Running for Grandma

One week ago today, I experienced a terrible loss. My Grandma who was near and dear to my heart, who had such a huge impact on my up brining passed away. She went into the hospital thinking she would be fine, and things went south fast. It was sudden, unexpected and hit me like a hammer to my chest.

It is very difficult to even write this now. Memories flash through my mind and feelings come over me like a tsunami wave. After her passing I went through stages of grief. I missed her presents on earth so very much. And the simple thought of her being gone leaves an emptiness.

Such change must occur during this process I believe. Not only do we have to create "a new normal" like my Mom says. But we have to learn to enjoy family gatherings with out Gran. For me it was more of "finding motivation to move forward". Part of me does not want to move on with out her. That part of me wants to hold tight of the memories I have. That part of me doesn't want to see her gone. Unfortunately and fortunately I do not control who stays and who goes on earth. For a while I struggled to do much of anything, let alone run. My first run after loosing Gran was a measly 1.5 miles, in light heat. To me it was the hardest 1.5 miles I have ever run in my entire life. I was exhausted, and scorched in only 70 degree weather. The sweat pour down my forehead and finding energy to take the next step was next to impossible.

The entire run I was thinking about Gran, and how she would want me to keep running. She wouldn't want me to give up on the account of her passing. She wanted me to loose this weight so badly..... sometimes I thinks she wanted it more then me. She enjoyed seeing me accomplish the things I have in the past months, and read my blog to see where I was in my journey of becoming an athlete.

I've been toying with the idea of canceling on Bay to Breakers in May. I know I am simply not ready. But now I have a partner willing to walk with me if I have to, and run with me when I can run. I've only got 3 short weeks to prepare for the longest run I've ever done my entire life. At 242 lbs, thats going to be a challenge. Also considering the fact that I've taken the last 2-3 weeks off due to unforeseen circumstances. After Gran passed, I decided I would cancel, and the sour feeling in my stomach sat as I thought of disappointing her. I could not cancel. She would be so sad if I did.

So I changed my mind and decided I WOULD run Bay to Breakers. Even if I have to walk. The next 3 weeks will be challenging to say the least. They will fly by and before I know it I will be standing at the starting line waiting to run.

I'm running Bay to Breakers for you Gran. So here's to you!

Ultimate Low- Terrified to Fail

So as I write to you today, I have a heavy heart. I've not put in the effort that is needed to loose weight, or even maintain my weight. I have gained back a total of 12 lbs of the 30 I lost. In the last week I've pack on 4 lbs. And let me tell you, I FEEL IT! I feel every pound. I am going to try and get through this blog with out beating myself up over it all, but honestly facing the facts about where I stand.

I have NOT been counting my calories.
I have NOT been running often. It's been on a whim.
I am NOT ready for Bay to Breakers.

With all of that said, it looks like I am about to give up. I thought about this the last few weeks, and weighed in my consequences. Not only am I terrified to fail at this and not willing to accept the fate of giving up, I am absolutely mad with myself that I've let myself gain these 12 lbs I worked so hard for. When I think of the struggles I went through the last 6 months or so. I just feel a deep sense of lose and sadness for myself. I know what it took to get there. And I feel like I'm just throwing it all away in one short toss.

I also feel like I am wasting my money if I am not willing to put forth the effort into running and calorie counting. I mean why keep paying my trainer if I wont work! Why keep paying someone for nothing? That money could be going towards something else. But in the same turn, I know that my only other option is gaining MORE weight when I give up. And that simply isn't an option for me. I am already extreamly unhealthy at my current weight and the last thing I need is even more weight.

So I thought about the consequences. and I am not ready to fail. I am not ready to give up. So I thought about how I can combat the overwhelming sense of failure and the size of the problem I have to face ahead of me. The only thing that came to mind was baby steps. Small baby steps. So one day at a time. And this morning, on this day. I CHOOSE RUNNING! I CHOOSE HEALTH! I choose doing something for myself even if it's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do.

I have started my calorie counting again this morning. And I will show up for run group.

Same 10 Lbs!!!!

Ok. Here is the deal. I've been fighting the same ten lbs by loosing and gaining, and so on and so forth. I can't seem to get past the 30 lbs down mark. It's frustrating but I have decided to not give up. I want to do this the right way so it stays off. It needs to me hard so I learn not to put it back on. Thats exactly what it is to! Hard! Difficult! Crazy difficult!

But I wanted you guys to know this because for those of you who are dealing with the same thing I am, your not alone. This is the whole point of this blog anyways, to let others know that there are other people out here dealing with the same problem. Obesity. It's am epidemic that hitting the nation hard. But it also means that we can turn it around. One person at a time. I feel like there is an uprising in health. Not only food, but exercise.

So my trainer recommended I put a food diary together and we'll look over it and see what I am doing wrong for the week. Granted I have been counting calories and even that doesn't seem to help all that much. So I am slightly hesitant to put faith in this, but maybe if I have an extra pair of eyes on my food intake it will help me realize what I am doing wrong.

I know that when I do loose, I ease up and give myself some slack. As soon as I give slack, a few days pass, and the weight comes back. perhaps I am simply not trying hard enough. Perhaps I am giving myself too much slack. But for the most part I eat well, healthy foods, and rarely do I get a treat like ice-cream. But when I do have that ice-cream, it seems 5 lbs are back in a snap. I've got to be able to figure out a balance where I can indulge and not pay the huge price of 5 lbs. Indulge once a week or twice. Not every day.

This journey has been so difficult. It has tested me in many ways. I can't tell you how much I have learned about myself in the last year or 6 months of this journey. But I can tell you one thing. Once I loose it, it will never come back again!!!!!! I will not allow myself to get this far gone ever again. The price is too high to pay.

Pledge

I am inspired today to take this challenge one step further. I asked myself today while watching a TV show about people who lost a bunch of weight doing it the old fashioned way, "What could I do more that would help me loose this weight?". The quick answer to that was stop eating past 8pm. I am a late night snacker, and soon after dinner I am in the kitchen scrounging for something else to eat. I am simply not hungry but bored and looking for something to do. I've now got a hobby in place to assist with that, but I need to make a commitment to stop eating so late. So today I am making a pledge to myself and only myself to not eat past 8pm. That allows some time to eat for a late night snack of berries, fruit, veggies, or popcorn. I will not be depriving myself in anyway shape or form, as I will not be hungry and have a growling tummy, but I will stop the needless useless extra calories I am consuming which I know are a major problem for me.

So there you have it. one step further. No eating past 8PM.

Yellow Fire Hydrant

Last night I went for a run. At first I didn't want to go, but then I got a sudden burst of excitement and decided I had better get my butt up off the couch and go. So I did. The sun had already set and I was running in the dark. Something I would not have done before spending the last few months at Run Group with my trainer Alyshia Davies. I've become more brave in several areas of my life. One of which was tonight... running in the dark. My town is small and not scary at all. It's country hick town and there really is no threat. But the idea of running in the dark before, just did not appeal to me. However, my love for running has conquered my fear of being out in the dark. 

That night my legs were extra sore. We had run and played freeze tag at group the night before. My legs were telling me all about it. I decided I would do my best regardless of the discomfort. Because that was all it was... discomfort. Not pain. I reached the stretch where I usually began my run and when not only a month ago I had to stop half way through the straight sidewalk path to rest. Several weeks prior I had run with a friend and broke through my half way point and made it all the way to the Yellow Fire Hydrant. 

Tonight I had another goal. I wanted to make it COMFORTABLY to the fire hydrant. I ran comfortably along. I felt my rhythmic breathing with each step as I went along. Tonight my lungs were not holding me back. Tonight I found it not easy, but comfortable. Something natural. It felt like something I've done a hundred times. And then it happened. I got to that little Yellow Fire Hydrant, and passed it. I kept running. I passed that little Yellow Fire Hydrant and found myself a good distance past it when I finally called it quits and slowed to a walk. I relished in the fact that I had made a new personal goal. I enjoyed it. I lived in that moment for a while before I moved past and started with the next challenge.

Passing that Yellow Fire Hydrant just reminded me that I will have hundreds of goals that I will reach through out this journey. Each one is significant and important in and of itself.

Taking over my life, in a good way

I have to say, I am begining to see changes in myself. Not only the 3 successful pounds I lost this week, but my over all attitude towards my health and well being. I've spent an enormous amount of time trying to re-learn how to eat because I know that is where I went wrong with all of this. I LOVE food. And it doesn't mean I don't have to love food that is healthy for me. I just have to adapt to things a bit and keep an open mind. It's been challenging to keep an open mind. But I'm doing it. I used to bulk at ideas that I thought were "too far". But now I give it a try and if it doesn't work for me oh well. And if it does work for me Great!. I'm trying to change my behavior and attitude towards food and it's not easy. Yesterday I threw a tantrum and drove to the store and bought a chocolate cream pie. I consciously made that decision. However I didn't realize it was a response to stress. I thought it was a simple craving that got the best of me. Emotional eating has really driven me for the past however many years, and it's simply not going to go away over night. I realize now that what I thought emotional eating was "my boyfriend broke up with me so I am going to to sit in bed and eat a gallon of ice-cream" was not always the correct version of emotional eating. For example. My version of emotional eating is. "I'm bored, well what can I Do?... (wander to the kitchen and graze)" That was my version. Or like yesterday. I was worried about the purchase I had made for myself that was not benefiting anyone besides me. It was a simple cheap purchase that I made for myself and myself alone. And I felt guilty. My response was to go drive to the store, and buy a whole pie. When I got home I realized that this was wrong, but I may as well eat a slice since I had it there anyways. I gave half to my neighbor. and let my husband eat the other half. I had a total of 2.5 slices.

This is my story. My tantrum sounded like a child throwing a fit in my head, and the reasonable side sounded like the rational adult trying to get control of the child. The child wouldn't have it. And she won that round. Eventually the adult got control of the child a short while later. This happens all the time. She wins alot. But I am learning to rewire her in a way that She doesn't win as much. The adult is ruling over the child and She's winning.

Running is another thing. I used to slump and slink to the door in avoidance of having to exercise. Now, I can not wait till I get out there and do it again. I am getting more brave and having less excuses. Even though I enjoy it I occasionally find that the little child wins again with excuses as to why not to do something I really want to do. But like I said it's a learning process.

I am seeing my views change, and my body. Though I have gained the 8 back I lost 3 of that again. I am finally realizing this is going to be my new life. What I don't completely realize yet is that it does get easier. I have to remind myself that this will get easier. Counting calories gets faster, easier and more accurate as I go along. Now that I've broke through the part where I have to be honest with myself, I find that counting calories really is helping me stay in the ball park of where I need to be calorie wise.

I think I've simply changed as a person. Whether or not I am still obese is besides the point. I have created a new life for myself. Although the old life sometimes shines through. This new life if full of good things for me. I am constantly unwrapping something good that turns my way. Like setting a new mile record. Nothing gets better then that!

Ready

The last few days have been full of heavy thoughts and a heavy body. My back went out yesterday and put a halt to my heard work at training. After I weighed in at the end of the week I had gained a total of 4 more lbs. Totaling to 8lbs.  Some from the holidays, and then the other half from last weeks poor decisions. I've been thinking why I am so afraid of calorie reduction. It's not like I am going to starve to death. That simply won't happen. Do I fear the grumbling stomach?. Well if I eat right that shouldn't be too uncomfortable.

At first when I weighed in and saw the gain, I tried to excuse it away. Muscle mass weighs more then fat, yadda yadda yadda. I am sure you've heard it all before and probably done it yourself also.I used all sorts of excuses even carrying water weight from muscle soreness. But after a few days passed I realized I was fooling myself. I thought back to what I had devoured the week before. I had been extra hungry due to the heavy work outs and grabbed quick microwaveable things such as chicken nuggets, frozen burritos, and had mad casseroles that were not the healthy type. Not to mention the ice-cream drumsticks that were stocked by the box in the freezer. I probably ate half of them in total. I could go back and pick out everything I did wrong. And it would clearly point in the direction as to why I gained the weight. I simply ate a ton of calories.

Now that I am out of commission, I realize I needed to watch what I was putting in my face more carefully or else there were going to be huge (literally huge) consequences to pay.

I weighed in my options. I could go forward still fearing starvation due to calorie reduction, or I could move forward knowing I was taking care of my body. Also I would be making running easier on myself physically. As I should be loosing weight the further my training goes. The harder I work makes it rougher on my body. Not eating right and working so hard can be an unhealthy combination. It wasn't until just now that I realized this.

Fear of failure comes to heart at this point. Trying and failing again at changing my eating habits. But when it comes down to it, I don't have any options. This is my only choice. So I may as well face it and conquer it.


If counting calories is what I need to do then I'll do it. If making a chart for the fridge is what will make it easier I'll do it. I do know that this is not the end of the fight. Just being motivated and ready mentally doesn't make it easy or make it happen. I have to make it happen. It's my responsibility to take care of myself and feed my body energy to run correctly. Especially if I am training the way I am. It's even more important now.