One week ago today, I experienced a terrible loss. My Grandma who was near and dear to my heart, who had such a huge impact on my up brining passed away. She went into the hospital thinking she would be fine, and things went south fast. It was sudden, unexpected and hit me like a hammer to my chest.
It is very difficult to even write this now. Memories flash through my mind and feelings come over me like a tsunami wave. After her passing I went through stages of grief. I missed her presents on earth so very much. And the simple thought of her being gone leaves an emptiness.
Such change must occur during this process I believe. Not only do we have to create "a new normal" like my Mom says. But we have to learn to enjoy family gatherings with out Gran. For me it was more of "finding motivation to move forward". Part of me does not want to move on with out her. That part of me wants to hold tight of the memories I have. That part of me doesn't want to see her gone. Unfortunately and fortunately I do not control who stays and who goes on earth. For a while I struggled to do much of anything, let alone run. My first run after loosing Gran was a measly 1.5 miles, in light heat. To me it was the hardest 1.5 miles I have ever run in my entire life. I was exhausted, and scorched in only 70 degree weather. The sweat pour down my forehead and finding energy to take the next step was next to impossible.
The entire run I was thinking about Gran, and how she would want me to keep running. She wouldn't want me to give up on the account of her passing. She wanted me to loose this weight so badly..... sometimes I thinks she wanted it more then me. She enjoyed seeing me accomplish the things I have in the past months, and read my blog to see where I was in my journey of becoming an athlete.
I've been toying with the idea of canceling on Bay to Breakers in May. I know I am simply not ready. But now I have a partner willing to walk with me if I have to, and run with me when I can run. I've only got 3 short weeks to prepare for the longest run I've ever done my entire life. At 242 lbs, thats going to be a challenge. Also considering the fact that I've taken the last 2-3 weeks off due to unforeseen circumstances. After Gran passed, I decided I would cancel, and the sour feeling in my stomach sat as I thought of disappointing her. I could not cancel. She would be so sad if I did.
So I changed my mind and decided I WOULD run Bay to Breakers. Even if I have to walk. The next 3 weeks will be challenging to say the least. They will fly by and before I know it I will be standing at the starting line waiting to run.
I'm running Bay to Breakers for you Gran. So here's to you!