then again, I am at peace with my Grandpa, and there were no loose ends to tie up. So maybe, I won't be distraught over his loss, but feel sad for my loss, and be able to think about him with positive feelings instead of sad mournful ones. That would honestly be best for me. To be able to remember him with good feelings. So maybe .... just maybe I have reached a point in my life where I can do that now?

There is nothing I can do for my family now. The sisters ( My Aunts) are all taking care of everything. I don't want to keep calling as I would get in the way. So I am just trying to maintain my normal life, and keep things going. 

I didn't want to go to run group tonight, with my knee still in bad shape, and now with the loss of my Grandpa, but I decided I needed to make time for myself anyways. Make sure I do things for myself.

So... thats what I am focusing on today. Because I'm important too.