Monday, January 31, 2011


I am inspired today to take this challenge one step further. I asked myself today while watching a TV show about people who lost a bunch of weight doing it the old fashioned way, "What could I do more that would help me loose this weight?". The quick answer to that was stop eating past 8pm. I am a late night snacker, and soon after dinner I am in the kitchen scrounging for something else to eat. I am simply not hungry but bored and looking for something to do. I've now got a hobby in place to assist with that, but I need to make a commitment to stop eating so late. So today I am making a pledge to myself and only myself to not eat past 8pm. That allows some time to eat for a late night snack of berries, fruit, veggies, or popcorn. I will not be depriving myself in anyway shape or form, as I will not be hungry and have a growling tummy, but I will stop the needless useless extra calories I am consuming which I know are a major problem for me.

So there you have it. one step further. No eating past 8PM.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Yellow Fire Hydrant

Last night I went for a run. At first I didn't want to go, but then I got a sudden burst of excitement and decided I had better get my butt up off the couch and go. So I did. The sun had already set and I was running in the dark. Something I would not have done before spending the last few months at Run Group with my trainer Alyshia Davies. I've become more brave in several areas of my life. One of which was tonight... running in the dark. My town is small and not scary at all. It's country hick town and there really is no threat. But the idea of running in the dark before, just did not appeal to me. However, my love for running has conquered my fear of being out in the dark. 

That night my legs were extra sore. We had run and played freeze tag at group the night before. My legs were telling me all about it. I decided I would do my best regardless of the discomfort. Because that was all it was... discomfort. Not pain. I reached the stretch where I usually began my run and when not only a month ago I had to stop half way through the straight sidewalk path to rest. Several weeks prior I had run with a friend and broke through my half way point and made it all the way to the Yellow Fire Hydrant. 

Tonight I had another goal. I wanted to make it COMFORTABLY to the fire hydrant. I ran comfortably along. I felt my rhythmic breathing with each step as I went along. Tonight my lungs were not holding me back. Tonight I found it not easy, but comfortable. Something natural. It felt like something I've done a hundred times. And then it happened. I got to that little Yellow Fire Hydrant, and passed it. I kept running. I passed that little Yellow Fire Hydrant and found myself a good distance past it when I finally called it quits and slowed to a walk. I relished in the fact that I had made a new personal goal. I enjoyed it. I lived in that moment for a while before I moved past and started with the next challenge.

Passing that Yellow Fire Hydrant just reminded me that I will have hundreds of goals that I will reach through out this journey. Each one is significant and important in and of itself.

Taking over my life, in a good way

I have to say, I am begining to see changes in myself. Not only the 3 successful pounds I lost this week, but my over all attitude towards my health and well being. I've spent an enormous amount of time trying to re-learn how to eat because I know that is where I went wrong with all of this. I LOVE food. And it doesn't mean I don't have to love food that is healthy for me. I just have to adapt to things a bit and keep an open mind. It's been challenging to keep an open mind. But I'm doing it. I used to bulk at ideas that I thought were "too far". But now I give it a try and if it doesn't work for me oh well. And if it does work for me Great!. I'm trying to change my behavior and attitude towards food and it's not easy. Yesterday I threw a tantrum and drove to the store and bought a chocolate cream pie. I consciously made that decision. However I didn't realize it was a response to stress. I thought it was a simple craving that got the best of me. Emotional eating has really driven me for the past however many years, and it's simply not going to go away over night. I realize now that what I thought emotional eating was "my boyfriend broke up with me so I am going to to sit in bed and eat a gallon of ice-cream" was not always the correct version of emotional eating. For example. My version of emotional eating is. "I'm bored, well what can I Do?... (wander to the kitchen and graze)" That was my version. Or like yesterday. I was worried about the purchase I had made for myself that was not benefiting anyone besides me. It was a simple cheap purchase that I made for myself and myself alone. And I felt guilty. My response was to go drive to the store, and buy a whole pie. When I got home I realized that this was wrong, but I may as well eat a slice since I had it there anyways. I gave half to my neighbor. and let my husband eat the other half. I had a total of 2.5 slices.

This is my story. My tantrum sounded like a child throwing a fit in my head, and the reasonable side sounded like the rational adult trying to get control of the child. The child wouldn't have it. And she won that round. Eventually the adult got control of the child a short while later. This happens all the time. She wins alot. But I am learning to rewire her in a way that She doesn't win as much. The adult is ruling over the child and She's winning.

Running is another thing. I used to slump and slink to the door in avoidance of having to exercise. Now, I can not wait till I get out there and do it again. I am getting more brave and having less excuses. Even though I enjoy it I occasionally find that the little child wins again with excuses as to why not to do something I really want to do. But like I said it's a learning process.

I am seeing my views change, and my body. Though I have gained the 8 back I lost 3 of that again. I am finally realizing this is going to be my new life. What I don't completely realize yet is that it does get easier. I have to remind myself that this will get easier. Counting calories gets faster, easier and more accurate as I go along. Now that I've broke through the part where I have to be honest with myself, I find that counting calories really is helping me stay in the ball park of where I need to be calorie wise.

I think I've simply changed as a person. Whether or not I am still obese is besides the point. I have created a new life for myself. Although the old life sometimes shines through. This new life if full of good things for me. I am constantly unwrapping something good that turns my way. Like setting a new mile record. Nothing gets better then that!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011


The last few days have been full of heavy thoughts and a heavy body. My back went out yesterday and put a halt to my heard work at training. After I weighed in at the end of the week I had gained a total of 4 more lbs. Totaling to 8lbs.  Some from the holidays, and then the other half from last weeks poor decisions. I've been thinking why I am so afraid of calorie reduction. It's not like I am going to starve to death. That simply won't happen. Do I fear the grumbling stomach?. Well if I eat right that shouldn't be too uncomfortable.

At first when I weighed in and saw the gain, I tried to excuse it away. Muscle mass weighs more then fat, yadda yadda yadda. I am sure you've heard it all before and probably done it yourself also.I used all sorts of excuses even carrying water weight from muscle soreness. But after a few days passed I realized I was fooling myself. I thought back to what I had devoured the week before. I had been extra hungry due to the heavy work outs and grabbed quick microwaveable things such as chicken nuggets, frozen burritos, and had mad casseroles that were not the healthy type. Not to mention the ice-cream drumsticks that were stocked by the box in the freezer. I probably ate half of them in total. I could go back and pick out everything I did wrong. And it would clearly point in the direction as to why I gained the weight. I simply ate a ton of calories.

Now that I am out of commission, I realize I needed to watch what I was putting in my face more carefully or else there were going to be huge (literally huge) consequences to pay.

I weighed in my options. I could go forward still fearing starvation due to calorie reduction, or I could move forward knowing I was taking care of my body. Also I would be making running easier on myself physically. As I should be loosing weight the further my training goes. The harder I work makes it rougher on my body. Not eating right and working so hard can be an unhealthy combination. It wasn't until just now that I realized this.

Fear of failure comes to heart at this point. Trying and failing again at changing my eating habits. But when it comes down to it, I don't have any options. This is my only choice. So I may as well face it and conquer it.

If counting calories is what I need to do then I'll do it. If making a chart for the fridge is what will make it easier I'll do it. I do know that this is not the end of the fight. Just being motivated and ready mentally doesn't make it easy or make it happen. I have to make it happen. It's my responsibility to take care of myself and feed my body energy to run correctly. Especially if I am training the way I am. It's even more important now.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Prepared to fail???

This topic has been on my mind the last week. I've noticed that I keep ending up in the back. Yes, my body isn't as strong as the others in the group. But I find that when newcomers join I even allow myself to be behind them when I know I am more prepared physically then they are. I kept asking myself why am I always in the back. I dug deep into my heart because I knew it wasn't my body failing me. It was my mind.

This week I pushed myself hard! I did things I didn't think I could do and I made major improvements in my timed laps and mile. It blew me away how much more I could do in such a short period of time. So knowing that I could go harder, go longer, and dig deeper, I asked myself why I remained in the back.

It was simple when it came to me. I was prepared to fail. Prepared to be the slowest, fattest, and fail. I had failed for so long, and been in the back for so long I forgot what it tastes like to be first. To be a winner. I forgot how it feels. Let me tell you that settling to be last is not a good feeling. You stop trying. You give up and accept defeat. I am determined to not allow myself to be the last forever. Even if it takes me a whole year. I will not always be last in line.

Failure. Hum, this is a touchy subject for me. I've been at the place where it was home. I know what it feels like to think you can't do any better. I stopped caring what others thought about me because I was failing. I would say well, thats me, thats the best I can do. Now knowing I can do better, I question what will I do with new found desire and drive to win? Well WIN of course!

What I find even more hard to accept and face is that people around me started doubting in my abilities. They started to believe that WAS the best I could do. They stopped believing that I could do things and accomplish things. They enabled me to fail and accept it. Even though they wanted the best for me, they allowed me to keep failing. I know that it was ultimately my fault. Putting blame on anyone at this point doesn't do anyone justice. It's done and over with now. So lets move on and forward and forget who did what and who DIDN'T do what.

I am so sick of feeling worthless, and not worth while. I am so tired of thinking and people thinking I couldn't do something and succeed.

How does one get to a point where they are prepared to fail at no matter what they do? I can tell you how I did it. I stopped trying. Simple as that. I gave up before I even started. Whether is was a New Years Resolution, a new job, a new friendship, a new hobby. I just gave up. I knew I would fail. Before I even started I thought this was going to end badly. And so it did. I brought it to that conclusion. I did it. I allowed it and willed it to happen that way. And so it did.

I can tell you that this causes me a great deal of pain and emotional discomfort. Perhaps I fed my hurt emotions with food all these years. Smoking also aided to the demise of my self esteem. Eating became something that felt good. Eating became something that I could always turn to. Smoking too. I celebrated with a cigarette, and I celebrated with food. If I felt awful that day, or I had failed at something I turned to food. I turned to smoking. Now that I have quit smoking, that only left food for me to turn to. It wrenches my heart in 10 different ways knowing exactly how I got here. It tears me up that I let me get here. I can blame no one but myself, except for the fact that my loved ones enabled me. But like I said before, blame does no one any good at this point.

Those of you that love me, you will start seeing more out of me. More successes, and accomplishments. I'm sick of this failure business. I'm ready to win! It's taken me years to get to this point, so I need to realize that it's going to take a while to dig myself out.

If I could only go back and tell myself to not accept defeat and failure, that I could do better. I think I would have listened to my future self. If only time travel was real right?

This blog post is Dedicated to Alyshia Davies. Thank you for everything you have taught me so far, I can't wait to learn more about myself.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Pretty Pretty Please....

...don't you ever, ever feel like your less then perfect.

Today, it sunk in.  Through the sweat, and burning muscles, I realized that I was special and worthy. How amazing is that feeling? I can do this. Forget the I can't(s). I can damn it!

I'm ready. I'm stoked, and ready to burn! I'm excited to see what this new year brings me and what I bring it. My 30's are rolling around and getting nearer and I am going to make them great! I'm ready to be the best person I can be, including physically. Most importantly physically.

Even if I have to dig my way out of blood and fire. I'm going to loose this weight! If thats what it takes, I'm going to do it.

It's amazing how just a few work outs and one amazing run with great friends, and a focus work out in the gym can change your whole outlook. To those of you who want to know why I like running. Thats why. Running can change everything.

Amazing day today. Feels great to be back in the game. Thanks for joining me. Thanks for supporting me. Thanks for seeing the changes in me and telling me that you see them.

Starting the New Year

So starting the new year has been a bit of a challenge for me. I ended up getting a cold at Christmas and was recovering the end of the year. I found that my ability to pick up where I left off was more difficult mentally then physically. My muscles remembered where I was at in training, but my mind just didn't want to do it. The rain came and I made excuses to not go outside in the cold wet weather. And then there were other things stopping me such as visiting friends, grocery shopping, and errands to run.

During all this chaos, I knew I needed to set a resolution. A goal of some kind for the new year that will assist me in my weight loss goal. I didn't want it to be something difficult, or even something I could fail at. I wanted a fail proof goal. Also something I would want to do. So I decided my New Year's Resolution would be to EAT BREAKFAST!. Easy right?. Easy for most people anyways. I tend to skip it and hold off until lunch. By the time I hit lunch I am starved and my blood sugar levels have dropped. I think this is a great goal. Something even as simple as a banana or bowl of cereal. Easy, simple, fail proof.

I've been thinking about what's been holding me back. I feel like I am talking the talk, but not walking the walk. I feel like I am not backing up my words with actions. I think that it's time I started speaking with my actions. Instead of saying I'll do something, I'll prove and say it by doing it! I feel like I've been letting myself down as well as some people around me by not working on my training at home. It is slowing my process to enhance my pace and endurance. It's not fair to myself, or to others I am training with as they are getting faster and I am still remaining in the back.

On a happier note, I feel stronger then before I got sick. Weird I know. I am hardly ever so sore I can't walk. I can move the next day no matter what kind of work out I have, hard or easy. I can't tell you how happy I am. I remember the beginning when I could barely walk for 3 days. Now it only feels good the day after or right after my work out. I feel vibrant and alive. It really does amaze me how it affects my moods and emotions after a good hard work out. So with this note, I know I need to step it up a bit and elongate my routes. Like I've said before. I need to push harder, go longer, and try faster.

So what I've learned the past week or so... is that just saying you are a runner doesn't make you a runner. You have to run in order to be a runner. So I need to get out there and just run!

I hope your New Year will be great one. I wish you the best in 2011! Now start running!
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