I've reached my first Goal!

Melanie @ Run to Feed the Hungry 2010

              
I am sooo happy to say that I've done my first 5K. I did it in 55 mins (roughly), and it was slow going as there was 30,000 people there. I did have to dodge through hundreds of people just trying to clear a path for walking, or running. It was a lot of waiting around, and a tons of people. But all in all I believe I did a good job. I could have gone faster if there weren't so many people, and I wouldn't recommend it for someone who was trying to set and beat a great time. But if someone wants to start their journey with 5K's, start here!

It was an amazing feeling, that I didn't get to share with anyone at the time I crossed the finish line. I had to silently share it with those who supported me through this journey, and know that they were there with me in spirit. My husband took me there, but was unable to see me finish the line, as we had to set up a "meeting up" place after the race. Not to mention I doubt anyone would have been able to pick me out of the sea of people.  It was sort bitter sweet, because I wanted people to see me finish, and jump up and down and hug in excitement. Instead I held back the tears of joy secretively as I and many other people around me crossed the finish line. It meant so much to be to be able to complete this goal.

I feel so accomplished. My knee is doing GREAT! I was so pleased with how my knee held up, and I was so worried I wouldn't even be able to finish the 3 miles. After I crossed the finish line I took a wrong turn, missed out on free bananas, and water, and had to walk an extra mile to get to Tyson. So all in all after getting lost and taking the wrong turn, I walked 4 miles. And to think that I doubted I could even do 3!!!!

This really shows me that I can do anything I set my mind to. This shows me that I need to be confident in myself and trust that I CAN do these things. Months ago I set this goal, and it was so far away. This last week I was forcing myself to not think about it because if I did I would go into a state of worry and fretting over nothing. And I knew it was silly things going through my mind. So I didn't even think about it. I did my BEST not to think about it. But, when I was standing in line, alone, after Tyson and I separated waiting for the start signal, I realized that this was it! It was do or die now. It was so cold, that the first mile I did I couldn't' even feel my feet they were so numb. So I walked the first mile to warm up my muscles and feet. The second mile there was a woman who was laying on the ground. I am guessing she was having trouble breathing.?? I thought to myself that would have been me before June of this year. And now I am running past her. Don't get me wrong, I feel awful for the people who had trouble at the race, but it makes me feel good that I've made these changes in my life. And I could have so easily been in their shoes.

As more and more people started to walk at the second mile. I had just started to pick up my pace. When doing athletics, I have always been slow out of the gate, but I would always pick up the pace towards the middle and end. Thats where I made up my time. I did quite a bit of running in the second mile, and I wondered if my knee could keep up, and I forced that out of my mind and focused on what I was doing in order not to trip and eat it face first in the cement. Last thing I wanted to was get hurt here.

Toward the end of the second mile I started to feel tired. Then the third mile started and I wanted to run to finish, but everyone around me started to bottle neck and walk. I was frustrated as I wanted to push myself... like I always do at the end. That last push does everything for me. But I was also thankful, as I could walk and catch my breath.

When I finally reached our meet up spot and saw Tyson, I was so glad! Finally someone to share my joy with and accomplishment with.

I have decided that I want to keep it up with the races. Although I would like to do some smaller ones that will allow me to push myself more, and work on speed instead of being stuck in a crowd of people. So I think I'll stick to local races for a while, and work on my distance and speed. I just want to build strength so I could do a 6 miler. I realized that since I did 4 miles at the Run to Feed the Hungry, that I could probably do a 10K by this time next year, or even by this summer. Maybe walking part ways, and running part ways, but I will be able to finish.

I just want to thank you all for supporting me. Some of you donated money on my behalf to support my Cause with Run to Feed the Hungry. All in all we brought in $75. I am so thankful that I am able to give back as I know the people who need this are grateful to have the help.

Again, Thank you. I appreciate all of you.

Melanie( to right) meeting Tyson after the race.

Now more then ever

(Grandpa Bobby and Georgia) 7/7/07

So some sad news to write about today. My Grandpa Bobbie passed away this morning. It's a bit of a shocker, he was doing so well up until recently. He went down hill so quickly. It just reminds me how quickly life can change. I started to think about the time I should have spent with him, that I should have visited more often. I realize that this thinking doesn't do anyone any good. But it's a fact, I was thinking it.

I haven't really had a chance to say good bye, or grieve. I actually feel numb if that makes sense. I am wondering why I don't feel anything, I feel nothing... I feel like it's wrong to feel nothing. I should feel something. It feels so awkward... so weird. He was doing well, and now he's gone. I don't know, I think it's just shock, and worry for my mom and how she is handling it. I do have to be strong for her. She needs me. I know this because I needed her when my Dad passed away. My mom is my very best friend. She will need me to be strong for her.

I also realized today that I need to take care of myself NOW more then ever. It is even MORE important to take care of myself now, because I need myself. I need me to be my friend. I need to make sure I am getting proper amount of exercise, and eating right. I need to take care of myself so I can fair well during this loss. 

Even if I don't feel much right now.... I know I will later. It will most likely be a delayed reaction for me. As it usually is. But then again, I am at peace with my Grandpa, and there were no loose ends to tie up. So maybe, I won't be distraught over his loss, but feel sad for my loss, and be able to think about him with positive feelings instead of sad mournful ones. That would honestly be best for me. To be able to remember him with good feelings. So maybe .... just maybe I have reached a point in my life where I can do that now?

There is nothing I can do for my family now. The sisters ( My Aunts) are all taking care of everything. I don't want to keep calling as I would get in the way. So I am just trying to maintain my normal life, and keep things going. 

I didn't want to go to run group tonight, with my knee still in bad shape, and now with the loss of my Grandpa, but I decided I needed to make time for myself anyways. Make sure I do things for myself.

So... thats what I am focusing on today. Because I'm important too.

Out the window

So all of my last blog posting with positive influences and pep talk for myself went out the window!!!! I was going to register for a short 1 mile race locally here in the county and then it hit me. My run to feed the hungry 5k is a week and a half away. Oh my gosh RIGHT?! Not only is it a week and a half way, but my knee has been aching and flared up for the past week. So the short 1 miler is out. Not because of it's length, but because I know I would try to run, and I know that would not be smart.

First things first. I called my mom! I always call her in times of panic. She and I talked it over, and in all her wiseness, she told me that even if I can't finish, it's about being there that counts. Participation is what matters. And then another friend of mine told me the same thing, and another friend reiterated the same thing

So damage control ... done Thanks to everyone who loves me. I'm just worried. Not panicked. The whole problem here is that I haven't even done 3 miles on a GOOD day. I've done 2.6, and 2.8. But never 3 miles or 5k. So you can see how this would freak me out just a little bit? *deep breath*... but thats OK. I can still walk.

 I CAN DO IT!

"I don't believe in working out"

...was my theory or catch phrase in college. I found it to be "not fun" and "silly.".  A lot of good that did me! I gained 30 lbs my first year at college.

There are the shoulda woulda couldas. I try not to focus on them, but they do come into my mind now and again. Like, I wish I did work out, and I wish I did try to eat better and MAINTAIN a healthy lifestyle that I once knew. I just simply think it would have been easier to take care of myself, then to try and LOOSE everything that I packed on. It seems to me that the effort to remove the fat on my body would take more effort, blood, sweat and tears then had I just done it right to begin with.

The fact of the matter is that I didn't. So where does that leave me now?. I am 95lbs overweight, and working on it. Thats where!

I realized in the last couple days that even if I don't loose weight today, or even this week, that I am changing my life. I am working out, and my eating habits are changing. So if I can just create a deficit of calories going in, then even at the end of the year, if I've lost 10 lbs I would be happier then if I gained 10 lbs. Even if it takes a year, I would still be happier then had I gained and not made the changes.

So for example. Instead of mashed potatoes, something I would not blink an eye at making in the past, I substituted it with mashed cauliflower. The caloric difference is BIG. You can GUILT FREE eat 1 cup of the cauliflower mash. Changes such as these are going to make the difference at the end of the year.

I also want to point out that even if you have a weak moment and have a mini food melt down. It's not the end of the world or diet. Just get up, brush yourself off and keep going. Something that I did and still struggle with is once you cheat, you've ruined your whole day, so go ahead.... eat up. But now I realize that thinking is harmful. Not only to my self esteem, but to my diet. I need to be OK with having ONE COOKIE. And leave it at that. I need to be OK with eating something I shouldn't, and not think that the whole day is wasted because of my poor choice, and may as well eat everything else in sight. That is a good way to make one simple little cookie turn into 5 lbs. Also, it will send you for a head trip that does nothing but cause you hurt.

This journey is such a learning process. I've learned so much about myself, and other people. I think that I've allowed myself to be my own worst enemy here, and I need to change that and make myself my very best friend. I need to treat myself like I would treat my very best friend. With love and respect and forgiveness. I treat other people that way, and it is the very least I can do for myself. 

This next week, I am going to focus on what I CAN do instead of what I can't. I spent too much time dwelling in the "I can'ts." It wasn't productive. 

I can work harder on my diet.

I can change my life.

I can be a better friend to myself.

I can change my ways of thinking

I can create a deficit in my diet.

I can forgive myself for not being perfect or making a mistake.

What are your "I can's" for this week? Share them with me. Just make a comment bellow on my blog in the space provided.

What I wanna be when I grow up.

Strong and Triumphant. Thats just a snipit of what I want to be when I grow up. As I sat down to write this blog I began to think how I am not those words above, and that I am reaching nearly 30 years old. I thought about this for a min and I realized that I'm not grown up yet. I still have some time to reach Strong and Triumphant.

Today I don't feel like I am who I wanna be. I have been going over the past couple days in my mind, and I realize there is much room for improvement. Things I could do better, things I could adjust and change. I realize this is not conducive to being positive towards myself. However I really need to take a hard look at myself and see where I need to make changes. My diet is not where it needs to be. I feel like I've given up on putting effort in. But there is part of me who really wants to try harder. So I am going to not give up. This is the problem. I was never taught how to .... Count Calories. And my struggle is that I must learn this if I am going to live the life I want. People try to tell yo how to do it, as if it is taught by speaking and osmosis. But it's harder then it looks. When I make a dinner.... how the hell do you figure out the calories in a portion.??? I mean seriously?. Do you just add the calories in all the items that it took to make that dinner? Seriously.. this is going to take forever, it will consume my day. I really wish that counting calories did not consume my day. But this is a cold hard lesson I HAVE TO LEARN if I am going to change my life.So buck up chuck and learn it already so we can get on our way. People who see me struggling have tried to help.. and they have given me useful tips no how they do it, now it is just a matter of me doing it and trying it. I can tell you that I am afraid to start, in fear of failure. I can tell you that fear of failure is a major thing that stops me and causes me problems in most things I do.


On to my next problem of the week. My knee. I don't know what it is exactly. It could be my hamstring, or my knee. What ever it is, it's holding me back from performing my best at run group and at home. I've tried RICE, Rest, Ice, Compression, Oh ... and I almost forgot Elevation. I didn't do elevation because I couldn't remember what E stood for. Anyways,  I've done RIC. It's getting worse as the days go on. I'm finding it uncomfortable in stepping up on steps or down on steps. I can walk straight on a flat surface and find little to no discomfort, but downhill and uphill. cause me a lot of discomfort. Not pain, but discomfort

Let me just say this... I AM FRUSTRATED!!!

This whole week I have been thinking if I was the person I wanted to be in life. And the answer is still No. Some people might think that I am too hard on myself. That I should be easier on myself, but I want to be the best that I can be. I know that I can still be better.  I am not at my best this week. There has been a lot that happened emotionally that is taking a toll on me, and again, my knee is taking a toll on my abilities.

I think this is a good marker. For my new life. this is a stepping stone. I am pausing here to take inventory of my life and I realize I'm still coming up short. It's not a bad thing, it is just a gauge for where I stand. I just need to order in a few more products and cut my losses on others.

I'm putting in my order today.

Motivation to count my calories
and
Patience to heal my knee that is bothering me.
and also
Cutting my losses on the complaints I've had for the last week. I've been quite the complainer.

So I urge you. If it's time to take Inventory on your life, do so. See where you stand. Stop holding onto what if's and coulda woulda shoulda's. Cut your losses on those and move forward. Place your order for next week and do your best to deliver.

Diet and Groceries

It's clear to me that my diet and grocery shopping needs some work. It is just my husband and I and we're spending simply too much on food. Granted I know groceries are expensive and the cost of them are rising, I have spoken to several people and feel like we can cut down the price about $150. Which would about equal up to the short small trips to the local store. Instead I would like to plan out my meals so I don't forget anything and so that I know what I am to be cooking every night, or at least... Think I know what I should be cooking anyways.

I wanted to share with you this link that I found. It has Excel templates that allow you to make your own meal planner and it also can create a grocery list off of that. How cool is that? It does it automatically.

The link is:

http://www.vertex42.com/ExcelTemplates/meal-planner.html

For today's grocery shopping I won't be able to test this out as I have run out of ink for my printer. Yay! But I did want to take the time so share it all with you. I hope you find it helpful.

Today's gonna me a good day

I'm going to my sister's house and watching her children for part of the day. I think it's going to be a good day. I'll get to visit with them.

After I digested everything that has happened in the last few days. I realize I'm OK with it all. Everyone is OK for now. It was just so much so fast. I think I got a bit over loaded.

On a more sad note, I think I pulled my hamstring or did something funky to it. It doesn't seem to be extending or retracting right. So I am going to be taking it easy for a few days. Also applying RICE, Rest, Ice, Compression, and I forgot what the E stands for. LOL. Thankfully it only seems to be uncomfortable when I am running. Not walking.

Utter Chaos

This is why I don't like Holidays. Nothing happens all year, everyone is fine and happy, then as the holidays roll around people start having problems. Not only is my Grandpa getting a pacemaker in today, but my sister's step dad had a major heart attack last night. Even though I am not that close with him, I still feel for my sister. I hate seeing people who I love hurting or worrying. Especially when the worry has to do with people THEY love.

I feel a little disoriented. I feel like things are a bit upside down. Even though my life hasn't changed much, I feel like I'm being pulled in many directions. Too many people I love are in need and I want to help. I still have my weekly and daily commitments to address too.

So this is a short post for today. I have to go running in about an hour. It will certainly feel good.

Meanwhile prayers and blessings are needed.

Reconnecting

There is nothing sweeter then a reconnection. Either of two friends that lost contact, or family members that have grown apart. 

My cousin finally responded. After me not being able to sleep half the night over worrying about rejection. He did just the opposite. He was open, honest and kind. He held no judgement against me. We shared somethings we knew about the family. It only told me what I already knew.- That I didn't do anything wrong to deserve what was dealt to me.

For me this reconnection with my cousin was more then just a reconnection. It was affirmation that it wasn't my fault. The family turned on me. Simple as that, death changed them. It also changed me, but for the better in some ways. In other's it created holes of loss. But for me, it taught me how to love regardless of being loved back. Also, loving from a distance. Thats difficult. Just ask me.

It reminds me of what my Dad's legacy taught me. The fact that he taught me how to love him, even if he couldn't be the Dad I always wished for. He loved me also in return, but didn't know how to show it. He simply didn't know how to be a dad. Our relationship taught me so much about love I could not begin to go into the depths of it. I can say that it was not a typical love that taught me this. But it was given to me non the less.

I'm so pleased with this outcome. I'm happy that I feel like I have a sort of connection to that side of the family. An Allie if you will. So perhaps someone in the world will remember that John had a daughter, and that daughter was me. Just one person is good enough for me.

Beautiful outcome to this day. Thank you for sharing this with me. I've waited almost 2 years for this.

It just goes to say their can't be glory with out guts. There can't be a win without risk.

Forgiveness.....

My last post got me thinking. I got to thinking about forgiveness. And I truly have forgiven, although I can not forget. I got to thinking about my Cousin, who I spoke of possibly looking up on Facebook. And though I decided at the time not to, for fear of rejection, I changed my mind.

I got to thinking how he never actually treated me poorly. He didn't do anything to me, and perhaps he doesn't know anything of what happened. So maybe, just maybe I'd give him a shot and trust him in giving me a chance. I can't just group everyone together it's not fair. And I vowed that if anyone attempted to have a relationship with me from my Dad's side I would be open, honest, and loving towards them. If they only made the attempt!. I would give what I could to open opportunity for a relationship.

So I contacted him. I gave it a chance. I love them. I always have and always will.

This is the ultimate proof of love from me. I hope he sees it that way too. I'm putting my heart out on the line. This has caused me so much pain, and to enter into this with love and openness is a challenge and a gamble I am willing to take. Family is everything to me.

I feel like this is my last chance of any kind of contact with anyone from that side of the family. I hope it pays off. It would mean the world to me.

Sincerely closing this blog post tonight.

Surrounding yourself with Support

Last night I had pre-event jitters, and woke up around 11pm and couldn't get back to sleep. I was frusterated because I had to be up at 5:30am to put the roast in the crock pot. Then I had to be rested for the company I was going to have that morning. I lay there awake, staring at the wall. For some reason, my mind went to my Dad. With everything going on with my Grandpa, I began to think of the loss I've had with my Dad, and his entire side of the family. If you haven't realized yet through my blog, it was a huge loss for me. I am hugely family oriented, and to loose the relationship with the entire side of my Dad's family was heartbreaking. It was also all over a misunderstanding. That hurts even more.

So the events that lead up to me ending relationships with them rolled through my brain. Tears formed in my eyes, and fell down my cheek. Great.... I wasn't going to get back to sleep. I went through and tried to figure out what I could have done differently, then it hit me. I COULDN'T have changed the outcome. I couldn't change their minds no matter how hard I tried. I even though about looking up my cousin who I had a somewhat good relationship with, but I figured it would just look ...... weird?, or Desprite?. I don't know, but it didn't seem right. If I knew that me backing down and forgiving and forgetting about everything would change their minds about me and how they treat me then I would do it in a heart beat. Problem is, I know they would treat me the same. Like a red headed step child. So in bed around midnight I realized that this wasn't my problem. I couldn't change things. They simply were not supportive, and did not love me. Fact was cold and hard. They didn't care about me. I know that seems blunt and somewhat so awful, but it's the truth. Had they cared about me they would have come to me with any problems or questions. 

I've been rolling this around the last few weeks. I've been doing my absolute best to surround myself with people who loved me and wanted to see me succeed. I've cut people off that were hoping for me to fail. I've ended relationships that were not healthy. Let me tell you it's not been easy. It's torn me up inside because I still care about everyone that I've removed from my life. Including  my Dad's side of the family. I still love then with all my heart. And I forgive them. However I can not forget that they don't care enough about me to include me in their lives. So there for, I've removed them from my life. 

It doesn't mean I don't think about these people I've removed. I do. It's sort of a burden I have to bear. I have to continue my life loving them, knowing that I can't be in their lives because it's not healthy for me. If I want to see me and my best. They can't be there by my side.

It breaks my heart. But I am doing this for myself. I've given enough of myself to other people disregarding my own needs for so long that I've gotten myself to this point. Now I am getting myself out. I'm sorry if you're one of those people. I still love you and care. But this is how it has to be.

I wish it could be different. But it can't.

So this is where I learned boundaries.  I've heard people talk about boundaries before and I never knew how to set them.  Until now.

I do want to thank those of you who are in my life now, and supporting me. I appreciate it. You mean the world to me and my life wouldn't be the same with out you in it, and with out your love and support. I have successfully surrounded myself with love and support. Thank you all.

Needless to say, I got back to sleep last night shortly after I realized I was doing what was best for me. Shed some tears but I still stand by my choice. I'm doing the right thing regardless if it hurts. 

Waiting for Glory

Every day I think about the goals I have for myself. I wonder how realistic they are sometimes and ask myself if I'm in it till the end. Every day the answer is, "Yes, I'm in it till the end.". So every day I give all that I've got to give that day. Sometimes that day I don't have enough to give, but I still give my all. I love it when people push me to give me more then I've got to give, and I find my new rock bottom. It amazes me how much I've changed in such a short period of time.

So today, I woke up at 5:30 to put the roast in the crock pot to make pulled pork sandwiches, and slumped back into bed and slept a while longer. When I woke up the second time I started wondering if enough people would show to My husbands birthday part today to eat the food I'd be preparing. I literally prepared a feast. veggies, dip, chips, pulled pork sandwiches, crackers, salsa, and my mother in law was preparing the famous German chocolate cake. I still had doubts that enough people would show to eat all this food. A hint of frustration came thinking that I would be stuck to eat all this fattening junk food. But I gave it my all, let it all go in hopes a good turn out would come. And they did come.

We had the most amazing gathering. People mingled, and enjoyed each other's company. It really was a good time. Towards the end, after a few compliments on the spread, I started to think about my accomplishments. I've gone from running a dash, to being able to run 1/4 mile. That in itself is a huge feat for me. But it's so much more then running further, or getting stronger. I've changed as a person. I've learned how to feel happy for myself, I've learned how to care about myself and for myself. I've learned how to set up boundaries, I've learned how to celebrate life's simple joys. I can't give anyone credit for this but myself. I've faced some hard facts about myself and I came out kicking on the other side. I'm fighting to make myself into a person that I love and adore.

My point here today is that even though there may be one big glorifying event in your life where you really soak in your accomplishments, there are hundreds of small ones to celebrate. The fact that I threw together this party last min and it was such a great turn out and such loving people showed up...... it just amazes me. I am so thankful for the people that I have in my life now. I have nothing but support. I am so blessed.

So with this post, I wanted to share that I am having hundreds of mini celebrations through out my week. I'm loving life, and enjoying everything. And to top everything off, I was able to enjoy my food today, and not beat myself up about it. This is a big thing for me. I realize that one day will not change the rest of my life. Because I plan on being active for the rest of my life.

There is no waiting for glory, because today there are celebrations to be had.

When we were kids

When we were kids, it didn't matter what kind of shoes we had on for running. We just simply ran when we felt like it and stopped when we couldn't run anymore. When we were kids, we thought reaching 30 years old was an eternity. When we were kids, we stopped eating when we were full and begged to get down from the table and go play.

Now, we have to have the best performance running shoes in order to run. We must schedule time to run in our busy day.

Now 30 years old reaches us in a flash and time just flies by.

Now, we think about food all day long and try to convince ourselves to finish what is on our plate, and tell ourselves that we need a second helping.

Now, we rarely play.

Lately I've been learning how to be young again at heart.  And to enjoy life. That playing, laughing, and giggling is an important part of our daily lives. When we were kids we didn't care or have to schedule play time. We just simply played. But now being adults we find ourselves consumed with errands and things to do that we MUST make time to play and have fun.

So play a little this week. Have fun. Be a kid again.

Not again.....

So last night was awesome at group. I was so proud of myself because I think I shaved 15 seconds off my lap time. I'm pretty sure anyways I timed it and I think I got it right. I just feel like it's a large amount of time and perhaps I made a mistake. But.... I'm going to enjoy that I did the lap in 3 mins none the less.

We also did the bleachers. I have to say my knee takes a beating going down hill. It really doesn't care for it. Uphill is ok, but the tendon in the back feels very funny as if it's rolling over something or catching or something. I'm just going to keep it up and strengthen it the best I can.

When I got home last night there was a message on the machine. It was my mom, "Grandpa Bobby is in the hospital and I need your help, call me as soon as possible.". My first reaction was Oh no, not another family member near the holidays. I seriously don't know if I could take another one. I called her and she said she might need me to take her to Sacramento tomorrow, (which is today). We are currently waiting on a phone call from my Aunte who is down there. So... the waiting game. I don't really know how bad it is, because my mom doesn't really know how bad it is. All I know is that he's elderly and has congestive heart failure, along with Atherosclerosis. I also know that when you get up there in your years you just don't recover from things like younger people. So no matter how small of a procedure this may be or an event in his life, recovery may simply just not be there.


This makes me sad. And I feel selfish that I may have to deal with another loss near the holidays. I have such hope for these holidays and I just don't know.


So thats all for this morning. I'll try and keep you all posted.

Beginning to see the light

Last night we did that daunting hill 3 times!!!! I have to say I didn't think I could make it up the 3rd time I have to thank Alyshia for coming back and encouraging me on the last trip up. I walked most of the trips. I would run up to about the same spot and have to walk the rest of the way. I have to say I expected pain this morning. I expected calves to be in knots like usual and shin splints to be throbbing away. Instead I have some soreness, but I CAN walk.

So that can only mean ONE THING!. Either my legs fell off while I was running the hill OR I am getting stronger! I'll go for the later one of the 2. I am so excited that I am getting stronger. I actually can't wait to hit the Amador track again and time another lap. I hope this is the beginning to being able to recover faster so I can participate in group every time I go instead of laying back and waiting some stuff out.

I have to tell you that I am so excited that I even did the hill one time. Because my first time trying that hill, I started run up it then began to walk and quit at Mountain View. I never even saw the top. So seeing it 3 times for me was an amazing feeling.

It makes me want to go hiking with my husband, and snow shoeing like we used to. We used to be so active and we kinda stopped doing stuff like that because we felt it was "too hard" or "too much work", or more often then anything, "we were too busy". I am so looking forward to some of that stuff this winter. I will be able to keep up with him much easier this year.

So this is an accomplishment day. I am going to relish in it.

Holidays growing nearer

I don't really know what marks the beginning of the Holidays for me but it seems that my body knows they are near. Maybe it's the fact that November has began and the stores are now going to begin to put out Christmas stuff if they haven't already. Like many people, the Holidays come with a double edged sward for me. Not only does the joy come from being able to share special memories with my family, but the fact that loved ones are gone and I will never be able to share another Holiday with them saddens me.

I know exactly when this feeling began. It began when I had to put my pony down when I was 17 the week before Thanksgiving. It was a heavy weight to bear for such a young adult.

Later in my life my dad was diagnosed with Bone Cancer, and passed away also, the week before Thanksgiving. Again, another holiday I had to go through the motions and know that I had lost someone dear. Somehow they have left little scars on my heart. My Grandma passed away later that year only about 8 months later. It was a double whammy that year.

I thought about this AGAIN as the holidays began to take hold on the world. To tell you the truth I really don't want to go through another year of sadness during the holidays. I know my dad wouldn't want me to, and nor would my grandma. I've been working on changing myself the last few months and have made such progress and I have grown so much over the last year that I feel like a completely different person. I feel like this year I have made leaps and bounds to change.

This morning I started to think about how I wanted to spend these coming Holidays. I thought to myself that I wanted to spend them with love, and joy. I wanted to have a free spirit. Light hearted and full of love. I wanted to remember those who I have loved and lost with happiness in my heart and not grief. I wanted the holidays to be what they were supposed to be. Good.

I have an idea of how to go about changing this. I plan to change my thought process and when I catch my mind drifting to darker thoughts to turn them around to positive. Not allowing me to fall into a sadness. I plan to make new rituals and memories that are happy and fun. I also want to be able to work hard on my health, but not feel guilty about having that thanksgiving meal. I want to be able to indulge but not go too far, and be able to know that my hard physical work I'm doing combats the negative I may be indulging in.

I want happiness this year.

I also feel my first 5K drawing near. Run to Feed the Hungry 2010 in Sacramento is coming up. Only  3 weeks away. I know I am ready, but I am beginning to get a little nervous. The what if's are coming into play. The what if I have bad leg cramps, what if I get lost on my route, what if have to use the restroom during my 5K, what if I forget something. And again, I have to stop myself and let it all go. Let it run off my shoulders because it's still 3 weeks away and worrying now does nothing to aid my run.

To top all of this off it's my husband's 30th Birthday today. Happy Birthday Tyson!!! This lets me know that the big 3-oh is coming up for me and reminds me that my 30's are going to be AWESOME! I am going to be the person I wanted to be. My 30's will be great. I've learned so many lessons during my 20's that I think I'm going to be going into my 30's with a LOT of knowledge of who I am as a person and what I wanted to do do with my life. My 20's were all about learning. Now I'll get to live!

The Dash - (aka The Stuff)

This morning a few of my girlfriends and I went on a walk. Towards the end we hiked up the hill to the town's cemetery. Let me just say that this cemetery creeps me out, so this was the first time I'd spent any time in it. As we walked around we looked at the names, dates, and sayings that were on th headstones. I noticed one woman's headstone that was still unfinished. There was her husbands name and date, and then there was her name and her date looked something like this. 1950-     .... and there it was blank. I thought about this and realized the person was still alive. It then occurred to me that the most important part of someone's date was the - in the middle. It was clear all of a sudden. What ever was - happening, what ever was currently happening, what ever was continuing, that was the most important part. The "stuff" in the middle. Not the beginning, and not the end. But the middle.

I got to thinking how this applied to my life now. And I realized how amazing the middle can be. What fills the middle is really great stuff. The things we do with our middle. It's what matters. I asked myself what I was doing with my life now, and I was pleased with my answer. Had you asked me 5 months ago the answer might not have been so positive. There may have contained discontentment. But now.... there is contentment. I have goals, I have things I am working and towards. I have achievements no matter how little they may be.

But lets be real here. There are stuff I'm not doing so good at. Such as my diet. I have found a weakness. You know the time right before you go "big" grocery shopping, when the fresh food is almost all gone, and the fridge is running on empty. What do you do? You start to turn to the pantry. I found this is a crutch. I realized that I turn to the pantry because we're running low on food and I'm running low of ideas. It's frustrating because I don't know how to change that. It's not like I can go shopping when we're not ready yet. I talked to Wendy a friend of mine and she told me she struggled with that at first too. But then pretty soon you'll run out of that bad "pantry" stuff and you won't buy it anymore. Also she told me how she budgets her grocery shopping. I'm going to give it yet another adjustment and try harder. I also need to find an air popper for pop corn. How I am making it is just not acceptable.

So that was my day. Any suggestions on budgeting for grocery shopping and how other's do it I'd love to hear em.

So anyways, what are YOU doing with your middle? Anything good?