Surrounding yourself with Support

Last night I had pre-event jitters, and woke up around 11pm and couldn't get back to sleep. I was frusterated because I had to be up at 5:30am to put the roast in the crock pot. Then I had to be rested for the company I was going to have that morning. I lay there awake, staring at the wall. For some reason, my mind went to my Dad. With everything going on with my Grandpa, I began to think of the loss I've had with my Dad, and his entire side of the family. If you haven't realized yet through my blog, it was a huge loss for me. I am hugely family oriented, and to loose the relationship with the entire side of my Dad's family was heartbreaking. It was also all over a misunderstanding. That hurts even more.

So the events that lead up to me ending relationships with them rolled through my brain. Tears formed in my eyes, and fell down my cheek. Great.... I wasn't going to get back to sleep. I went through and tried to figure out what I could have done differently, then it hit me. I COULDN'T have changed the outcome. I couldn't change their minds no matter how hard I tried. I even though about looking up my cousin who I had a somewhat good relationship with, but I figured it would just look ...... weird?, or Desprite?. I don't know, but it didn't seem right. If I knew that me backing down and forgiving and forgetting about everything would change their minds about me and how they treat me then I would do it in a heart beat. Problem is, I know they would treat me the same. Like a red headed step child. So in bed around midnight I realized that this wasn't my problem. I couldn't change things. They simply were not supportive, and did not love me. Fact was cold and hard. They didn't care about me. I know that seems blunt and somewhat so awful, but it's the truth. Had they cared about me they would have come to me with any problems or questions. 

I've been rolling this around the last few weeks. I've been doing my absolute best to surround myself with people who loved me and wanted to see me succeed. I've cut people off that were hoping for me to fail. I've ended relationships that were not healthy. Let me tell you it's not been easy. It's torn me up inside because I still care about everyone that I've removed from my life. Including  my Dad's side of the family. I still love then with all my heart. And I forgive them. However I can not forget that they don't care enough about me to include me in their lives. So there for, I've removed them from my life. 

It doesn't mean I don't think about these people I've removed. I do. It's sort of a burden I have to bear. I have to continue my life loving them, knowing that I can't be in their lives because it's not healthy for me. If I want to see me and my best. They can't be there by my side.

It breaks my heart. But I am doing this for myself. I've given enough of myself to other people disregarding my own needs for so long that I've gotten myself to this point. Now I am getting myself out. I'm sorry if you're one of those people. I still love you and care. But this is how it has to be.

I wish it could be different. But it can't.

So this is where I learned boundaries.  I've heard people talk about boundaries before and I never knew how to set them.  Until now.

I do want to thank those of you who are in my life now, and supporting me. I appreciate it. You mean the world to me and my life wouldn't be the same with out you in it, and with out your love and support. I have successfully surrounded myself with love and support. Thank you all.

Needless to say, I got back to sleep last night shortly after I realized I was doing what was best for me. Shed some tears but I still stand by my choice. I'm doing the right thing regardless if it hurts.