Ultimate Low- Terrified to Fail

So as I write to you today, I have a heavy heart. I've not put in the effort that is needed to loose weight, or even maintain my weight. I have gained back a total of 12 lbs of the 30 I lost. In the last week I've pack on 4 lbs. And let me tell you, I FEEL IT! I feel every pound. I am going to try and get through this blog with out beating myself up over it all, but honestly facing the facts about where I stand.

I have NOT been counting my calories.
I have NOT been running often. It's been on a whim.
I am NOT ready for Bay to Breakers.

With all of that said, it looks like I am about to give up. I thought about this the last few weeks, and weighed in my consequences. Not only am I terrified to fail at this and not willing to accept the fate of giving up, I am absolutely mad with myself that I've let myself gain these 12 lbs I worked so hard for. When I think of the struggles I went through the last 6 months or so. I just feel a deep sense of lose and sadness for myself. I know what it took to get there. And I feel like I'm just throwing it all away in one short toss.

I also feel like I am wasting my money if I am not willing to put forth the effort into running and calorie counting. I mean why keep paying my trainer if I wont work! Why keep paying someone for nothing? That money could be going towards something else. But in the same turn, I know that my only other option is gaining MORE weight when I give up. And that simply isn't an option for me. I am already extreamly unhealthy at my current weight and the last thing I need is even more weight.

So I thought about the consequences. and I am not ready to fail. I am not ready to give up. So I thought about how I can combat the overwhelming sense of failure and the size of the problem I have to face ahead of me. The only thing that came to mind was baby steps. Small baby steps. So one day at a time. And this morning, on this day. I CHOOSE RUNNING! I CHOOSE HEALTH! I choose doing something for myself even if it's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do.

I have started my calorie counting again this morning. And I will show up for run group.