Day 3 of Sugar Detox VS Who Put Cake on my plate?

I woke up this morning 4 lbs down total for the entire week. How good does that make me feel!! Amazing Let me tell you. After all these months, and weeks of working hard and nothing. Finally some headway.

I knew I had a rough day a head of me. We had a church gathering and when there is a church gathering there is lots of good yummy food. My plan was to stick to veggies, fruit, and meat. I did that and stayed away from all the garlic bread and pasta. I did great for dinner !!. Then desert came. I decided I would have some cobbler. My friend made it and she said she put 2 table spoons in the entire fruit base, not including the crust. I figured I would have just a small scoop. It wouldn't be that bad. Then when I wasn't looking someone put a peice of cake on my plate. I really didn't want the cake. So I took my plate, with the cobbler, and cake back to my table... and ate it. I made my husband take a bite of the cake because I didnt' want to eat all of it.

So I feel like this day was a bust..... due to the cobbler and cake, otherwise I did great. No other plans to break out some carbs and eat them. So I should be ok for the rest of the night.

I wonder if I'll ever break through a point where my body is clean of sugar. If I will ever reach that point of detox. I will keep trying. I hope to reach a good solid week of no sugar and only good carbs.

Lets hope I can still keep my 4 lbs off by morning.

Sugar & Bad Carb Detox

So I'v seen people who are big like me loose a lot of weight by watching their carb intake. I believe my carb intake is off the charts too and it could be why I'm not loosing. Also, probably my body just doesn't like all these carbs and sugars and is getting inflamed by so much of the bad stuff.

Yesterday I began a one week journey of a sugar/bad carb detox. I decided I would do this for one week. I would try my hardest to be as strict as possible and follow it the best I could.

I did great all day yesterday and was free flowing with the veggies, fruits cheese and meats. I did allow a low carb tortilla wrap for lunch. I'm not trying to eliminate carbs totally, but live a low carb lifestyle basically. I just want to stay in a more healthy range.

I was amazed at how many things sugar is in. For example, I forgot sugar is in ketchup and salad dressings, and some tomato sauces. I was also really amazed at how many carbs I was consuming as well as sugar that I didn't even realize.

By the afternoon I was "jonesing" for some bad carbs.... anything... and everything I could get my hands on. My husband went to go get the mail, and also chased down the Schwans Truck driver and brought home lite ice cream sandwiches. I did give in. I had just one. But later on I had a a Greek yogurt which also had sugar content.

My over all view of the day is that there is room for improvement. I did good, but I can do better. I did loose one pound this morning and I'm already pleased with the outcome. It makes me want to do it even more.

Today is a new day. Wish me luck

I'm changing...

....into what. I'm not sure. But I can feel it. My perspective on myself is shifting. I am beginning to see the whole picture of how I got to be 100 lbs overweight. It's not a pretty picture, but it's simple. It's about hundreds of small little choices that lead in one direction. Obesity! Even though I can only blame myself for all those choices I don't see the point as to how that would help me now. Blaming myself for all those years would only cause me harm at this point.

Today is about change and making better choices. That lead in a more positive direction. Though they may take more time, and deliberate movements. I need to do them.

One thing that rings true to me today is that my body is a temple. God gave me this temple. All these years I've been treating it poorly and carelessly. God wants me to treat it like the most lovely thing on this Earth. As a form of worship, He wants me to take care of myself. He wants me to eat healthy, so I can be healthy for my family and stick around longer. He wants me to enjoy my life. Enjoying my life at 241 lbs is limited. Of course I am present, but am I participating in life? At 241 lbs can I even really fully participate? Most of my mid 20's I avoided the camera due to my ballooning weight. I'm sick of staying out of photo's. Where was I all those years? Not in the photos. I can tell you that much.

Today, I knew the thunderstorms were going to be rolling in. So instead of pushing my running to this afternoon and ending up canceling it, I choose to do it this morning before the storm reached home. Before, My Old Self Would have just called it a wash, and said, "Oh well, maybe tomorrow."

Yesterday I consumed 2000 calories. You say WOW, thats a lot. Yes, yes infact it is a lot of calories. Let me tell you how I did it. I ate 2 donuts. Something I would have easily done with out thinking about the consequences. However, yesterday was different, I was counting calories. Before lunch even hit, I realized my calorie intake was doomed. For lunch I ate a small bowl of lentils, with a few cubes of ham. Yes, though the lentils are healthy, they were full of calories. On a good day this would not have caused a calorie intake problem. But on today, it did because of the donuts. I was starved for dinner. I forgot what I ate for dinner. But it was all over by then anyways. It really amazed me that those are literally EMPTY CALORIES. I was still hungry, they did not make me feel full at all. I was hungry later and suffered because of those donuts even after going over my calorie budget.

That to me is not enjoying life. I wish I didn't have those donuts, because now they will affect my weight loss at the end of the week. But it happened, and now I have to deal with it the best I can. Working out and taking advantage of this cool weather and enjoy some running.

Part of me feels so silly. How could I have not known how 2 donuts would affect me. It seems so simple now. If only I would have learned this lesson when I was 22. I could have saved 80 lbs.

Tackling Your Demons!

Tonight, I tackled a major running demon. You see, there is this hill, well not really a hill but a slight incline that is very long in length. When I attempted to run it, I would have to stop half way or sometimes 2-3 times depending on the day. Tonight I ran the entire length with out stopping. I kept telling myself I could do it, I ignored the discomfort and struggle my legs were having, and I kept running. After I passed the half way point I knew I was going to do it. At that point, it gave me extra strength to continue, because I actually BELIEVED I could accomplish it.

I have realized that believing you can do it, and doing it is not far from each other. Once you believe, you can achieve it. Running has re-taught me belief in myself. I continue to challenge myself and reach those challenges. It really is uplifting.

As for my other weight loss demons. Calorie Counting. Gah!!!! Let me tell you, it is not simple. Not simple at all. There are so many head games you can play with yourself. Things such as rationalizing that it's ok to over eat, or thinking you deserve something that isn't good for you, but will fill some hole you have emotionally. Rewards are also big. I tend to reward myself with food after I've done a good job at working out, undoing everything I just worked so hard for.

Things are changing for me. I keep trying, I haven't given up yet. Now I am counting calories and watching my possible weight loss change when I choose to eat things I shouldn't after I've already had enough. This new excel sheet my Running Instructor gave introduced to me really is helping me see how my eating is affecting or rather sabotaging my weight loss. It's a rather rude eye opener if you ask me. I just hope that I can keep up with the calorie counting. It's going to make or break this weight loss journey. Thats what it's all about right? Calories in and calories out. It's really just that simple.

If only it was easy.....

The 100th Bay 2 Breakers 12k Foot Race

I DID IT!..... I am now home, resting it's now the day after Bay 2 Breakers. It was an absolutely amazing experience and I am so glad I went and finished!. My friends are the BEST! They made it so fun, and exciting. I can tell you that I will look back at that trip with smiles and no regrets.

Most people go for Costumes, or should I say... lack of costume? But everyone has fun! Although I didn't dress up in costume, I enjoyed watching and seeing everyone else's costume. People's creativity never ceases to amaze me.

In total for that day we did 12 miles, the race was 7.6 miles and I finished in 2hours 12 mins. I am beat!!! I feel like I've been hit by a train, but could not be happier!

Thank you to all my friends that helped me in my training, and support. And thank you for sharing this experience with me.

I only wish my Gran could see that I finished. Gran, this one was for you!. Thank you for supporting me in everything I do and loving me no matter what.

I will try to post photos later if I can.

Following your dreams...

Today I had a major epiphany! I realized that I love food. I've been going about this all wrong. I've been tackling it with guilt, and pushing myself to get past feeling bad that I loved food. But that was not the epiphany I had. My epiphany is that I need to find something I love MORE then food. And then I need to go after it.

I'm so sorry to announce that yes, although I do love running, it is not my most favorite thing in the world, which is why I kept leaving and returning and not able to keep on track. I simply did not love it enough to do it religiously. Which doesn't mean I am going to stop doing it. Knowing this. I asked myself, "then what do I love so dearly I would stop killing myself with food for?"..... my answer was "Horses." I LOVE HORSES!. I grew up with them, I took years of riding lessons, and my dream of staying extreamly active with them has died. I let it die inside me. And even though I rode often and sometimes even twice a week, I gave up on some dreams I had with them. I pushed them aside to make room for so many other things in life. And then I fed my empty hole with food. I replaced doing what I loved with food.

This habit has created such a bad circle, that I know simply knowing this about myself now it's still not going to be easy. But, I need to loose the weight so I can be a better rider. I need to loose this weight so I can be more agile on a horse and be taken seriously instead of struggling to get through a ride while being obese.

I have always had dreams of showing. Sadly, years ago when it was the week before my first show was suppose to go down, my mare went lame. I had to go and sit in the bleachers and watch from the stands. I was devastated. Simply and utterly broken hearted. I still have that dream. I still have the knowledge and will power to get myself back up to par to live that dream. Even if it's a simple po-dunk small town relaxed show. I dream of entering and taking either 1st, 2nd, or 3rd place. I had the best chance in the world when I was a young teenager coming out of 5 years of riding lessons, but like I said before, it was crushed. Then I moved off to college and put my dreams aside to live in the real world.

This is my niche. This is what I was born to do. Even though I may not be the best. I certainly will TRY MY BEST.  I would love to give it my all. Give this another shot. Read more books, learn more things and philosophies about  horses and fill my head with knowledge and luster for life.

I suggest that if you know your passion for life, you never let it go. Go after it full hearted, and never settle, or sacrifice it for anything. It's all we'll ever have in life if we have nothing else, we'll have passion.

I also suggest that if you haven't found your passion in life, that you spend some time on yourself and find it. There is nothing worse then wondering aimlessly through life and never loving what you do.

Running for Grandma

One week ago today, I experienced a terrible loss. My Grandma who was near and dear to my heart, who had such a huge impact on my up brining passed away. She went into the hospital thinking she would be fine, and things went south fast. It was sudden, unexpected and hit me like a hammer to my chest.

It is very difficult to even write this now. Memories flash through my mind and feelings come over me like a tsunami wave. After her passing I went through stages of grief. I missed her presents on earth so very much. And the simple thought of her being gone leaves an emptiness.

Such change must occur during this process I believe. Not only do we have to create "a new normal" like my Mom says. But we have to learn to enjoy family gatherings with out Gran. For me it was more of "finding motivation to move forward". Part of me does not want to move on with out her. That part of me wants to hold tight of the memories I have. That part of me doesn't want to see her gone. Unfortunately and fortunately I do not control who stays and who goes on earth. For a while I struggled to do much of anything, let alone run. My first run after loosing Gran was a measly 1.5 miles, in light heat. To me it was the hardest 1.5 miles I have ever run in my entire life. I was exhausted, and scorched in only 70 degree weather. The sweat pour down my forehead and finding energy to take the next step was next to impossible.

The entire run I was thinking about Gran, and how she would want me to keep running. She wouldn't want me to give up on the account of her passing. She wanted me to loose this weight so badly..... sometimes I thinks she wanted it more then me. She enjoyed seeing me accomplish the things I have in the past months, and read my blog to see where I was in my journey of becoming an athlete.

I've been toying with the idea of canceling on Bay to Breakers in May. I know I am simply not ready. But now I have a partner willing to walk with me if I have to, and run with me when I can run. I've only got 3 short weeks to prepare for the longest run I've ever done my entire life. At 242 lbs, thats going to be a challenge. Also considering the fact that I've taken the last 2-3 weeks off due to unforeseen circumstances. After Gran passed, I decided I would cancel, and the sour feeling in my stomach sat as I thought of disappointing her. I could not cancel. She would be so sad if I did.

So I changed my mind and decided I WOULD run Bay to Breakers. Even if I have to walk. The next 3 weeks will be challenging to say the least. They will fly by and before I know it I will be standing at the starting line waiting to run.

I'm running Bay to Breakers for you Gran. So here's to you!