Ready

The last few days have been full of heavy thoughts and a heavy body. My back went out yesterday and put a halt to my heard work at training. After I weighed in at the end of the week I had gained a total of 4 more lbs. Totaling to 8lbs.  Some from the holidays, and then the other half from last weeks poor decisions. I've been thinking why I am so afraid of calorie reduction. It's not like I am going to starve to death. That simply won't happen. Do I fear the grumbling stomach?. Well if I eat right that shouldn't be too uncomfortable.

At first when I weighed in and saw the gain, I tried to excuse it away. Muscle mass weighs more then fat, yadda yadda yadda. I am sure you've heard it all before and probably done it yourself also.I used all sorts of excuses even carrying water weight from muscle soreness. But after a few days passed I realized I was fooling myself. I thought back to what I had devoured the week before. I had been extra hungry due to the heavy work outs and grabbed quick microwaveable things such as chicken nuggets, frozen burritos, and had mad casseroles that were not the healthy type. Not to mention the ice-cream drumsticks that were stocked by the box in the freezer. I probably ate half of them in total. I could go back and pick out everything I did wrong. And it would clearly point in the direction as to why I gained the weight. I simply ate a ton of calories.

Now that I am out of commission, I realize I needed to watch what I was putting in my face more carefully or else there were going to be huge (literally huge) consequences to pay.

I weighed in my options. I could go forward still fearing starvation due to calorie reduction, or I could move forward knowing I was taking care of my body. Also I would be making running easier on myself physically. As I should be loosing weight the further my training goes. The harder I work makes it rougher on my body. Not eating right and working so hard can be an unhealthy combination. It wasn't until just now that I realized this.

Fear of failure comes to heart at this point. Trying and failing again at changing my eating habits. But when it comes down to it, I don't have any options. This is my only choice. So I may as well face it and conquer it.


If counting calories is what I need to do then I'll do it. If making a chart for the fridge is what will make it easier I'll do it. I do know that this is not the end of the fight. Just being motivated and ready mentally doesn't make it easy or make it happen. I have to make it happen. It's my responsibility to take care of myself and feed my body energy to run correctly. Especially if I am training the way I am. It's even more important now.

Prepared to fail???

This topic has been on my mind the last week. I've noticed that I keep ending up in the back. Yes, my body isn't as strong as the others in the group. But I find that when newcomers join I even allow myself to be behind them when I know I am more prepared physically then they are. I kept asking myself why am I always in the back. I dug deep into my heart because I knew it wasn't my body failing me. It was my mind.

This week I pushed myself hard! I did things I didn't think I could do and I made major improvements in my timed laps and mile. It blew me away how much more I could do in such a short period of time. So knowing that I could go harder, go longer, and dig deeper, I asked myself why I remained in the back.

It was simple when it came to me. I was prepared to fail. Prepared to be the slowest, fattest, and fail. I had failed for so long, and been in the back for so long I forgot what it tastes like to be first. To be a winner. I forgot how it feels. Let me tell you that settling to be last is not a good feeling. You stop trying. You give up and accept defeat. I am determined to not allow myself to be the last forever. Even if it takes me a whole year. I will not always be last in line.

Failure. Hum, this is a touchy subject for me. I've been at the place where it was home. I know what it feels like to think you can't do any better. I stopped caring what others thought about me because I was failing. I would say well, thats me, thats the best I can do. Now knowing I can do better, I question what will I do with new found desire and drive to win? Well WIN of course!

What I find even more hard to accept and face is that people around me started doubting in my abilities. They started to believe that WAS the best I could do. They stopped believing that I could do things and accomplish things. They enabled me to fail and accept it. Even though they wanted the best for me, they allowed me to keep failing. I know that it was ultimately my fault. Putting blame on anyone at this point doesn't do anyone justice. It's done and over with now. So lets move on and forward and forget who did what and who DIDN'T do what.

I am so sick of feeling worthless, and not worth while. I am so tired of thinking and people thinking I couldn't do something and succeed.

How does one get to a point where they are prepared to fail at no matter what they do? I can tell you how I did it. I stopped trying. Simple as that. I gave up before I even started. Whether is was a New Years Resolution, a new job, a new friendship, a new hobby. I just gave up. I knew I would fail. Before I even started I thought this was going to end badly. And so it did. I brought it to that conclusion. I did it. I allowed it and willed it to happen that way. And so it did.

I can tell you that this causes me a great deal of pain and emotional discomfort. Perhaps I fed my hurt emotions with food all these years. Smoking also aided to the demise of my self esteem. Eating became something that felt good. Eating became something that I could always turn to. Smoking too. I celebrated with a cigarette, and I celebrated with food. If I felt awful that day, or I had failed at something I turned to food. I turned to smoking. Now that I have quit smoking, that only left food for me to turn to. It wrenches my heart in 10 different ways knowing exactly how I got here. It tears me up that I let me get here. I can blame no one but myself, except for the fact that my loved ones enabled me. But like I said before, blame does no one any good at this point.

Those of you that love me, you will start seeing more out of me. More successes, and accomplishments. I'm sick of this failure business. I'm ready to win! It's taken me years to get to this point, so I need to realize that it's going to take a while to dig myself out.

If I could only go back and tell myself to not accept defeat and failure, that I could do better. I think I would have listened to my future self. If only time travel was real right?

This blog post is Dedicated to Alyshia Davies. Thank you for everything you have taught me so far, I can't wait to learn more about myself.

Pretty Pretty Please....

...don't you ever, ever feel like your less then perfect.

Today, it sunk in.  Through the sweat, and burning muscles, I realized that I was special and worthy. How amazing is that feeling? I can do this. Forget the I can't(s). I can damn it!

I'm ready. I'm stoked, and ready to burn! I'm excited to see what this new year brings me and what I bring it. My 30's are rolling around and getting nearer and I am going to make them great! I'm ready to be the best person I can be, including physically. Most importantly physically.

Even if I have to dig my way out of blood and fire. I'm going to loose this weight! If thats what it takes, I'm going to do it.

It's amazing how just a few work outs and one amazing run with great friends, and a focus work out in the gym can change your whole outlook. To those of you who want to know why I like running. Thats why. Running can change everything.

Amazing day today. Feels great to be back in the game. Thanks for joining me. Thanks for supporting me. Thanks for seeing the changes in me and telling me that you see them.

Starting the New Year

So starting the new year has been a bit of a challenge for me. I ended up getting a cold at Christmas and was recovering the end of the year. I found that my ability to pick up where I left off was more difficult mentally then physically. My muscles remembered where I was at in training, but my mind just didn't want to do it. The rain came and I made excuses to not go outside in the cold wet weather. And then there were other things stopping me such as visiting friends, grocery shopping, and errands to run.

During all this chaos, I knew I needed to set a resolution. A goal of some kind for the new year that will assist me in my weight loss goal. I didn't want it to be something difficult, or even something I could fail at. I wanted a fail proof goal. Also something I would want to do. So I decided my New Year's Resolution would be to EAT BREAKFAST!. Easy right?. Easy for most people anyways. I tend to skip it and hold off until lunch. By the time I hit lunch I am starved and my blood sugar levels have dropped. I think this is a great goal. Something even as simple as a banana or bowl of cereal. Easy, simple, fail proof.

I've been thinking about what's been holding me back. I feel like I am talking the talk, but not walking the walk. I feel like I am not backing up my words with actions. I think that it's time I started speaking with my actions. Instead of saying I'll do something, I'll prove and say it by doing it! I feel like I've been letting myself down as well as some people around me by not working on my training at home. It is slowing my process to enhance my pace and endurance. It's not fair to myself, or to others I am training with as they are getting faster and I am still remaining in the back.

On a happier note, I feel stronger then before I got sick. Weird I know. I am hardly ever so sore I can't walk. I can move the next day no matter what kind of work out I have, hard or easy. I can't tell you how happy I am. I remember the beginning when I could barely walk for 3 days. Now it only feels good the day after or right after my work out. I feel vibrant and alive. It really does amaze me how it affects my moods and emotions after a good hard work out. So with this note, I know I need to step it up a bit and elongate my routes. Like I've said before. I need to push harder, go longer, and try faster.

So what I've learned the past week or so... is that just saying you are a runner doesn't make you a runner. You have to run in order to be a runner. So I need to get out there and just run!

I hope your New Year will be great one. I wish you the best in 2011! Now start running!

I must be crazy....

because I am going to be running Bay to Breaks 2011. It's San Fransisco's 100th annual race.
Bay to Breakers

It is a 12K, over half of what I've accomplished as of yet. I know I need to train. It's going to be an interesting yet meaningful journey. Problem is I don't see me there yet. I know what I need to do to get there, but I partly don't believe in myself. Regardless, I will be training my butt off to get in shape enough to finish that race.

Sitting across from me she said, "You need to ask yourself is it pain, or discomfort? And if it's pain then stop, if it's just discomfort, keep going." I returned her look and nodded agreeing to what she said, as that epiphany fully sunk in I fidgeted across from her.

I had met with Alyshia to discuss my lack of motivation and general feeling of being lost, and with no real goal in sight I knew that was a major problem. I needed something to work towards, and really, doesn't everybody? I felt mindless as I would run, and had no reason to go outside in the cold weather and push myself if there was no race in sight. I let my body fall slightly back out of shape the past few weeks and I knew I had to do something quick!

Asking for help was something I wasn't used to. In the past I would try to do it myself, and fail. I now know that failing just isn't an option for me. I am morbidly obese, and it 's affecting my health. Although my body is resilient, I need to take care of myself now if I plan to live a healthy life. This had been the first real time that I needed this much help since I began her group. I have to emphasize that I have taken care of other people's needs for so long, that asking someone to give to me was unheard of. Actually asking.... it was a step in a direction where there were going to be many more pleas for help. I may as well get used to help. Because I needed all the help I can get.

Secondly, I was battling the most difficult fear of all, "Who will I be when I loose the weight?" My identity was revolving around this fat girl persona. I had accepted defeat, and failure for so many years that that had become my excuse for not trying or giving up. Who was she going to be? Who will she be? Will I even recognize myself as a healthy weight person? Someone who can climb stairs and not be breathless? How will she handle accomplishment, or better yet, how will she handle defeat? Will she roll over and allow it to get the best of her, or will she get up and fight?

I was telling Alyshia that I had a template of my 13 year old self. I was at a healthy weight, and was full of life, and was accustomed to getting things I wanted in life. I would fight for what I wanted and get it. I wanted to have a horse, and so I worked at the age of 11 as a ranch hand to pay for horse lessons, and to be able to support a horse myself. At the age of 14 I had 2 horses in my care, and paid for everything they needed. I was a go getter, someone who knew what they wanted, and went for it. Someone who didn't accept defeat as an outcome. Someone who was positive, happy, and full of life. Someone people would admire even as a 13 year old child. Unfortunately life happened somewhere in between and it lead me down a pathway that allowed me to be who I am today. Granted the person I am today isn't bad, however she needs some dire improvements.

"It's do or die. And die is not an option. So keep trying." She said with understanding painted on her face and compassion in her eyes. I knew she was right. It may not be today, but if I kept doing the things I was doing my life was in trouble. Diabetes, heart attack, atherosclerosis. You name it I would ended up with it. I couldn't afford to loose this time. Like she said. It was do or die.

When she said "Do or die".... it may seem harsh, but the reality is I am morbidly obese. And that ain't good. At first my brain registered it as, "Ya ya, thats what they all say, my health is in jeopardy. Blah blah blah." But something clicked inside me. This time it was different. I heard her. I felt it. I wasn't ready to roll over and die. I wanted a long healthy life. I had plans. I wanted certain things out of life. And so there it was. When she said do or die. She took away all my excuses I had lined up so that I could get out of working out or running. There was nothing left but 2 simple choices. Do, or Die. And like she previously stated, dieing simply was not an option. So that left Do. That was it. I had no more excuses. She had taken the gray area away from me and I saw things black and white. Simple. Now it's only a matter of doing it!

So with the goal in mind of finishing Bay to Breakers, I will begin my training. I know this is not the end of my complaining, or even the middle, but I have a better understanding of where I am at, and where I am headed. For now, I know who I am and what I am doing with myself. However, after every accomplishment I am forced to challenge the idea of who I am, in order to truly understand.

Life is like a race....

I can feel it. I'm on my last mile, headed towards the finish line. Another year passed by. Breathless, and exhausted I crave the family gatherings at the end of a year like a vacation. Legs like noodles, barely holding my weight, striving, reaching for that finish line. 


The idea of making a new years resolution haunts me. I never believed in making a resolution, because they never stuck. But then again, I also never believed in working out, and here I am, considering myself a runner.


I don't know what it is, but I am restless. Sort of anxious. I wander around the house looking for things to do, yet, at the same time I don't feel like doing it. It's a funny time of year, when the sun is out only for a few hours, and the darkness falls around us at 4:30pm. Stuck in a house for the entire evening, Boredom sets in. Beginning to miss the long summer days, when the sun is out until 8pm. Allowed to roam the streets and play outside in the dirt until late evening hours. Moving, stretching our body to it's fullest and soaking up the sun. Fruit on total and full display, veggies at full flavor. I am beginning to miss the Summer time.


Don't get me wrong, I love the winter, but I feel like it's full of waiting.Like the trees waiting to blossom in spring, and the bulbs waiting to come up. Then there is myself, waiting for better weather, waiting for the good fruits and veggies to come, meanwhile eating foods that I really shouldn't like casseroles, and roasts.


I am realizing this is my home stretch, and now is the most important time to NOT GIVE UP! There was a quote that came to me the other day, "Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." Right now I feel like giving up. My motivation is sooo lacking. And when this quote came to me I knew this was very important for me. 


I feel like hibernating. The cold weather whips my body when I run, it's hard to get started, but feels oh so good when I am done.


So people, I am at my last straight stretch. I'm still not sure if I am going to make a resolution but I am headed towards the finish line none the less.


This last year has taught me discipline, humility, strength, forgiveness, and patience. I believe this year has had the most growth then most years in my life. Amazing what God has done in my life. He has taken away so much, yet given so much back in return. 

Who am I, where am I?

I just finished painting my guest bathroom (again). When I finished I sat down and looked out the window. The fog had rolled in while I was working away in the bathroom. Why hadn't I noticed? The whole neighborhood was surrounded. I even went outside to gather equipment and had not noticed the fog rolling in around me.

I started to think about my life and my feelings the past few days. I feel some what oblivious to whats really important and consumed with my own feelings. I am stuck in my head basically. While I am working out my feelings in my head, life goes on around me and I am simply missing whats really important.

I have a strong desire to get into a new house, one with more storage, a garage, on a foundation, and out of this mobile home park. I feel surrounded by negative people in this park. The manager is chronically unhappy and negative, and down right crazy at times. We are running out of storage and gathering clutter. It's driving me crazy with all this STUFF and now where to put it. We are out growing this house.

To make all of this more frustrating, we could afford a house that is in foreclosure with the same payments we are making on this house and for the property rent. It's really bothering me. We can't buy a house until we sell this one. Simple as that. Not to mention Tyson needs to put in more time at his job for it to count as income towards the new house.

So back to the fog, I started to think where I was in life, and was I happy. Actually yes!. I am so lucky to have a roof over my head, and a car to drive, and food to eat. However, I can't help but feel as though I could be happier! I began to study this emotion, and I feel it's a bit on the greedy side. I didn't like what I had discovered.

Today I have feelings I don't want to have. I feel my negative emotions surrounding me and there is just no reason for them. There is nothing wrong with wanting better for yourself, but come on, take a look around and appreciate what you DO have and where you are right NOW.

So today is about me trying to get out of this Funk I'm in.

Thanks for reading today.